Bullying and shaming in the workplace: An overview (and ideas to help you manage it)

Bullying.

It’s one of the most troublesome workplace behaviours.

There’s arguably only one other behaviour that causes as much trouble if left unchecked in a workplace.

Shaming.

These two behaviours often (but don't always) come as a package; especially when there's a group element to the bullying or it's led by a particularly popular individual.

For the avoidance of doubt: bullying and shaming are never acceptable.

Not only is it a poor way to solve problems, but it’s also really damaging to the person on the receiving end of it, the team, and the organisation.

Fortunately, isolated incidences of bullying and shaming are fairly simple to deal with once you’re aware of them. Most HR processes are robust enough to enforce a zero-tolerance policy that can rapidly rectify the situation via a suite of options ranging from mediation right up to dismissing the instigating individual.

However, the real problems arise when bullying and shaming behaviours become accepted and normalised. This starts when blaming and shaming behaviours are justified because they “achieve results”. Then, the leaders and managers that instigate those behaviours get rewarded. Before long, the behaviours filter down to the team and individual levels. The net result is a psychologically unsafe pressure-cooker culture.

As part of this culture, colleagues will be expected to answer questions quickly with perfect accuracy. They must know exactly what they’re doing at all times. Their advice and contributions will be unfairly scrutinised. Essentially, there will be no room for error. And one mistake is enough to be cast out.

It goes without saying that this isn’t healthy. But, before you can tackle bullying and shaming, you need to know what it is and why it happens.

Bullying

At the most basic level, bullying behaviour is unkind behaviour.

It's born of an "I'm OK; you're not" mindset. And this mindset results in a deeply rooted (and wholly unjustified) sense of superiority and entitlement.

Things get a little more complicated when we look at how bullying behaviours manifest. Broadly, these behaviours fall into two groups, direct and indirect:

Direct

“Direct” bullying is the easier of the two to identify. This is because the bullying statements and/or actions from a person or group are directly and openly committed against another person or group.

Here are some examples of direct bullying:

•  “Why didn’t you do that” – but the tone is disgust, contempt, dismissive or impatient
• Forcefully interrupting
• Taking over a job – “Give it here – I’ll do it”
• Shouting or entering someone’s personal space
• Assumptive statements – “We can all agree…”
• Dismissiveness – “I can’t get good people…”
• Rallying the team against an individual or group “We all agreed to… What’s your problem? The rest of the team is onboard”
• Speaking in absolutes – “You are always late”

Important note: Global language (specifically, we) can be a red flag for direct bullying even if the rest of the statement is otherwise unremarkable. Words like “we” and phrases like “the team” imply that any dissent from a consensus is unwelcome and makes the person who may disagree feel “othered”.

Indirect

As you might expect, indirect bullying can fly under the radar – sometimes for years. However, just because it isn’t as obvious as direct bullying doesn’t mean that it’s not just as (if not more) harmful.

Here are some examples of indirect bullying:

• Approving an idea that you don’t support
• Dirty looks
• Eye rolling
• Negative body language
• Knowing looks between two or more people
• Gossiping
• Excluding people from meetings
• Ignoring someone
• Silence
• No tolerance for mistakes 

The net result of these indirect bullying behaviours are feelings of ostracisation. In essence, the person or group being bullied become non-players – lonely and left out of the loop.

Shaming

Humans have a deep-rooted need for community and belonging.

Shaming behaviours are those behaviours that exploit that need. They work by casting someone out of a group and making them feel awful in the process.

Basically, they explicitly tell someone that they’re not needed or wanted.

These can take the form of the direct and indirect bullying behaviours listed above. They can also encompass a wider suite of acts and omissions that aren't problematic at first glance. As a result, it's worryingly easy for a "hidden epidemic" of shaming to embed itself in your team or organisation if you don't keep your ear to the ground.

Look for tell-tale signs like an individual never going for lunch with the team, keeping silent on chat tools like Slack, and drops in performance that stem from a lack of support rather than a lack of competence or willingness.

Tips to help you deal with a bully

Dealing with a bully or someone who is trying to shame you or people in your team isn’t easy.

It'll probably involve a difficult conversation. Usually, because the person doesn't want their behaviour being challenged. But sometimes it's because you've unearthed something that's deeply affecting them on a personal level.

Here are some approaches and ideas to help you effectively stand up to bullying or shaming behaviour:

• Don’t bully the bully – Two wrongs don't make a right, and you'll only perpetuate the cycle
• Dig deep and discover – If the bullying is out of character, check to see if they’ve lost their sense of "I'm ok"
• Find your voice and speak with confidence
• Remember that if you witness bullying behaviour and choose to be a bystander you're complicit
• Interrupt (politely) – “Wow! Stop. Help me to find out what you mean. I’m interpreting that you think I’m stupid.”

The one anti-bullying tool you need in your toolbox!

If you've discovered a bullying or shaming problem, accountability is the potent antidote you need to eliminate it.

The Feelings Behaviour Impact (FBI) feedback tool, applied consistently across your team, will make accountability a core part of your conversation culture.

It isn’t enough to tell people that what they’re doing is wrong. They need to understand the impact of their poor behaviours on others.

It’s probably best to bring in a third party (like a manager or member of the HR team) to mediate. If you’re being bullied and you’re feeling safe and confident you can use this tool one-to-one.

1 – Feelings

Make how you’re feeling known as clearly and confidently as you can

2 – Behaviours

Let the other person know which of their behaviours you perceive as bullying and/or shaming

3 – Impact

Tell them about the impact it’s had on your life both inside and outside of work

Approaching the conversation this way helps them to see their behaviour in context. And remember, the goal isn't to make them feel bad because bullying and shaming is never the solution to bullying and shaming! Your goal is to humanise yourself and get them thinking about the consequences of their actions on you as a person.

Finally, finish up with a question and get curious.

This is vital because there’s almost always a reason for bullying and shaming behaviours. Most people aren't bullies by nature. So, by asking a question, you can help them think again about their own situation and potentially start to tackle something that's been lurking beneath the surface.

Overcome bullying for a healthier, happier team

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