4 Steps to Master Difficult Conversations

What makes some conversations so difficult we'd rather let a situation fester, instead of openly addressing it?

If you struggle with having tough conversations, do you identify with any of these reasons?

• Personality/Conflict aversion
• Not wanting to hurt the feelings of others
• Fear of making matters worse
• Concern about “harming” the relationship
  
  

Why should you have the difficult conversation? If something is bothering you, your body language will give you up, leaving the reason open to interpretation, which can further degrade your relationship. Also, people may not be aware of their effect on you, and your open communication gives them an opportunity to grow. Lastly, constructive feedback given with honest intent is the appropriate, adult course of action.

These 4 steps can help you have a difficult conversation and avoid the damage caused by sweeping it under the rug.

1. Preparing in advance is key to a successful outcome

• Address the situation as soon as possible.
• Mentally prepare yourself prior to the talk.
• Remember, having the talk shows you care enough about the individual to have the conversation.
• Evaluate your purpose for the conversation: What do you hope to accomplish? What would be an ideal outcome?

• What assumptions are you making about this person’s intentions? Be cautious about assuming intentions. Impact does not necessarily equal intent.
• Are “buttons” of yours being pushed? Are you more emotional than the situation warrants? Take a look at your “back-story.” What personal history is being triggered? You’ll go into the conversation knowing some of the heightened emotional state has to do with you.

• How’s your attitude toward the conversation influencing you? If you think it’s going to be horribly difficult, it probably will be. If you believe good will come of it, that will likely be the case. Try to adjust your attitude for maximum effectiveness.

• Be prepared for different reactions. Finger-pointing, denial, arguments and tears are possible outcomes of tough conversations. You can’t control the other person's reactions, but you can anticipate them, and be emotionally ready.

• Seek permission to provide feedback. Start by stating you have some feedback you'd like to share. Ask if it's a good time or if the person would prefer to select another time and place.

• When appropriate, start your conversation with a statement that acknowledges that the topic is difficult, sensitive, or confrontational.

• Clarify you know that you have different perspectives and you want to work together to have a better understanding of those perspectives.

• Stay on track –Stay focused on the end goal of the conversation.

2. Foundational Skills

• Breathe, center, and continue to notice when you become off-center and choose to return again. This is where your power lies. By choosing the calm, centered state, you’ll help your conversation partner to be more centered, too. 

• Don't beat around the bush. The best feedback is straightforward and simple. “I’m speaking with you because there’s a concern I'd like to address.”

• Avoid negative statements. Try to state concerns positively whenever possible.
• Do not amplify the feedback, such as using hyperbole: "You always..." or "You never..."
• Get out of the "blame frame." Each person involved in the situation has a different objective story about what happened. The goal is to manage to better outcomes in the future.
• Paraphrase - To create clarity and to let people know you're genuinely listening, summarize what they're telling you -- and ask them to do the same.
• Adopt the "And Stance"–Preempt distractions, objections and blame by using "and" between phrases.

3. Tips for Opening the Conversation

"I have something/feedback I’d like to discuss with you that I think will help us work together more effectively.

"I’d like to talk about ____________ with you, but first I’d like to get your point of view."

"I need your help with what just happened. Do you have a few minutes to talk?“

 "I need your help with something. Can we talk about it (soon)?" If they say, "Sure, let me get back to you," follow up with them.

"I think we have different perceptions about _____________________. I’d like to hear your thinking on this."

"I’d like to talk about ___________________. I think we may have different ideas on how to _____________________."

"I’d like to see if we might reach a better understanding about ___________. I really want to hear your feelings about this and share my perspective as well."

Note: Feedback should be given privately, and in person when possible. Use the phone as a secondary communication vehicle if you are geographically distanced.

4. The wrap up

• Give the other person encouragement. Thank them for talking with you and explain you want the best for them/your relationship.

• Backsliding can occur if a problem already exists. Stay in contact and give regular praise and positive feedback.

What other reasons do you think cause people to avoid having crucial conversations? Any tips you'd share with readers?

All the best to you!

Kristin Sherry, a Strengths-based Career Coach, is Owner and Principal of Virtus Career Consulting.
www.virtuscareers.com