"Proactive Listening" Can Save a Friendship or Relationship and So Much More

Fight or flight.

Doesn’t it make you nervous just thinking about having to make that choice?

It happens all the time, and most of us have trouble choosing the correct action. You may have felt this with your parents when they were educating you on the do's and don't of life, or when they scolded you when you capitalize the "don't".

How about your first heated interaction with a schoolmate or a bully on the playground? They were picking on you or trying to make you do something you don't want to do. You know you have two options, stay and fight or just take the abuse and run away.

Your adrenaline starts to pump... endorphins flood your brain... your body sends blood to your extremities... and things are starting to get blurry.

Will you act on that impulse? Or will you keep it cool?

Maybe you decided to fight on the playground, but what happens when you’re in the office with your boss or on the phone with a customer?

A lot of the time, running is not an option, so how can you fight effectively? Even if you are a seasoned veteran in the art of conversation, this may still go south. Great confidence booster, I know, but stay calm.

The important thing to remember is if you practice tough conversations, you will be more prepared for the “fight.”

Practicing conversation may seem a little abstract, but think about it like this...

I have actively practiced Martial Arts my whole life and the most important takeaway is the discipline behind the practice. Although I was taught how to defeat an opponent, I was also taught that fighting is the very last line of defense. You learn that most people starting a confrontation with you likely don't have the same discipline that you possess, therefore you should attempt to work the problem out instead of being physical. My point is, I always find a way to defend myself or others without hurting anyone, but I am ready if the situation presents itself.

In the same way, if you’re presented with a confrontational conversation, your first line of defense should not be an argument. If there is a scenario where you feel a confrontation is inevitable, you have to be quick on your feet, but remember to take a deep breath at this moment of recognition. This will clear the clouds caused by the “fight or flight” response and make it a whole lot easier to assess the situation properly.

Preparation, practice and real-life trials help immensely when the unexpected happens.

Sure - it’s easy to just say “take a deep breath” and it seems great in theory, but how can you actually exercise that control? The art of Proactive Listening is the Martial Arts of conversation.

What is “proactive listening” exactly?

The official definition of proactive listening is the intentional and conscious effort to listen understanding. Proactive listeners not only remain silent and give attention to the speaker, they use non-verbal gestures for engagement and feedback for message confirmation.

Unfortunately, most people listen to respond instead of listening to understand.

STOP THAT!

It doesn't matter if you're right or wrong. Imagine if you were right, and you listened to the recipient, then responded at the end of their rant. By allowing them to fully express their concerns before responding, you can end the conversation much faster instead of interjecting because of emotion.

When tensions are high, ask yourself, “Is this an argument or a discussion?” I prefer a discussion. For me, being diplomatic is one of my strong traits in relationships. You will have a lot less of these looks from your partner if you listen and acknowledge that you have heard their concerns.

The same idea applies sales. When people go on a rant, regardless of the topic, they eventually come to the main point of their argument in the last few sentences, after filling the rant with information or facts that actually mean nothing in the big picture.

Consider this…

I once had a call with a frustrated customer who argued with me about the product/service that we offered only to find out that he actually didn't want a product at all, but a link to a list of partners who could provide "done-for-you services." This conclusion happened when I practiced my proactive listening skills. He spoke, I listened, and then I responded to the end of each statement instead of cutting him off and answering in ways that made him more frustrated. Finally, the conclusion was met, in part because I never lost my cool, and I restated his concerns and questions.

You have to remember that you don't know what is going on in people’s lives, and when they talk, they want to be heard regardless of how frustrated they are or how difficult they seem. There is a way to compromise with this type of person - listening and responding confidently or providing a valuable suggestion when the occasion calls for it, will help you immensely in this type of exchange.

Freedom of speech is an amazing thing. What’s even more amazing is when someone actively listens, isn't it? There is great comfort in speaking with a proactive listener who responds to your statement and kindly corrects you, or even better, adds value to your great idea.

What if you practiced proactive listening? How many people could you potentially help, either correcting or agreeing and adding value? How many arguments could you avoid?

We are all human and we all struggle with communication at some point. You never know when you will face a situation that launches the “fight or flight” response, but if you are ready, I am sure that you will be able to hold your own. I'm not saying you will win them all, and sometimes you might even be the one in the wrong, but it is important to be humble and always remember that you are just one of seven billion people on this planet, all with their own opinion, and you have so much potential to learn from your mistakes (or theirs)..

As a salesman, a personal trainer, a friend, a partner, an athlete, and a novice, I will always listen and gather as much knowledge as I can. I apply this knowledge in every aspect of my life as I see fit for my values. I will never be a know-it-all (according to my mom no one likes those)but I will shine some light and drop heavy knowledge when it's needed and listen always. I urge you to be a proactive listener, to keep learning and to be open. Understand the world and where you are in it.

Thank you for reading :)