Change Your Setting, Change Your Story

Last month, I lost my younger sister. Even writing that feels heavy. Grief has a way of slowing everything down and bringing up questions we often push aside: What really matters? Which choices shaped our lives? When did things turn one way instead of another?

Thinking about my sister, I’ve been looking back at her life and mine. Even though we grew up in the same family, the places we lived shaped us in different ways.

Going down memory lane can be very informative … where we grew up, the teams we joined, the mentors we listened to, the friends we chose. Looking back, we can see how those places and people nudged our decisions, moving us forward at times and holding us back at others.

Over time, I’ve learned our environment isn’t just background. It’s an active force that sets the bar, shapes how we grow, and often pushes us to take the harder path if we want to get better.

Environment Sets the Bar

Every environment sets expectations for what’s acceptable. It signals what gets praised and what gets ignored. Some circles shrug at cutting corners. Others make doing the right thing the only option. These signals become the unspoken rules that guide choices. Over time, those choices add up to a life.

My first lessons came at home. My parents worked long hours, often at more than one job, yet made room for others. When I was in seventh grade, our church helped resettle a Vietnamese refugee family. We didn’t have much, but my parents welcomed them anyway. This taught me that daily choices can change someone else’s direction, and your own. Generosity wasn’t an event but an expectation.

High school shifted my environment in a harder way. We moved to Houston, my mom’s health declined, and the steadiness I’d known at home slipped away. My grades fell. A counselor suggested I skip college. I almost did. What helped me climb out was a different circle of people. Friends in our neighborhood expected good grades, after-school jobs, and effort. They pushed me to apply to college. I finally did. Their expectations became my expectations which changed my path.

Designing on Purpose

College definitely tested me. My first term was anything but remarkable, so I changed my environment before I tried to change myself. I mapped my week: mornings, gaps between classes, and Sunday–Wednesday nights were for studying, and Thursday–Saturday nights were for friends. Setting simple priorities like earning good grades and protecting friendships moved me from struggling to thriving. Later I used the same approach to improve my health, treating calories like a bank account, doing workouts early in the morning, and keeping my routine simple. It felt odd, then normal, then natural. As life got busier, I simplified things more by putting the few things that mattered most on the calendar first, then course correcting as needed. Creating the pattern is the point. The right environment makes the right choice easier.

I’ve seen this play out in large organizations too. When leaders are clear about what matters and track a few basics, norms reset. A quick weekly update, celebrating small wins, and consistent follow-through shift “how we do things.”  Notice when you expand beyond financial outcomes to include quality factors like customer satisfaction and purpose-driven goals, the solutions become more creative and sustainable. It’s a small shift, but one that can dramatically change the trajectory of the outcome.   People don’t transform overnight, but the environment makes good choices easier.

Choosing the Harder Pond

One of the most important choices Janine and I made as parents was where to plant our family. We could be big fish in a small pond, or small fish in a large one. We chose the larger pond, meaning, we wanted our kids to be surrounded by peers who pushed themselves, teachers who demanded more, and communities that expected character as much as performance. We wanted them to learn to be comfortable being uncomfortable, going places where they wouldn’t be the best, fastest, or first.

There were days when we wondered if we’d made the right choice, but discomfort became a teacher. Our kids learned to ask for help, manage pressure, and fail without losing heart. We learned alongside them. We found friends raising grounded kids in demanding settings, and at home we prioritized the habits that held us together, like shared dinners, honest conversations, simple rituals. The environment outside raised the bar; the environment inside helped us meet it. Looking back, it was the best decision we made. Being small fish in a large pond stretched us and set clear expectations. Effort, humility, and integrity became the norm.

People Shape the Environment, and the Environment Shapes You

The people in our lives are the other life-changing factor. My parents modeled service. After my mom died, I found my way back to church and volunteering, and serving moved from an idea to a habit that still steadies me.

I didn’t always choose well. I’ve stayed in circles where cynicism was normal because it was convenient. I’ve mistaken talent for character, kept quiet when I should’ve spoken up, and held on to a few relationships long after it was clear we weren’t bringing out the best in each other. Those choices shaped me too, not in ways I wanted. The good news is we can change course. Proximity changes probability, who we spend time with moves us toward certain behaviors.

What helps me now? I pay attention to what people normalize—effort, honesty, and follow-through, or shortcuts and drama—because what’s common becomes contagious. I trust actions more than words, especially when it’s inconvenient; that’s when the real signal shows. I notice how I feel after time together: do I leave calmer and clearer, or the opposite? I start small and test trust, sharing a little and seeing how it’s handled before sharing more. And I try to offer what I’m asking for—show up, keep my word, give credit, own my mistakes—so I can be the kind of company I’m looking for.

Start Small, Then Keep Going

Life will still bring loss and surprise, but we can shape our environment far more than we think. Begin with one specific change. Pick a place that supports the person you want to be. If you need focus, go where focus is easy. For me, that was the library in college, the quiet early hours for exercise, and a Sunday planning ritual. Let the place make the right choice the easy choice.

Curate your people. Find friends and mentors who tell the truth, ask good questions, and believe you can do hard things. I wouldn’t have gone to college without the nudge of friends. I wouldn’t have stayed grounded without people who reminded me that service is the point.

Name what you care about and write it down. Words shape choices, and choices shape days. Over time, days become a life. I’ve met plenty of talented people who stayed stuck because their surroundings worked against them. I’ve also seen people who had every reason to quit keep going because they put themselves in places that helped. One set the alarm a little earlier, sat at the kitchen table at 6 a.m., and gave their best time to what mattered most. One asked to join the toughest team and sat next to someone who pushed them. One found a faith community that reminded them they were made to serve, not to impress. None of that makes headlines, but all of it makes a difference.

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In the end, our environments become our habits, and our habits become our story. I see it in my story and in my sister’s, both shaped by our experiences and the people in our lives. The good news is we get to write a lot of it. Choose places that set a high bar for what’s acceptable. Choose people who bring out your best. Build simple systems that favor consistency over intensity. When you have more than you need, lend your hand and serve. There’s no better environment, for others and for you, than that. Start small, keep going, and let the right environment do what it does best: pull you forward.