Black Boundaries: Let's (Not) Get Mental

Prioritizing mental well-being is hard when your entire community wears the resilience and martyrdom badges with so much pride. How do you tell your family you need a break from them because if you don't you might break? How do you tell the boss who calls you a rockstar instead of your name that you are dog-tired and have actually been running on E for the last month? How do you explain to your doctor that you haven't slept in months because you're worried about who's going to be there for your mom if she gets that surgery and there is complication? For a while there, no one said anything. They just let the bad news roll off and kept pushing through. That's how you survive right? That's how you demonstrate your strength. No one can break you...except maybe yourself. You've pushed yourself beyond your limit and you're hanging on, not by a thread, an eyelash. Let's talk about it.

When my aunt died in 2018, I was preparing for on-campus interviews with big law firms, working as an intern at Brooklyn Legal Services and taking two summer courses to fulfill the requirements for my accelerated law degree. I also had five days of physical therapy, massages and chiropractic care because I was hit by a car earlier that year. For most people when an aunt transitions to the other side of eternity, I don’t think it’s as big of deal but I was distraught. She was my mom’s younger sister and we had spoken to her the day before. We received a break to stretch our legs in my writing class, when I saw the 15 missed calls from my mom. We’d talked about that before, so it must’ve been an emergency. When I called it went straight to voice mail so I finished up class. On the way to my car, she called. Aunt D. died today and we need to go and ID the body, then I heard her break down. OK mom, I’ll head out to Long Island to pick you up because I don’t want you driving. I wagged my face at the sky. Seriously God? What do you want from us? Then I put it away. Have you ever done that? Just put your complete response to something that’s happening until a later, more convenient date? If you’ve compartmentalized, even for a second, you have. I was running out of room even with my maintenance therapy appointments, spiritual advisors, legal mentors, the family, the friends…a few years later, I was working at a law firm, I was recovering from surgery, had had COVID 2x, was working 70 hours per week and I mentioned that I had so many things happening at once to a partner when he told me “you should compartmentalize”. I’ve run out of compartments I said, grinning.

Compartmentalization is the enemy of wellbeing. We can't keep splitting ourselves if we truly want to be whole. It's not magic, it's work.

I think that’s why I hate the term #BlackGirlMagic so much. It’s almost like the world decided that Black people, especially Black women, have some kind of supernatural ability to just shovel crap. When we go to the hospital they don’t take our complaints seriously, often forgoing pain medication that would otherwise we standard or disregarding our concerns about potential complications we sense in the bodies we ourselves occupy. It’s why so many Black women die in child birth in the good old US of A while no such complications occur in “developing” countries. It’s why the Black woman with all her alleged magic still needs to further demonstrate her worthiness above and beyond the requirements, even when she shows up with every accolade. It’s why you think we are robots, meant to work ourselves to death with a Louis Armstrong smile on our faces as if to say “I see skies of blue and clouds of white / The bright blessed days, the dark sacred nights / And I think to myself / What a wonderful world”. This can’t be what life is all about, I say to my therapist. I know all things work together for those that love the Lord, but I’m not convinced God is on board with these shenanigans. I think I was 19 or 20 then. They said I was “well-adjusted”, exceptional even — destined for greatness. I’m a little vain about how smart I am so I muses about it for a while but that really couldn’t be it.

Much of the mental health experience within the Black community is impacted by the lack of quality health insurance as well as the stigma attributed to those who seek mental health care. Part of the reason I referenced my therapist among my personal board of directors is my desire to normalize Black people (and frankly all people) seeking and obtaining the mental health care that they need. Without a focus on promoting positive mental health through counseling and, if necessary, medication in order to have a more enjoyable life. Yet, why should Black folks trust that their mental healthcare experience will not imitate their physical healthcare experience? How many stories have we read about the poor treatment Black people endure when they go to hospitals or local clinics? Take my Aunt D. for example, she had poor care management for a minor issue which led to pulmonary thrombosis. I remember when we looked up the hospital and saw the reviews past patients had written it was alarming: 

“If you gave Woodhull hospital a 5 star review, I'll have to assume one of two things, a) you're currently or was formally an addict, or b) you've been abused your entire life. If you work at Woodhull I assume that your tenure in medical school, or nursing school, wasn't as successful as you hoped, and your dreams have been deferred. There's no way you can recieve consistent, knowledgeable, adequate care at this facility. The medical team responsible at night will say the patients vitals are stabilizing, they're resting, and everything looks okay, place a call at 8am after rounds and the Doctor on that shift will tell you that the patients kidneys are failing, they're septic, and to start planning a funeral.”

“This experience was abysmal. It was frightening and miserable. I have 5 years of experience as a mental health worker, working in inpatient psychiatric hospitals and I was horrified and disgusted with the way the staff treated myself and the other patients. It was subhuman treatment many of the staff were downright cruel and do not deserve to have their jobs. If you love someone DO NOT SEND THEM TO WOODHULL!!! 

“If I could give it negative stars I would! My dad was taken here by ambulance and being from out of town we did not realize how bad the care would be, since it is part of NYU. The nursing staff, had zero empathy, zero sense of urgency and seemed to be annoyed anytime you asked for help. The drs had zero follow through and the only person to seem to care was a MRI technician. The entire building was run down and lacked simple necessities like towels. The worst part of his stay was when the gave my dad the WRONG medicine which could have been deadly. These people simply don’t care about the patients or their families.” 

“If you want to eliminate your enemies, send them to Woodhull.”

Why should Black people trust any treatment, physical or mental, when they have been show time and time again that “they don’t really care about us” (Michael Jackson voice).

I wish these were made up but they are copied and pasted reviews from google. This is a real hospital in one of the wealthiest (if not the wealthiest) states in America. It’s at the border of Queens and Brooklyn where the population is primary Black and Hispanic and the quality of care is gut-wrenching. How can Black people trust the world with their minds when they already know they don’t care about their bodies as a whole? How do we in the community find a way to hold hospitals like this one accountable when it’s clear there is minimal oversight by this government funded hospital. But Woodhull is just a modern representation of the Black experience with healthcare, from 1932-1972 over 100 Black men died because doctors wanted to study the effects of untreated syphilis even though there was treatment to cure them. In 1951, a sample of Henrietta Lacks’ cancer cells was taken without her knowledge and consent. These samples were then used to develop treatments. Neither Lacks or her estate received compensation despite the obvious enrichment as a result of the breakthrough in science her cells produced. Why should Black people trust any treatment, physical or mental, when they have been show time and time again that “they don’t really care about us” (Michael Jackson voice).

When a Black person speaks up, they are labeled a liar, crazy or aggressive and if possible the first thing anyone on the receiving end of their words tries to do is silence them. Whether it’s by asking them to provide absolute proof that someone known to be a creep, was really a creep or you’re just making it up. If you report the racist bully in your department, you are placed under scrutiny and are told you are overreacting even when the perp has the nerve to tell you in writing: it seems like nothing can move you because you hold things close to your vest). These may seem minor but after reading “The Body Keeps Score”, I wonder how much trauma has been passed down the Black community’s bloodlines as a result of the tragic experiences of our ancestors  since the abolition of slavery. I also wonder why none of the studies reporting the gross treatment of Black people in workplaces across industries and the negative effects on physical health and mental health isn’t enough to get rid of bad actors in workplaces.  In recent years we’ve had Black women drop dead from the stress they endured in senior roles. We’ve seen Black women share over and over again about their negative experiences in the workplace and the impact on their physical and mental health. We’ve sat idly by as a 4th grade literacy test result is used to develop place for private prisons. I was working on a deal once that ended up being a rescue financing for a PE fund heavily invested in private prisons. Once I found out, I couldn’t help but think about the population of these prisons. That’s when I started asking way too many questions about the background of clients I would represent prior to agreeing to work on a particular deal. But some of the damage was already done.

Earlier this year, 36-year-old Sonya Massey heard strange noises and called the cops. One of those officers ended up shooting her in the face after she told him “I rebuke you in the name of Jesus”. Imagine, calling for help only to be killed by folks meant to help you. We all remember the sordid video of George Floyd. We all remember Breonna Taylor (killed by cops), Botham Jean (killed by a cop who mistook his place for hers — international madness) and Ahmaud Arbery (killed by white neighbors while out jogging). But I remember Abner Louima (31 Black Haitian Male), I was in seventh grade when I read the news article that he had been sodomized by officers after being arrested outside a night-club. He received an $8m+ settlement but did he ever recover from the trauma? Could he? It’s hard enough when you experience traumatic experiences privately. Everyone knew this happened to him — imagine the shame and guilt he must have felt about that experience? Imagine this is the kind of smoking gun one needs in order to get justice? I remember Amadou Diallo (23 Black Male), shot to death after being “mistaken for a rapist” and greeted with 41 bullets instead of officers taking him in for questioning or at the very least a line-up. His parents got a $3m settlement but they never saw their son again. Can $3m replace a son? Perhaps the scariest part is the light sentencing that usually happens once these people eliminate a Black person. I often wonder how man more people were wrongfully killed by officers in the 90s when cameras weren’t in everyone’s faces and body cams were not required?

The truth is the collective experience of the African diaspora is traumatic. While many discuss their feelings about this experience, most of us just compartmentalize and continue to live our lives as best as we can. We try to avoid rocking any of the boats we must take just to survive to fight another day. Many have given up access to justice, wealth or social vindication because it was easier for their sanity to just let another person’s egregious behavior slide, yet our bodies remind us of our trauma, with the hypertension, irritable bowel syndrome, unexplained weight gain or weight loss, nervous breakdowns, anxiety, depression, OCD…In other words, compartmentalizing hasn't served us.

Here are some troubling statistics about Black Americans’ mental health: 

• In 2022, suicide was the third leading cause of death for Black or African Americans ages 10 to 24.*

• The death rate from suicide for Black or African American males was more than four times higher than for Black or African American females in 2020.

• The overall suicide rate for Black or African Americans was 50% lower than that of the non-Hispanic white population, in 2020.**

• Black or African American females in grades 9–12 were 60% more likely to attempt suicide in 2021 than non-Hispanic white females of the same age.***

• Black or African Americans living below the poverty level, as compared to those over twice the poverty level, were twice as likely to report serious psychological distress in 2015–2016.^

• A report from the U.S. Surgeon General found that from 1980 to 1995, the suicide rate among African Americans ages 10 to 14 increased 233%, compared to increasing 120% among non-Hispanic whites.^^

Our mindset could either propel us toward the outcomes we desire or stymie any attempt we make toward our goals. 

I’ve been on a mind over matter trip for a long time. It can be annoying to folks who really want to wallow. I just like to fix things and keep it pushing. BUT a lot of times in the Black community no one really wants to fix the thing, they just want to vent. Any venters reading this? I hope you’re offended. I made a rule for myself as a teenager that I wouldn’t allow anyone to knock me out of my orbit because they refuse to solve a fixable problem. I had moved 3 times by the time I was twelve years old and I think I was just tired of the perpetual deference. No one noticed until they did. Several years later, I was talking to an uncle of mine who put it this way “Don’t waste your brain space on people or things that don’t concern you”. I had so many questions for him, but the most important one “How can I tell if the people or things concern me?”. If you have to ask that question, they don’t. Seemed like a very loose interpretation of one of my favorite Bible verses: “Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you” (1 Peter 5:7). My mind was blown. I was free…I didn’t need to be so overwhelmed by everything that might happen in my extended family. LOL were we still West Indian? I think this is common among the African diaspora but I will limit it to Caribbean folks. 

How do you maintain a resilient mindset when the world is hell-bent on crushing you and anything you attempt to build until you die? For me, it’s a combination of prayer and meditation on the word of God, high intensity exercise + regular recovery massages, therapy + career coaching. But everyone has their own set of practices to keep them thriving. There is no one-size fits all approach to entering the mental space you need to reconcile your past experiences with your present while also creating the right circumstances to build the life you want in the future. Sure you can read 100 books and talk to a therapist and pray but ultimately you have to make the decision to adopt a lifestyle that allows you to embrace the life you imagine you could have despite the mad mad world we live in. And once you commit to a mindset that works for you, then you begin to take the necessary steps to achieve your short and long term goals. It’s the difference between choosing to defer to a narrative you know to be untrue and blowing it up with the unadulterated truth. It’s the choice to burn a bridge because you no longer want to be impacted by folks who have revealed their desire to diminish anything you are working on. It’s the decision to get rid of all of the alternative plans you considered and remain laser-focused on the master plan for you to achieve your purpose.

We understand the long term effects of failing to address those issues that create a strain on our mental health and, by extension, our overall wellbeing.

Today, more Black people are seeking mental healthcare as a part of their health routines which has helped to remove some of the stigma from Gen X through Gen Z. More and more, folks are prioritizing their mental health over saving face because they understand the long term effects of failing to address those issues that create a strain on their mental health and overall wellbeing. In fact, there are so many therapists and psychiatrists posting regularly on social media which has further de-stigmatized the importance of securing your mental wellbeing. Perhaps we are not where we would like to be but we are certainly not where our parents and grandparents have been. Many of us are committed to leaving generational wealth that is beyond financial health, focusing on healing our personal traumas as well as those bits we inherited, focusing on physical wellbeing because we’re not accepting that we become insulin-resistant at 35 and develop Type 2 diabetes by 40, focusing on spiritual wellbeing because we need to recognize our value and worth based on our beliefs and customs not the validation of others (and if you’re Christian like me, you believe everything God says about you in that Bible), focusing on social wellbeing by having the tough conversations over time to bring healing to your relationships, whether personal or professional, focusing on financial wellbeing by pursuing the higher paying jobs relentlessly because you already picked up your degrees and accolades and deserve to be paid.

The inner work we’ve committed to is the B12 shot we need to boost us beyond survival and into a state of thriving, flipping the script from generational trauma to generational healing, financial dependence to financial benevolence, spiritual bankruptcy to spiritual solvency and overflow, physically unwell to physical fitness, career casualty to c-suite membership and decision-making. 159 years after the abolition of slavery, we are redirecting our efforts from trying to get others to see our humanity, and focusing on seeing our humanity within the community. We can no longer wait for others to do right by us, we must do right by ourselves and be willing to pay whatever tolls we must to make sure our children aren’t fighting the same fight out great grandparents did. We are no longer playing into the idea that some miracle or magic will save us, instead we recognize the power our Maker has placed in us to be the one to make the changes we seek in this increasingly hostile society that we must continue to call home.

Sources:

* CDC. National Center for Injury Prevention and Control. Web-based Injury Statistics Query and Reporting System (WISQARS). http://www.cdc.gov/injury/wisqars/index.html (back)

** CDC, 2023. Deaths: Final Data for 2020. National Vital Statistics Report, Vol. 72, No. 10. Table 10. (back)

*** CDC, 2023. High School Youth Risk Behavior Survey Data. https://nccd.cdc.gov/Youthonline/App/Default.aspx (back)

 ^ CDC, 2019. Health United States, 2017. Table 46. For the definition of “serious psychological distress,” see Appendix. (back)

^^ U.S. Surgeon General, 2001. http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK44251 (back)