Bringing Menopause out of the shadows by Jo Davey

Last year I discovered I was perimenopausal.

At the time I was experiencing a myriad of physical ailments and emotional issues – horrific pain in my joints, insomnia, hot flushes at night, extreme fatigue, rages coming from nowhere and a frighteningly low mood that felt worryingly like depression.

I have had depressive episodes and I had a toolkit for that but I found the fatigue and pain in my joints really hard to deal with – I need energy for my busy life - working full time in a global role – two teenagers, a house, a husband, parental care, a dog etc… and I’m used to being active and not waking up feeling like I had been thrown down the stairs. Every day.

And I was full of anger – and I’m not an angry person – a bit scatty and over enthusiastic at times but not angry. But I was getting more and more episodes of what I can describe as white heat where I just flipped at people (usually my husband and children) for the smallest of thing with a rage that was insane. I lost a really good friend because of one of these such outbursts which I deeply regret but it was really beyond my control. And I was ashamed to talk about it. Embarrassed and confused about what was going on in my body.

I had just started a new job after consulting with Xaxis for a year – and on the days I worked from home I had to have a lunchtime nap (my gym equivalent) just to get through the day and there were days in London where I worried if I had the energy to get home. I seriously thought I would have to give up work.

I just didn’t feel like me. And I felt very alone.

It sort of occurred to me that it might be “the change” but my friends and I did not talk about it and my mum is dead so I couldn’t ask her about it either. I thought I had a few years to go but turns out I was in perimenopause.

For those unaware, perimenopause is the time leading up to menopause, when your hormone levels start to shift. That period can be anything from a few months to several years. Eventually your periods will stop and once you’ve not had a period for a full 12 months, you have officially reached menopause.

Whilst conversations around puberty, periods and giving birth have become more socially acceptable, menopause is still surrounded by secrecy.

Things couldn’t carry on as they were - it was scary to feel so low and angry. I read that 50-54 is the age group with the highest rate of suicide rate for women in the UK. The average age for menopause is 51. Is there a link??

Knowledge is power so I attended seminars – read a lot of books (do recommend Liz Earle’s book on menopause). I discovered that I wasn’t alone -25% of women have symptoms so bad they consider giving up work – I also discovered that there is a lot of misinformation about HRT – for those that can take it (and most can) it not only lessens many of the symptoms but it also protects against osteoporosis, heart disease and there are even studies to suggest it protects against dementia and even covid 19!

I also discovered that doctors only have mandatory training on menopause when they qualify - so knowing that and wanting an appointment longer than 5 mins to discuss this massive life change, I decided to go private. I’m lucky I can do that - but it cost me about £200 in total and I had an hour with a wonderful specialist and got a private prescription for two types of oestrogen (gel) and progesterone. (She has since written to my gp and now they issue my prescriptions).

I started to feel better within days. And 5 months in, my symptoms are down to a 2/10 – I do yoga every day which keeps my aches at bay, my energy is back, I’m calmer and happier (even my teenage kids noticed). I have made other lifestyle changes – less wine, less coffee, less sugar, more sleep but I’m doing well and I have the energy now to help others get the help they need.

It is also worth saying that if you have had postnatal depression in the past (which I did) or a history of PMS, then it is more likely you will experience depressive symptoms during your menopause. This is because your body is more sensitive to changing levels of hormones.

I can’t bear the thought of other women feeling as bad as I did when there is help out there if you get educated about it and don’t’ feel you have to “suck it up” or “ride it out”.

This time of life has the potential to be positive – I’ve laughed a lot with other peri women about our symptoms, I’ve got a skincare regime for the first time in my life and I LOVE my yoga half hour every day.

Partners and friends are a key part of the menopause support journey – here are a few points for supporters which I’m paraphrasing from one of the great articles I read on this brilliant site. (https://menopausesupport.co.uk/). If you are not getting the support you feel you need fellow women, copy and paste these tips and leave them on the kitchen table!

Tips for partners of women in menopause

Learn about menopause. The more you know about what she is experiencing the better, whilst you will never be able to understand how it feels if you are a man or if you are a woman who has not yet experienced menopause it can be difficult to understand what your partner is experiencing too.

Ask her how she is. It can be tricky to know what your partner needs when she is struggling physically and emotionally, nobody can be expected to know what another person wants or needs, no matter how close you are. You can’t be expectedly be a mind reader, so my advice is to ask (gently).

 Be patient. Whilst it can be a confusing time for you both this is not the time to be making big decisions. Try not to ask when does this end or how long will this last? Firstly, it’s not helpful and secondly, she has no more idea than you do. On average menopause lasts four to eight years from the first to the last symptom but every woman is different. Just being there to offer support, maybe a hug (unless she’s having a hot flush) or a cup of tea or running her a nice relaxing bath is enough.

Accept the silence. Many women feel that they just need a period of quiet for self-reflection, this is not aimed at cutting you out, although it might feel like that. It’s our way of processing what is happening to us.

Resist the urge to snap back. Easier said than done I know but it’s important to understand that fluctuating oestrogen levels influence the neuro-receptors in the brain and that can result in a sharp tongue sometimes, as my husband will confirm. Just stop, breathe and walk away if you must, it will pass.

Help her get help. Encourage your partner to seek help and consult her doctor about her symptoms and offer to go with her. For some women just making the appointment can be a major hurdle, anxiety during menopause can be crippling and self-confidence can just melt away. It can be so helpful to have a supportive partner with you when you sit down in front of your doctor and everything you had planned to say evaporates.  

Well done if you’ve made it this far!

There are 3.5 million women over 50 years in UK workforce so let’s bring menopause out into the open and help them. If we want a diverse, multi-generational workforce we need to get better at smashing this stigma!