3 Pivotal Mistakes that Shifted my Focus from Proving to Protecting, from Knowing to Listening

We often speak of leadership as if it begins at the top — as if one day, someone hands you a title and from there, you simply lead. But in truth, most of us become leaders the way we become adults: by stumbling into hard lessons, often of our own making.

Recently, in a moment of pause during a conversation, I was asked:

“What are the three biggest mistakes you’ve made in life that made you a better leader?”

I didn’t have to dig. Because the moments that changed me — the ones that stripped away illusion, pride, and performance — are the ones that shaped the leader I’ve become. They are the chapters I re-read the most.

1. I Chased the Title, Not the Truth

I once accepted a senior leadership role at a major telecom firm — a job that had remained open for nearly a year, with a team suffering from toxicity and high churn. I saw the red flags. I felt the discomfort. And I still took it.

Why?

Because I wanted to prove something. The title, the salary — they felt like validation for battles I hadn’t yet acknowledged. Recognition felt like oxygen. And when your inner world is starved for acknowledgment, even toxic opportunities look like salvation.

In neuroscience, this is textbook reward prediction error. The brain floods with dopamine in anticipation of achievement, even when logic says “run.” It’s the same cognitive illusion that drives risky behavior — chasing reward over reality.

I didn’t last long. I was fired.

But I learned this:

The roles you choose from fear or ego will often break you — not because you're incapable, but because you're misaligned.

And misalignment, over time, corrodes everything.

2. I Outsourced My Voice and Ignored My Gut

When I was building and later scaling my own e-commerce venture, I knew — two years before the sale — that something was off. The growth was stagnating, the energy felt stale. But I pushed forward, influenced by others’ optimism and unwilling to let go.

The numbers told one story. My gut told another.

I’ve since learned to differentiate the voice of intuition from the noise of external validation. It’s not mystical. It’s neurological. The enteric nervous system, often called the "second brain," processes subtle signals far faster than our conscious mind. When we ignore that system — the felt sense — we lose a major channel of intelligence.

That misstep taught me:

Leadership isn’t just knowing what’s right. It’s acting on it — especially when it’s inconvenient.

3. I Confused Experience With Wisdom

For years, I deferred to people older than me — consultants, board members, investors — believing experience was equivalent to insight. But age doesn’t inoculate anyone against blind spots. I’ve since worked with many seasoned leaders who operated more from unhealed trauma than clarity.

In retrospect, this was projection. I wanted someone else’s certainty to fill the gap where my own was missing.

But wisdom isn’t borrowed. It’s built. Usually through failure.

I had to learn how to discern advice from projection, and how to make peace with being the one who must hold the line — even when others don’t see it.

Not all experience is reflected upon. And not all advice is direction.

The Underlying Thread: Biology Doesn’t Lie

Looking back, I realize how much of my misjudgment came not from incompetence — but from cognitive distortion, driven by stress, unmet needs, and survival-mode leadership.

Stress narrows the brain’s field of focus. The prefrontal cortex, the seat of long-term thinking, shuts down under chronic cortisol elevation. When we lead from that place, we don’t strategize — we self-protect.

That's why awareness is a competitive advantage. The more attuned you are to your internal state, the less likely you are to make externally impressive but internally disastrous decisions.

From Mistake to Mastery: What Changed for Me

I no longer lead to prove. I lead to create. I no longer enter a room to perform. I enter to protect and serve the potential in others — to absorb chaos when needed, and to step back when not.

Today, when someone offers me an opportunity, I ask a different question:

Does this expand my alignment — or fill a gap I’m unwilling to face?

And I’ve found that most mistakes don’t need to be avoided. They need to be integrated. Because…

Leadership isn’t about never failing. It’s about how deeply you reflect when you do.

Final Thought: Mistakes Are Mirrors, If You’re Willing to Look

We spend a lifetime building strategy decks, execution plans, and forecasts. But the most defining moments of leadership often happen in silence. In reflection. In the split-second pause between reaction and response.

So if you’re in a season of doubt — or nursing a decision that didn’t go to plan — know this:

You’re not behind. You’re just becoming.

And that’s the hardest, most beautiful part of it all.

Let’s keep leading — imperfectly, honestly, fully.