Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters the Most

Good communication is important everywhere. We attempt or avoid difficult conversations every day-whether dealing with an underperforming employee, disagreeing with a spouse, or negotiating with a client.  This article talks about ingredients of the difficult conversation , tools to manage that and how to prepare for these conversations with colleagues or family and friends. 

Ingredients of Difficult conversation

Differing perceptions

In most difficult conversations, there are different perceptions of the same reality. I think I’m right and the person with whom I disagree thinks she’s right. I don’t see myself as the problem – I know I make sense.

 What’s often hard to see is that what the other person is saying also makes sense. 

• We have different perceptions because:  We have different information about the same event/decision/issue.  
• We have different interpretations of the same event/decision/issue. Our interpretations come from different life experiences that have shaped the lens through which we see people, workplace issues, etc.

Assumptions about Intent

It is common during a difficult situation to make an attribution about another person’s intentions based on the impact of their actions on us. We feel hurt; therefore we believe they intended to hurt us. We feel slighted; therefore we believe they intended to slight us. Our thinking is so automatic that we aren’t even aware that our conclusion is only an assumption. 

Feelings

In many conflict situations, feelings are the heart of the matter. They are the primary issues even though they may be masked by a presenting symptom. Unexpressed feelings can color a tough situation. They may take the form of sarcasm, passive aggression, impatience, etc. 

Blame

Focusing on blame is ineffective because it inhibits our ability to learn what really caused the problem and to do anything of significance to correct it. Blame is about making judgments while effective conflict management is about learning from mistakes, understanding different perceptions of the same reality, and adjusting one’s behavior for better results in the future.

 Tools for Effectively Engaging in a Difficult Conversation

Tool 1: Make it safe to talk

A safe conversation is one in which both parties feel comfortable expressing their thoughts and feelings without negative ramifications and without feeling threatened. To make a conversation safe:  

• Embrace a mutual purpose. You have to care about the interests of others as well as your own. 
• Offer mutual respect. The instant someone perceives disrespect in a conversation, the interaction is no longer about the original purpose – it is now about defending dignity. 

Tool 2 Listen

Good listening in a conflict situation requires an open and honest curiosity about the other person, and a willingness and ability to keep the spotlight on them. Like Stephen Covey mentions in his book ‘7 habits of highly effective people’: “Seek first to understand and then to be understood” 

These might help: Focusing on authenticity, Listening to your own internal voice, Asking open ended questions, Paraphrasing for clarity, Acknowledging the other person’s feelings. 

Tool 3: Adopt the “Yes and…” Stance

The essence of the "yes, and…” concept is the validation that both your view of the situation, and that of another person, have value and you do not have to choose which one is right. The critical component is that you allow yourself to express your view and listen to the other person's view as well. 

Tool 4: Focus on Contribution , Not Blame.  

Contribution asks, “How did we each contribute to this problem or conflict that we are experiencing?” The purpose of asking this question and determining contribution is to do something different in the future – let’s not repeat whatever we did or did not do that got us into this conflict/problem. Let’s learn about each other and how we work together to be more productive and healthier the next time.

Preparing for a difficult conversation

1. Before you jump into a difficult conversation, spend some private time to identify the difficulty and acknowledge different points of view.
2. Be certain this is a conversation that is worth having.
3. Invite the other person to talk with you. Emphasize your interest in working well together and hearing their point of view. 
4. Describe how you believe you got to where you are, including how you contributed to the problem. Take responsibility for your part.
5. Thank the other person for talking with you. Offer why it was important to resolve this conflict.

Reflect and learn

After a difficult conversation, it’s worthwhile to “reflect” and consider what went well and what didn't. Think about why you had certain reactions, and what you might have said differently. Learning how to disarm yourself by imitating what you see is important.Handling a difficult conversation well is not just a skill, it is an act of courage.