Reframe unhelpful thoughts to be more resilient

Roman Emperor Marcus Aurelius said, "the soul becomes dyed with the color of its thoughts." Your thoughts have a lot of power over your emotions and actions, and vice versa, and it's easy to get caught in negative thought patterns. When facing a challenge, you might think, "I'll never get through this", or "there's no way this is going to get better." The problem with these kinds of thoughts is that they leave you feeling hopeless, and they'll zap your motivation and resilience. The good news is your automatic thoughts do not have to be your reality. Reframing is a technique that makes it possible to use your thoughts to shift into a different mindset. With reframing, you can find alternative ways of interpreting a situation that are realistic, healthy, and helpful. Let's talk about some common ways to reframe your thinking. First, go from "should have" to "could have". People who are hard on themselves use the word should a lot. "I should have gotten more done." "I should be more successful." "I should know this already." The problem with the should mindset is that if you think you should have already done something, you'll feel like you can't do it now. So reframe with could. Instead of "I should have gotten work done last night instead of watching TV", say "I could have gotten work done last night, but I chose to watch TV and rest instead." Instead of "I should be a better writer", try "I could be a better writer if I devote myself to writing 30 minutes every day." Next, catch yourself saying "always" and "never" and try again. It's almost never true that you always do anything. If you find yourself thinking thoughts like "I always drop the ball" or "I never get recognized in my job." See if you can reframe to something more reflective of reality. So you might reframe the thought. "I always make mistakes in presentations" to "I made a mistake in this presentation, but I'm going to learn from it and practice a few extra times before the next one." Next, look for shades of grey. It's easy and comforting to think about things in terms of black or white. A person is good or bad, a task was successful or a failure. But most of life happens in the grey. So if you catch yourself thinking "this has been a terrible week", try reframing to "A few tough things have happened this week, but I've also had a couple nice or peaceful moments." Finally, look for opportunities in your challenges. Not every painful moment in your life has to be for the best, but you'll often find that the difficult things you face open new doors in your life. If you find yourself focusing only on the negative aspect of a difficult situation, challenge yourself to think about what you might have to gain. For example, imagine your manager asks you to completely redo a project that you've been working on. Instead of focusing only on the time or effort lost, look for opportunities in this challenge, like getting to showcase your creativity and adaptability and demonstrating leadership by navigating the change with a positive attitude. The toughest part of reframing your thoughts is remembering to do it. You'll have to catch yourself in a negative thought pattern and say, "actually, let me try that again." So for the next week, pay close attention to your automatic thoughts, especially in challenging situations. When you notice a negative or unhelpful thought, pause and try reframing it, turn "shoulds" into "coulds", use less, "always" and "never" language and find the shades of grey. Over time, it'll become second nature, and you might even find that you start to have fewer negative thoughts altogether.