The crazy ass limiting beliefs…that are controlling your choices and ruining your life.

As leaders, we all start out on some level of crazy. We all have these crazy ass ways of reacting because of limiting beliefs that are literally ruining our lives. I’ve got my own (which I’ll share later) but let’s start with an exec I worked with named Laura.

Laura was a CEO with a high powered and talented team. As the leader of this team, she kept running into one major problem…. herself.  See, Laura was emotionally reactive to almost every major obstacle that popped up. She was smart, possessed good business acumen, and had built a solid team. However, she had major emotional reactions when unexpected issues popped up, and the team fed off her stress and emotionality. So when she reacted, they reacted. Calm work environments turned into stressful and defensive work environments very quickly.

When I started working with Laura, I needed to understand more about WHY she reacted with such anxiety and stress in these charged situations. It took a few times of talking through these situations to uncover the 4 things she was feeling and thinking in those moments:

1. I can’t count on anyone
2. As soon as I delegate, things go bad
3. I’m the only one who can fix it
4. If I don’t fix it immediately, the world will fall apart

These feelings Laura had weren’t just choices or behaviors, they were beliefs that actually dictated her responses. They were so deep in her subconscious that she was reacting on autopilot without taking the time to think about why she was reacting this way. They were limiting her ability to see other possibilities.

To add to the difficulty, because she had been doing this for so long, she was trapped by something called Confirmatory Bias. Confirmatory Bias is when your brain blocks out any information that is contradictory to your current belief. So for Laura, when she examined problematic situations, her brain began looking for information to support these old beliefs, and blocked out everything that could give her information contrary. It was creating a very stressful work environment for her team, and her team was bringing that stress home.

Sadly, the effect this was having on Laura’s team isn’t isolated. A recent Gallup poll showed that more and more people are bringing the stress of work home, and it’s affecting their ability to have quality time away from work and affecting job satisfaction. Since the pandemic, workers are reporting more stress, worry, anger, and sadness than before the pandemic. You can read the full Gallup poll report here.

As leaders, how we handle stress affects how our team handles stress. If we’re acting bat shit crazy when things don’t go as planned, why are we expecting that our team won’t do the same? We, as leaders, must model better behavior.

Let’s get back to Laura. 

Laura and I started working together to address the four things she was feeling by creating affirmations and contradictory statements to counteract her initial four responses. Instead of “I can’t count on anyone,” it became “who have I counted on and it’s been successful?” The hero complex statement of “I’m the only one who can fix it,” became “who can I trust to help me fix this?” These stressful moments became opportunities to build trust instead of eroding trust like we discussed last month.

Getting Laura to slow down her response long enough to process this was an extremely challenging and scary process for her. The awesome story here is that within a month she was starting to see how her responses were changing AND how those changes were positively affecting her team and their stress level.

By slowing down and creating the contradictory affirmations, Laura was actually able to use confirmatory bias to her advantage; to help support the changing of old, limiting beliefs and see more options than before, and wasn’t stuck doing the same thing expecting a different result. She actively took control of her thoughts, changed her behavior, and got a different outcome than before.

As a leader, I’m not immune to this either. Early on in my career, rather than lashing out, I internalized the stress. I was the duck on the pond staying calm above the surface, but frantically swimming underneath. I would get so worked up that by the time I got home, I was having panic attacks multiple times a week that required an inhaler to help me breathe. Learning this process of using confirmatory bias to support a different way of thinking was a game changer for me and my leadership.

I’d like to end today with some practical steps and questions to ask yourself as you reflect back on your own personal reactions. These three questions can help you see your own limiting behaviors and beliefs, and like Laura, learn to address and improve your reactions.

What am I telling myself I HAVE TO DO?

• When facing challenges, we all have an initial action response. Whether it’s a fix-it response, or a bury your head in the sand response, this question allows us to analyze how we respond initially, and start looking for affirmations to support the opposite of our normal behavior. It allows us to see which one is really working for us and those we lead.

Who am I telling myself I HAVE TO BE?

• Not every situation requires the knight in shining armor to save the day. As leaders, we can certainly come in and be the hero, but is that the best solution? By asking this question, we can take the opportunity to step back and possibly find a better solution and a better person to solve the problem.

What am I telling myself I HAVE TO HAVE?

• This one is a bit more challenging because we can’t always put our finger on what this looks like. Maybe in stressful moments you normally need everyone to just get in line and follow your directions, or maybe when stress hits you must have a moment to explode. Find and create confirmatory bias affirmations to the opposite of what you think you need and see what transpires.

As humans and leaders, we ALL experience these limiting beliefs and behaviors and every day we have opportunities to address them to become better. It doesn’t happen overnight, but with time, patience, and a little coaching, we can all become better at creating productive and healthy work environments that help our teams lead thriving lives and build great companies.

Join us for our Monthly Call, Making Shift Happen on August 11th from 12-12:30pm. Click here to register.