Coaching Chemistry - Edition 18

This newsletter is written jointly with my 11-year old autistic/ADHD son whose passion is science. In each edition, he will start by talking about a scientific phenomenon. I will then relate it to coaching and write about its application to senior leaders.

The part my son writes is not edited by me in any way and I've indicated his part with block quote notation. The part I write follows below in normal text (you can skip to it if you're not interested in science 😉). Hope you enjoy this unique format!

Radiochemistry

Everyone knows radiation is dangerous, but how much do you know about it?

As a start, I would note that not all radiation is dangerous, and that we are constantly being bombarded by an unimaginable amount of “radiation”, in that almost any fast particle is considered radiation, whether matter or energy.

There are three basic radiation types: alpha, which are fast moving helium nuclei, which are fast electrons, and gamma, consisting of ionising electromagnetic waves.

Alpha radiation is emitted by large nuclei, as they consist of two protons, and two neutrons. This means that they are too massive to emit from smaller nuclei. This is the reason that they are easily blocked. However, more mass means more kinetic energy, and alpha particles transmit the most energy, with a weighting of around 20 sieverts per becquerel. Alpha radiation is mostly dangerous when ingested or inhaled, as it is easily blocked by the skin. Ingestion or inhalation allows radiation to be transmitted to internal organs directly, leading to multiple organ failure. This is the reason why gas masks are worn around the Chernobyl and Fukushima Daiichi nuclear accident sites. Most radioactive elements are alpha emitters, including uranium 235, uranium 238, and plutonium 239.

The above section is the unedited writings of my son.

Coaching

Like radiation, we absorb beliefs and assumptions from the world. Most of them are helpful, or at least harmless, just like the environmental radiation all around us. Sometimes, though, we've absorbed harmful beliefs, and again like radiation, it is unnoticed until the harm is done.

We often say radiation kills. That is true. (So does bad beliefs, by the way.) But way before it kills, it causes damage, and sometimes cancers, a disease where you die because your cells are trying so hard to live. Cancers occur when cells with damaged DNA resist the command of the body to self destruct and instead replicate endlessly and even band together so that they can't be easily destroyed by the body. Now let's look at how that is similar to harmful beliefs.

When I encounter clients who have misguided belief systems, my first job is to delve into why the belief exists. What I've found over the years is that beliefs exist to protect us. To help us prevent pain or gain success. It's a survival mechanism gone wrong. Much like cancer.

Belief Formation

So how are these beliefs absorbed? Like radiation, there are three processes, similar to the three types of radiation in many ways:

1. Indoctrination 
2. Unspoken beliefs
3. Personal experience

In this month's Coaching Chemistry, I'll just look at indoctrination because of its similarity to alpha radiation. Over the next two months, I'll examine the others ways in which we pick up beliefs.

Like alpha radiation, indoctrination is the most heavy handed way to transmit a belief. Nonetheless, most of us have been subject to this. Many parents try to teach their values to their children. Schools have made similar attempts. Government are still trying to this day. This belief transmission has the most effort and energy behind it, and may make the most change in our personal belief system if absorbed.

Still, we have natural immunity to this. Just like how the skin stops alpha radiation, most indoctrination are unsuccessful. We realise that it is happening, and our minds resist it happening. This is the reason why what our parents do outweigh anything they say.

Nevertheless, if we're very young, if the belief is widespread, or if it aligns with something else we already believe in, we can be successfully indoctrinated.

What happens if we're indoctrinated with something we do not want?

Belief Removal

Contrary to what my coachees often think, it is not difficult to remove a belief, nor does it necessarily take a lot of time. I've seen coachees shift their beliefs instantly again and again.

What does it take to shift a belief then?

The most important thing is the perception that it is a belief you hold. Coachees frequently self identify with a belief. For instance, a senior leader once told me, "I'm just a big picture person" instead of seeing it as "I believe I am not good with details and therefore have never tried to deal with details," which is a lot closer to the truth.

When you can see yourself as separate from the belief, you are able to think about what other belief you may want to hold instead. It is hard to simply remove a belief. Far easier to replace one belief with another one that works better for you.

To do that is a 4-step process:

1. Understand the reason for the belief
2. Understand how the belief is currently benefiting you
3. Understand how the belief is currently hindering you
4. Modify the belief to something else that is equally true but more helpful for you

Let's look at this process in more detail.

Step 1: Understand the Why

You are a rational person and there will be a good reason for anything you do. This is one of the fundamental beliefs of coaching.

Thus, when you hold a belief, there is a good reason you are holding it. Most of the time, it will be to prevent a pain or achieve a goal you care about. For example, someone who believes "people are not to be trusted" may be trying to prevent the pain of betrayal. Another person who believes "honesty is the best policy" might be trying to achieve the goal of personal integrity.

The purpose of understanding the 'why' is to help clarify what this belief was trying to achieve. This allows you to discover if the belief was truly helping you reach your outcomes, and if not, opt for a different strategy to reach the same outcome.

Step 2: Understand the Benefits

A belief persists because you are reaping some benefit from it. The benefits may be the reason for the belief's existence or it may be a side benefit.

For instance, "people are not to be trusted" may prevent you from the pain of betrayal (or not). But if you are extremely introverted and prefer not to form relationships with others, it may also give you the side benefit of not having to do so.

Side benefits can be even more complicated than that. To stretch the above example out, you might be under pressure from your family to get married, something that you'd prefer not to do. By maintaining that "people are not to be trusted", you effectively prevent the start of any relationship that might possibly lead to a marriage, having a good excuse to stay single, while skirting the insistences from your family.

Knowing the benefits that a belief brings you helps you to comprehend your decision to keep it. Brainstorm if you can get the same benefits elsewhere or if you can reframe some of the benefits so you no longer see them as such.

Step 3: Understand the Consequences

If a belief only brought benefits, you won't be trying to remove it.

List down the negative consequences having this belief brings to you. Make it as comprehensive as possible. Truly feel what having this belief means, and what are the effects it's had on you. Examining depth of the consequences can help you understand the extent of the harm you've suffered from holding onto the belief. 

At this point, you might be wondering what all this 'understanding' can do for you. After all, so what if you know? Most of my clients seem to believe that change is a process that you must exert yourself to DO.

In coaching, we believe that awareness IS change. The Paradoxical Theory of Change from Arnold Beisser states that“Change occurs when one becomes what they are, not when they try to become what they are not.”

When you know something, you cannot unknow it. So when you gain an awareness on your belief, this awareness immediately changes your relationship to the belief. The belief no longer holds as much sway over you because you are aware it exists. Now when it triggers, you have a choice of whether to follow what your belief dictates you do or to choose a different action. 

Step 4: Modify the Belief

It’s hard to simply remove a belief. The much easier way is to replace one belief with another.

The belief we choose to replace it with has to have a few characteristics. 

First, it must hold equally as true. If you believe "I am unfit and unhealthy", deciding to believe "I am fit and healthy" just won’t ring true. It doesn’t matter much many positive affirmations you repeat to that effect. Your mind simply won’t accept that as the reality. A much better replacement belief would be "I can become fit and healthy if I start changing my lifestyle from today." It is far more likely to ring true, and your mind is hence more likely to accept it.

Second, it has to bring benefits equal or exceeding that of your old belief. A belief that brings no benefit to you won't take root. Your mind is rational and won't hold onto beliefs if there is no reason for it to do so.

Third, it has to have no, or at least less, negative consequences than the original belief. This might seem 'duh!' but trust me when I say I've seen clients choose replacement beliefs that appear, at least to me, to bring more negative consequences than the original. One client who suffered from a betrayal wanted to choose, "I won't trust anyone in the office." We discussed it, and she eventually realised that new belief might bring her more problems.

Conclusion

All of us carry beliefs that have been indoctrinated in us. Take some time to re-examine them and decide if they are still helpful in your current situation. Otherwise, replace them as necessary.

If you're facing problems replacing your beliefs, check that you're not carry a false belief that "beliefs are hard to change".

PM me if you need a hand replacing your limiting beliefs.

#coaching #beliefs #limitingbeliefs #mindset #mindsetchange #radiation