Can you be honest with yourself?

It’s surprisingly difficult to stay fully honest in your writing even if you write just to yourself.

I was given a homework: to start keeping journal. Only a few sentences per day. Realisations mostly about myself; how do I react to different situations. And how my own actions are reflected in the reactions of others.

For if I understand how I behave and how it is perceived by others, I can work to become a better version of myself: a better leader and colleague.

I decided to commit to the task, and started writing. I haven’t remembered to write every day, but if I miss a day, I check my calendar for the missed days, and reflect what happened, and how it went.

After the first 10 days I don’t yet see much patterns in my behaviour, but there is something about the writing itself that I’ve learned:

I mostly write public texts: emails, chats, posts, blogs, presentations... This has affected the way I write.

I cannot but admit that while I write I think of appearances and how the text will be read.

But that doesn’t work with a journal. A journal is about being fully honest to yourself. Only by being honest do you learn about how your mind works. And it is difficult to put that honesty in to writing where it becomes visible, tangible, and permanently recorded.

I for example had to admit that amidst a group of new people I have a tendency to become a know-it-all because the situation makes me feel insecure. Unless I’ve mentally prepared, calm and rooted. It’s such an annoying trait that I had a hard time writing this down. Like not writing it would make it less true.

But after I did write this down once, it’s already easier to write it down again. After I wrote it down the first time I understood the causality; why this had happened. Which in turn hopefully helps me prepare myself for such situations in the future.

And then I felt more forgiving towards my having this tendency. Since it’s actually caused by something quite human and not just stupid behaviour on my part. Also, writing it down gave me the distance needed to understand that my perspective is very unique and I’m probably (hopefully?) my own worst judge.

I’m not comfortable enough to publicly write about my realisations regarding my behaviours as a parent and a wife, though. I’m not sure I’ve fully honestly discussed these matters with myself, either.