The Coach Within – by Suguna Devi Murugan

Chapter 2: Emotional Agility & Resilience

Let us first understand Why This Chapter Matters

Coaching others begins with coaching ourselves. I’ve learned that emotional agility isn’t just a skill—it’s a lifeline. It’s the ability to stay grounded when emotions surge, to feel deeply without drowning, and to choose response over reaction.

I remember a moment not long ago when I felt emotionally triggered during a team review. A comment landed harder than expected. My chest tightened. I wanted to defend myself immediately. But I paused. What I really needed was space—to breathe, to reflect, to not react. That pause changed everything.

 The Storm and the Lighthouse

In one of my corporate workshops, a team leader broke down mid-discussion. The room went silent. Everyone looked to me. Instead of rushing to fix it, I gently asked, “What are you feeling right now?”

She whispered, “Overwhelmed.”

That single word shifted the energy. Others began opening. The storm didn’t disappear—but the lighthouse was lit. That moment reminded me: naming emotions is powerful. It creates safety. It creates connection.

I’ve seen this in my own life too. Once, I admitted to a colleague, “I’m feeling anxious about this deadline.” That honesty led to support, not judgment. Naming the emotion helped me move forward.

Emotional Agility

Psychologist Susan David calls it emotional agility—the ability to navigate emotions with curiosity, compassion, and courage.

As a coach, I strive to:

• Recognize emotions without judgment
• Label them accurately
• Respond with intention, not impulse

I often ask myself:

• Can I name what I’m feeling right now?
• Am I pausing before reacting?
• Am I creating space for others to express themselves safely?

The Emotion Wheel

Most of us default to “I’m fine” or “I’m stressed.” But emotions are layered. The Emotion Wheel helped me expand my vocabulary and understand myself better.

Recently, after a tough client call, I sat with the wheel. I realized I wasn’t just “frustrated”—I felt disrespected and disappointed. Naming those emotions shifted my perspective. I could then address the real issue, not just the surface reaction.

The Framework should be Pause → Name → Reframe

This simple framework has become my go-to:

1. Pause – I take a breath. I create space.
2. Name – I identify the emotion. I use the wheel.
3. Reframe – I ask, “What is this emotion trying to tell me?”

💬 For example:

• “I’m anxious” → “I care deeply about this outcome.”
• “I’m frustrated” → “My boundaries may be crossed.”

I’ve journaled through this process many times. Each time, I uncover something deeper.

Let’s try an Exercise: Emotional Audit

Recently, I had an experience that reminded me how important emotional awareness is in high-pressure environments.

What happened? A project deadline was moved up unexpectedly. It caught me off guard and disrupted the flow I had planned.

What did I feel? Initially, I felt panic and pressure—like I was being squeezed without warning. There was also a bit of resentment, not toward anyone in particular, but toward the situation itself.

What did I do? I vented to a teammate. It was a spontaneous reaction, and while it helped release some tension, it didn’t necessarily move things forward.

What would I do differently now? I’d pause. I’d name the emotions I’m feeling—panic, pressure, resentment—and then take a moment to communicate my needs calmly. That shift from reaction to reflection can change the entire tone of a conversation.

What did I learn? Sharing this with a peer helped me feel seen. It reminded me of the power of non-judgmental listening and how valuable it is to have someone simply hold space for your experience. It’s a small moment, but it deepened my understanding of emotional regulation and connection.

Let me share a Case Study: The Student Who Wasn’t Defiant

During a teacher-training session I facilitated some time ago, a participant shared a story that has stayed with me ever since.

A student had been acting out—disruptive, seemingly defiant. Instead of reacting with discipline, the teacher paused and asked a simple but profound question: “What’s going on inside?”

The student responded, “I’m scared my mom won’t come back.”

That moment shifted everything. The teacher saw not defiance, but fear. The student felt seen, not punished. And the classroom became a space of compassion rather than control.

This story reminded me of a truth we often overlook: Behavior is communication. What looks like defiance might be fear. What looks like apathy might be grief. What looks like aggression might be a cry for connection.

As educators, leaders, and coaches, we’re often trained to manage behavior. But what if we trained ourselves to understand it instead? What if we paused long enough to ask, “What’s going on inside?”—not just to students, but to colleagues, clients, and even ourselves?

This case study continues to inform how I approach coaching and facilitation. It’s a call to lead with empathy, to listen beneath the surface, and to remember that every behavior has a story.

💡 Reflection Prompts

Here are questions I continue to ask myself and may be you want to ask yourself as well:

• What emotions do I find hardest to sit with?
• How do I typically respond to discomfort?
• What would it look like to coach myself through those moments?

Wait for Chapter 3...