3 quick tips to “unintimidate” 💡 yourself

Welcome to Quick Confidence! This weekly letter delivers a spritz of stories, tips and actions that will build your confidence and power. Each tip bolsters confidence in your body, mind, and relationships so you can lead yourself and others to greatness. Quick Confidence is also a book! Get your copy to carry confidence wherever you go. 

It's a miracle I got my MBA. 

After one short week in the program, I wrote out my “I quit” email to the business school director. I told a classmate I was quitting too, justifying with, “I'm just not a great fit here.” 

By “here” I meant surrounded by very smart, self-assured business people from all different industries, many of whom read corporate financial statements and The Wall Street Journal… for fun. 

Me, on the other hand? I practically had a well-developed allergy to math and extremely limited financial experience. “Cut your losses,” I told myself. “Just quit and be done with it.” 

What I see clearly now is that my “fit” was not the problem—feeling intimidated was. 

Honestly, I was straight-up insecure! It led me to overestimate everyone else's potential and underestimate my own. But at the end of that first week, I couldn’t make myself hit send on that “I quit” email.

Why? Because deep down, I knew I hadn’t really tried yet. I’d only let fear do the talking.

So I said to myself, “Selena, just give it one more week.” And I did. Then I gave it another week. And another. And I kept giving it one more week until I completed my MBA, two years later. 

No one was more shocked than me, particularly because I finished with a 4.0 GPA and a second-year scholarship award for my academic performance! Even more meaningful, I ended up making life-long, cherished friends (looking at you, Omar, Roseanne and Mimi!) When I try to picture my life without those relationships, without everything I learned in those two years…. Well, I’m very grateful I didn’t send that “I quit” email.

Here’s what I now do to hold my own hand when I’m feeling intimidated:

Quick Confidence Tips to “Unintimidate” Yourself:

1. Embodied: Amplify your voice to signal to your body that you belong.

Even if you feel out of place, try to speak at a volume that can easily be heard. You can test this right now (if you're working from home or have your own office). Say your name quietly, at about a 2 out of 10 in volume. Now overdo it and say your name at a 10 out of 10. Too much, right? Now say it in the upper middle — around a 7. That’s the sweet spot we’re going for: a volume that commands attention and says “I’m here”. 

2. Interpersonal: When you're facing a new challenge, focus on the transferrable skills you bring.

No matter what tricky task is in front of you, you bring a toolbox of useful experiences and skills. So try to identify at least 3 approaches, methods or skills that you'll need in your new endeavor. Then for each skill or need, list at least one way you've already demonstrated that in the past. So for example, if you're nervous about filming a how-to video for the first time, you could focus on the fact that you're good and writing and scripting, you're experienced at documenting new processes, and that you've taken on daunting projects in the past...with success.

3. Mindset: Take a peer-to-peer approach.

A critical confidence mistake is when we unnecessarily focus on hierarchy. Too often we emphasize a more experienced person's position or clout, concluding we're “less than.” Lemme tell you: that doesn’t serve you! What we're telling ourselves is that they’re “up there” and we’re down here.” A better way is a "peer-to-peer" approach — even with your boss. This rebalances power dynamics and sends the message that “it's you and I versus the problem we're trying to solve", not "you versus me.” It shows that you're open and collaborative, and most important — it won't seep your power! (For more ideas like this, check out my TikTok on speaking confidently with executives and higher-ups.)

Is there something you’re tempted to pull the plug on right now because it's rattled you? Something that intimidates you? What would it mean to suspend judgment and give it one more day, week or month first? 

Let me know in the comments. It helps to share and remember you’re NOT alone!

My self-advocacy course equips you to be, well, your own self-advocate—just like I learned to be in MBA school! You’ll learn how to amplify your voice by being prepared for obvious and less obvious scenarios.

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