Welcome to Women’s History Month! As we celebrate this month, I recognize and honor the humanity and contributions of non-binary people and others who face gender-based challenges. I acknowledge your vital roles in the ongoing fight for fairness and justice. I understand that the burdens of dismantling strict gender binaries and outdated roles need to fall mostly on those LEAST impacted. Gender roles and identities have always varied across time and cultures, especially prior to global colonization, and do not need artificial enforcement.
This month I’m going to talk about things I’ve learned from fictional characters. Fiction has always inspired me, shown me what is possible even when I can’t find it (yet) in my immediate world, and helped me build empathy with and for people very unlike myself. We can create some of these situations and traits in the real world, sometimes all we need is a little bit of seeing ourselves and seeing what could be in a book or on a screen.
Today I’m going to start with a quote from Seanan McGuire’s InCryptid series. In particular it’s a quote from the matriarch figure, someone seen as almost mythical and bigger than life for many of the other characters. Enid Healy in the 13th book “Aftermarket Afterlife” says:
“It never does much good to decide ‘oh this is who I am, this person right here’ and try to hold yourself to it. Everybody changes. You’re dead if you stop changing.”
Where are you stuck because you believe you have to continue to be exactly what you have seen and believed yourself to be in the past?
We are who we are. And yet, many of us ignore entire huge chapters of our own selves. We push down the less familiar or potentially scary aspects of ourselves. We always have the capacity to grow, to add to the authentic parts of ourselves.
- VOICE: Enid Healy uses her voice to guide and protect her family - born and built. She sees and uses the power of speaking up and always makes her presence known. Like Enid, let’s harness our voices and practice using them, even when it’s uncomfortable or scary. We don’t have to accept the comments that we’re too much, too direct, or too aggressive. We can access and grow the parts of ourselves that know how to speak out, persist, and get things done. Grow that muscle - the part that already exists but maybe hasn’t seen the sunlight in a while. Speak up on something small, then do it again. Speak up on something a little bigger. Do it again. Rinse and repeat. Let your voice ROAR!
- EMOTION: “You’re too emotional.” “Women are crazy.” “She’s hysterical.” No, we’re not. Those are generally codewords for women or non-binary folks who express opinions, don’t defer to the most powerful person in the room, or speak up as much as men. Enid Healy remains resilient by embracing her emotions, she knows that feeling deeply is core to her strength. I’m so sad every time a client comes to me so they can “be less emotional” at work. No. I won’t coach people into that. I coach people to embrace our emotions, to separate the signal the emotion is sending us from the meaning we assign to it and the reaction or intentional action we take when we feel it. Humans aren’t human without emotions. Embrace them. Befriend them.
- AMBITION: When we step into our innate power or indicate we’re ready for more power, we’re often called “too ambitious.” “Stay in your lane.” “Unlikeable.” Enid Healy embodies ambition as she fights for what she believes in. She lives into the idea that we can live into and celebrate our ambitions. Our ambitions are our dreams, our plans, our goals. We all have them - big or small.At some points in our careers our ambitions may be to stay the course and coast on what we know, and at others we’re striving to make a pivot, grow, or uplevel our career. Yes, other people and the systems in place get in our way, and we also can get in our own way. Many of us have internalized the belief that we’re “too much” or “high maintenance” when we play big. We try to keep our dragons small, hidden, and quiet. We ignore our instincts and play down our dreams.To effectively fight the system, we have to pay attention to our own limiting beliefs and be able to step into the inevitable conflicts and uncomfortable conversations knowing our own worth. We need clarity, confidence, courage, and some conversational skills. These aren’t some innate things that are out of our reach - they are very teachable skills. We can grow this muscle too!
- VOICE: Identify one area where you’ve stayed small and held back your voice. Commit to speaking up once in some small way. Write down your success and make a plan to keep practicing.
- EMOTION: Journal for a week about your emotions. Note what you’ve felt without judgment. Pick one emotion or situation that holds your attention and journal or talk to a friend about it in depth. Use an emotion wheel to get more granular on your feelings - find what’s underneath. For example, going deeper into anger might lead you to fear, frustration, and/or hurt. That’s the signal - now think through what meaning you’re assigning and what other truths exist in the signal. What actions open up for you?
- AMBITION: Reflect on a career goal. Identify 1-2 limiting beliefs you have about that goal. What keeps you stuck? What assumptions are you making? Now set a tiny achievable task that is one step towards that goal. Build from there.
When we apply the principles of Befriending Dragons, Gracious Space, and Radical Candor we embrace community, kindness, anti-racism, empathy, and equitable prosperity. Every small action contributes to the larger change we seek. Let’s take a deep breath, be kind to ourselves and others, and keep moving forward with clarity and purpose.
What ONE thing will you commit to for the next week?
Together, we make a difference.
Let’s grab coffee - virtual or IRL. Build your community - I’m here for you. https://befriendingdragons.com/meet
Cindy Gross, Founder & CEO of Befriending Dragons
If I could wave a magic wand over my career I would be past the challenge of [ ] and instead I would be/have [ ]. If I didn’t have to do it alone [ ].
