Funny Tweets
“No, I can’t throw out that piece of paper that’s been on the floor for a week. That’s the cats’ piece of paper, idiot.”
“Sent my wife off to war this morning (full return to office)”
“My dog knows more English words than I know dog words”
'My boyfriend has zero social media presence so when i miss him i have to imagine what he looks like'
WHAT'S HAPPENING
"My daughter says 'creditors' instead of predators. 'The lizards had to run away from all the creditors.'"
"When I flip my dogs ears inside out those are his party hats. He is ready for a party."
"You can either have a nice evening or you can read 150 Back to School emails. But you can’t have both."
“just collabed with my dog on a walk”
“If you like to start intense conversations around 9pm you might be my husband.”
“Getting stoned when you have a cat is awesome. It will just walk in and I’m immediately cracking up. Like look a this dude, f**king love this guy”