"Cautry in Hand, Sanity on Hold: A Surgeon’s Take on Cancer Myths"

By Dr. Grumpy Guts, GI Surgical Oncologist

You’d think after years of figuring tumors resections and dodging bodily fluids, I’d have seen it all. But no, the internet’s a gift that keeps on giving—delivering a daily dose of cancer treatment myths so wild, I’m half-tempted to swap my scalpel for a keyboard and just Google my way through surgery. Here’s a rundown of the top five offenders I battle, day in and day out, while trying not to lose my mind—or my medical license.

#### 1. "Sugar Feeds Cancer Cells and Makes Them Grow"

Picture this: I’m prepping for a six-hour resection, and a patient’s cousin storms in, clutching a WhatsApp forward like it’s gospel. “Doc, cut the sweets! Sugar’s feeding the cancer!” I sigh so hard my mask fogs up. Look, sugar doesn’t roll out a red carpet for cancer cells with a “Grow, baby, grow!” banner. Cancer cells gobble glucose because they’re greedy little jerks, not because you had a gulab jamun last Diwali. I explain this, but he’s already googling “sugar-free chemo” as an option for surgery. Send help!!

#### 2. "A Biopsy Will Make the Cancer Spread"

Next up, the biopsy-phobes. “Doc, don’t poke it—it’ll spread like wildfire!” they cry, as if I am Voldemort and my biopsy needle is a magic wand unleashing a tumor tsunami. I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve explained that a biopsy is how we find the cancer, not how we FedEx it to your lungs. But no, they’d rather trust “Dr. Reddit” than me, the guy who spent a decade learning to not stab the wrong thing.

#### 3. "Vitamin B17 Will Cure Cancer"

Then there’s the B17 brigade. “Doc, why chemo when apricot seeds have Vitamin B17?” they ask, eyes gleaming with hope. I bite my tongue (and not the tumor) to keep from yelling, “It’s not a vitamin, it’s cyanide’s cousin!” Laetrile’s a scam older than my stethoscope, but try telling that to someone who’s already ordered a crate off Amazon. I’m over here fighting cancer; they’re fighting me with fruit pits.

#### 4. "One Vaccine from Russia Will Cure All Cancers"

Oh, and the Russian vaccine dreamers. “Doc, I read Putin’s got a shot that zaps all cancers!” Sure, comrade, that’s why they’re at war with Ukraine - they want to cure cancer in Ukraine and Zelensky won’t have it!! No single vaccine exists to nuke every cancer—yet here I am, debunking Cold War fan fiction while my patient’s Googling Sputnik V for their sarcoma. I need a vacation. Or a vodka.

#### 5. "Surgery Will Be Done With the Patient Awake"

Finally, the awake-surgery skeptics. “Doc, you’re not cutting me open while I’m chatting, right?” they whisper, wide-eyed. I get it—Grey’s Anatomy’s got them thinking I’ll whip out a tumor while they sip chai and critique my playlist. Nope. Unless it’s a rare brain case, you’re out cold, dreaming of better Wi-Fi to stop googling this nonsense. I’m not running a live podcast here.

Every day, I wade through this swamp of myths, armed with facts and a fading will to live. My OT’s a battlefield—cancer on one side, internet “experts” on the other. Patients mean well, but when your tenth consult ends with “But my neighbor’s cat lived longer on turmeric,” you start questioning your career choices. So, next time you’re tempted to discuss Dr. Google’s esteemed opinion, spare a thought for me—your friendly neighborhood surgeon, just trying to cut out the cancer, not the crazy.

Dr Sanket Mehta

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