The Day You Realized You Became the Bully

You weren’t always in charge.

You remember what it felt like to have your voice dismissed in a meeting. To see your ideas co-opted. To hold back because you knew speaking up would only hurt you. You saw how power was used to silence, not elevate.

And you promised yourself you’d lead differently.

And for a while, you did.

But power isn’t neutral. Environments shape people. And sometimes, without realizing it, the observer becomes the oppressor.

This is how it happens.

You get results. You rise. You gain influence. And slowly, people stop pushing back. They nod more. They speak less. You start talking more. Deciding faster. You don’t think you’re the problem - but the room’s gone quiet.

Not because you demanded it.

But because your presence now does it for you.

This is the moment where good leaders go off course.

Not because they’re malicious. But because they stop paying attention to how power changes the dynamic.

And if you're not checking that in real time, you're contributing to the very culture you once resisted.

This is the leadership gap.

And you can close it - if you’re willing to face it.

Here’s how to spot it:

1. You rarely get disagreement. Silence isn’t agreement. It’s often self-protection. If no one is pushing back, you haven’t created psychological safety, but you’ve created performance theater.

2. You interrupt more than you think. Even small habits like finishing someone’s sentence or correcting them mid-thought - send a signal. Over time, those signals add up to: "Your words are not safe here."

3. You dominate decisions. If your team’s ideas only move forward when you agree, it’s not collaboration. It’s compliance.

4. You measure input by rank, not relevance. When seniority wins over substance, you train people to watch the hierarchy - not contribute to the work.

5. You say “my team” more than “our team.” Language reveals mindset. Possessive language creates distance. Shared language builds connection.

Here’s what to do about it:

This isn't about overcorrecting or turning soft. This is about leading with clarity, intention, and self-awareness.

Step 1: Audit the Room

Start watching who speaks up, who stays silent, and who’s being listened to. In your next meeting, track it. Literally. Take note of speaking time and idea flow. If the same people dominate every time, the system is off.

Step 2: Ask the Right Questions

Instead of “Does anyone have feedback?” try:

• “What am I missing?”

• “What would you do differently?”

• “What’s the risk in this approach?”

Make space for challenge and not just confirmation.

Step 3: Remove Performance Pressure

Not everyone gives their best ideas in real time. Create asynchronous ways for your team to contribute - through follow-ups, anonymous boards, pre-meeting input. Safety looks different for different people.

Step 4: Model Mistakes

Say “I was wrong” more often. Say “I missed that” out loud. The more you show your own vulnerability, the more permission you give others to speak without fear.

Step 5: Change How You Close Decisions

Shift from “Here’s what we’re going to do” to:

• “Here’s what I’m thinking. What are your reactions?”

• “Is there a better way before we lock this in?”

Bring people into the decision before the ink is dry.

Step 6: Protect the Dissenters

When someone challenges you, thank them publicly. Then follow up privately and ask what helped them speak up. Use that intel to engineer more of that behavior across your team.

Final thought:

Leaders don’t become bullies overnight.

They become bullies when they stop noticing how leadership warps the room.

No one is immune to that shift.

And the only antidote is constant self-checking, open systems, and real accountability.

You’ve worked too hard to become the kind of leader you once feared.

So don’t just focus on how you lead.

Focus on how people feel around you.

Because psychological safety isn’t a poster on a wall. It’s the look on your team’s face when you walk in the room.

Challenge for Leaders: Ask someone you trust one question: "When was the last time you held something back from me, and why?"

Then listen. Without interrupting. Without defending. Without rationalizing.

Start there. Because power isn’t the problem.

Unquestioned power is.