Did you win, or did you lose?

Rangaraj loves the new home more than I do. He is a member of a "boy gang" with "boys" ranging from middle age to seniors. They play multiple sports but are passionate about table tennis. They have a daily "TT" time, which is sacred to each of them.

It is so important that everyone, including Rangaraj, plans their day around their TT time. They ensure they are home and free from calls, work, and nagging wives. In fact, I am sure they tell their wives, "Sorry, I can't stare at your face from 4 to 5:30 pm."

All was well until a few weeks ago. One of them, let's call him Mr. M, decided they should take their passion up a notch, and what better way than to have a TT tournament?

So tournament discussions got underway. The organizing committee got busy soliciting participation and received an enthusiastic response. There were school kids, young college students, and the usual boy gang members eager to participate.

Then came the question: what rules should they follow?

They had been playing for recreation and companionship and didn't adhere to strict game rules. But when it got competitive and involved people beyond the gang, someone suggested they follow the published norms of the game. Mr. M, however, was set against the idea. After all, the boy gang stood no chance of moving ahead in the tournament with strict rules. He resisted, sulked, and refused to budge.

As I write this, discussions have become quite heated. The boy gang is starting to split, sides are being taken, and I am watching with interest to see how this will end. But one thing I am sure of: they have lost much of the joy they used to get from their daily TT time.

This is not a unique situation. I have seen family weddings turn sour over differences of opinion on how something should be done or even what to offer on the menu. These happy moments can turn unhappy, leaving scars and poor memories.

I have seen office outings and parties that turned bitter over trivial differences.

Critical projects have gone belly up over small, immaterial issues that could have been easily handled—like whether communication should cascade from the CEO or the CHRO or whether a launch should be companywide or phased.

I understand what Mr. M feels and can empathize with his experience. I used to be like him for most of my life—even now, I slip into that mode if I am not mindful.

So why does he behave the way he does? Why was (am?) I resistant to changing any part of my solution, accepting alternate ideas?

First, the more passionate a person is about something, the more involved they become, and the stronger the resistance to suggestions that differ from the "how" they have in mind. Like Mr. M, I used to resist ideas from others—be it team members, peers, or managers—when they conflicted with my own "how," whether about projects, daily work process, or anything else. I realise that we all want the passion from those who work with us, but we want flexibility too. There lies the challenge.

Second, it boils down to a belief: "I win when every 'i' is dotted my way and every 't' is crossed my way." Anything different feels like it will mar the perfection of "my" work, output, project, or win.

This belief, combined with the conviction that "I have the perfect plan, the perfect solutions, and have already thought it through," makes me—and Mr. M—resistant to others’ ideas.

At the core, is the human need to be right. There is a belief that giving in and accepting another point of view means losing. If you get your way, you win, and by default, I lose. This belief blinds us to the larger truth: sometimes, winning the battle means losing the war. It is possible for everyone to lose—losing the joy and fun moments the event could have offered.

Often, we fallible humans lose sight of the core agenda of events, the primary purpose of a project —be it Rangaraj's TT tournament, a family wedding, or an office outing. At their core, these events are meant to spark joy, bring people together, and create happy memories. When people get stuck on trivial issues and refuse to budge, the event becomes unpleasant at best, acrimonious and ugly at worst. Instead of bringing people closer, relationships split and fracture. Rifts created in these moments don’t get bridged for a long time—sometimes, never. When it is a critical project, it impacts speed and quality, may even cause the project to fail.

When I stepped away from corporate life and chose to be a consultant, I lost the power that my position had given me. I could no longer bulldoze people into doing things my way. Clients and key stakeholders needed to be persuaded. I had to accommodate their ideas and views. I learned to differentiate between what was important and what was "okay to change." I learned to let go of a few details while keeping the ultimate outcome in sight. I allowed others their wins to achieve the bigger win. Now I try to behave in this manner in my other relationships. I step back to evaluate how important it is to get 'my way and my say' in the matter, and if it is not worth a fight, I let go.

If everyone involved redefined "winning" and kept the broader agenda and purpose in mind, perhaps we would all win. If the boy gang sat together with an open mind to find a "third alternative"—perhaps a diluted set of rules appropriate for amateurs—the joy of their TT time could be preserved.

I remain a fan of Covey and the 4th habit: "Think Win/Win." Refresh the concept if you’ve forgotten it. I love the idea of finding a third alternative—one that everyone can accept and that preserves the joy of the occasion. I am also a firm believer in losing small skirmishes if it helps achieve the larger purpose.

Think about it the next time there’s an argument about whether to serve samosas or masala vadas at an office party. There’s no need to turn it into a North Indian vs. South Indian win. Or about whether mustard or turmeric yellow should be the theme of the mehendi. It doesn’t matter. Mehendi is supposed to spark joy, and the colors of happiness are many.

Thoughts?

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