Drunken Grammarians, Ancient Aliens, and the Wishful Mood of English

For today's writing advice for design and construction professionals, I want to talk about English grammar, and how— Wait! Don’t go! This won’t be as bad as you think. I promise to make it at least somewhat interesting. I’ll even talk about the Mamas & the Papas, and everyone likes them, right?

Most adults get nervous when the subject of grammar comes up. They remember being taught a little grammar in elementary and high school, along with a lot of arcane grammatical terms (future perfect progressive tense, predicate nominatives, and—my favorite—copulative verbs). But here’s a little secret: We don’t need to know most grammatical terms, because if English is our native language, we learned almost all the grammar we will ever need before we entered elementary school. Simply by learning to speak the language (and by being corrected when we misspoke), we learned to distinguish what sounds right (generally correct grammar) from what sounds wrong (generally incorrect grammar).

I like to compare grammar to walking on a sidewalk. When the sidewalk is flat and dry, and we are sober, we can walk flawlessly without thinking about the act of walking. That’s how we use grammar most of the time—thoughtlessly, flawlessly, and soberly. But let’s say we’re not sober. In fact, let’s say we’re sloppy drunk. Now as we teeter along on the sidewalk, we have to pay careful attention to our every step, or we might slip and fall. That’s what happens occasionally with grammar: We encounter, every once in a while, a situation where we have to think about what we’re saying, or we risk making a grammatical slip. And one of the trickiest such situations, one that can make even a grammarian seem tipsy, is the subjunctive mood.

Moods in language aren’t about being happy, bashful, or grumpy. Rather, moods are ways for speakers and writers to express their attitudes about statements. For example, I would use the indicative mood to express something I know to be true (“Brick likes an arch.”) or that I think is true (“I think Brick likes an arch.”). I’d use the interrogative mood to ask a question (“What do you want, Brick?”). And I’d use the imperative mood to tell someone to do something (“Make me into an arch.”). Easy, sober stuff that we all know [1].

However, English’s fourth mood, the subjunctive, is not so straightforward [2]. This mood is used when expressing wishes, suggestions, imaginary situations, or hypothetical positions. Subjunctive verb forms are different from the other three moods:

• Wishes: “Brick wishes an arch were less expensive than a concrete lintel.” (Not  “Brick wishes an arch was less expensive.”)
• Suggestions: “I suggest Brick prefer something other than an arch” (Not “I suggest Brick prefers something.”)
• Imaginary situations: “If Brick were lighter than air, it wouldn’t need to be an arch.” (Not “If Brick was lighter than air.”)
• Hypothetical positions: “If I were to ask Concrete what it likes, it would probably answer ‘lintel.’” (Not “If I was to ask Concrete.”)

All these sample statements alert the listener that the speaker knows, or at least believes, the situation to be untrue:

• Brick knows an arch isn’t less expensive than a concrete lintel (but it wishes it were) [3].
•  Brick prefers being an arch (although I suggest it prefer something else).
• Brick isn’t lighter than air (but if it were …).
• I am not asking Concrete what it likes (but if I were to ask it …).

Fortunately, many uses of the subjunctive come to us naturally. We say “If I were you, I wouldn’t do that,” not “If I was you,” and “If I were king, things would be different,” not “If I was king.” But not all “if” statements use the subjunctive, and here’s where you really need your inner sober grammarian. If the speaker knows the “if” statement is true, or might be true (even if the speaker turns out to be wrong), then the subjunctive is not the right mood. For example, “If we follow Brick’s advice and build an arch, we will use the material honestly.” In this case, the speaker knows that we might follow Brick’s advice, so the indicative mood is correct. If the speaker is certain that we won’t follow Brick’s advice, the subjunctive is used: “If we were to follow Brick’s advice and build an arch, we would probably be happy with the result.” That doesn’t mean we won’t follow Brick’s advice; the speaker could be wrong. But the subjunctive mood doesn’t care if the speaker is wrong, only what the speaker believes to be true.

Still confused? Think about the Mamas & the Papas [4] and this line from their 1965 song “California Dreamin’”: “I’d be safe and warm if I was in L.A.” Since the singer of the song isn’t in Los Angeles, and knows it, this line should have used the subjunctive: “I’d be safe and warm if I were in L.A.” I know it’s been more than 50 years since the song was released, but it’s never too late to correct a mistake.

And finally, sometimes the use of the subjunctive mood can give away more than a writer intends. For example, at the start of each episode of the History Channel’s show Ancient Aliens, the narrator starts by saying something like this: “Since the dawn of civilization, mankind has credited its origins to gods and other visitors from the stars,” followed by, “What if it were true?” Not, mind you, “What if it is true?” (in other words, “It could be true.”), but “What if it were true?” (that is, “We know it’s not true, but what if it were?”). I can think of only two explanations: Either the show’s producers don’t believe the wacky (but nonetheless entertaining) theories presented on the show, or they don’t understand the subjunctive mood. You be the judge. For me, it’s just one more unsolved mystery. [5]

Footnotes:

[1] My examples refer, of course, to Louis Kahn’s famous statement about bricks and arches: “You say to a brick, ‘What do you want, Brick?’ And Brick says to you, ‘I like an arch.’ And you say to Brick, ‘Look, I want one too, but arches are expensive, and I can use a concrete lintel.’ And then you say, ‘What do you think of that, Brick?’ Brick says, ‘I like an arch.’”

[2] We English speakers have gotten off easy, moodwise. In addition to the indicative, interrogative, imperative, and subjunctive moods, some languages have one or more others, including the optative, jussive, potential, hypothetical, inferential, and conditional moods, each most likely using a different verb form.

[3] Wishing isn’t the same as hoping. When you wish, you know something isn’t true, but you wish it were true. When you’re hoping, you know something might be true, and you’re hoping it actually is, so the indicative is the right mood.

[4] See, I told you we would talk about them. Thanks for being patient.

[5] Update 6/24/19: A year or so after I posted this article in September 2016, the producers of Ancient Aliens changed their introduction to remove “What if it were true?” I would take credit for this if they had switched to “What if it’s true?” But, alas, they changed the intro entirely, so I’ll never know if I helped them appreciate the subtleties of the subjunctive mood.