Embracing Spontaneous COMMUNICATION as an INTROVERT

Inspired by insights from Matt Abrahams, author of “Think Faster, Talk Smarter”

As someone who has spoken at conferences, mentored leaders, and advised on national digital policy, I’ve always been deeply committed to transformation. But here’s a personal truth I don’t often share publicly:

I’ve always considered myself an introvert.

Despite my professional visibility, spontaneous communication, especially small talk, has never come naturally. I’m often most comfortable with structure, depth, and purpose-driven conversations. Yet in today’s world, where connection and influence are as vital as competence, relying solely on prepared scripts or formal agendas isn’t enough.

So I began exploring how to transform, not into an extrovert, but into an ambivert: someone who can balance quiet introspection with confident, in-the-moment engagement.

That’s when I came across the work of Matt Abrahams, Stanford lecturer and author of Think Faster, Talk Smarter. His insights on spontaneous communication, particularly the power of small talk, offered both validation and a clear path forward.

🎯 Reframing Small Talk: Not a Test, but a Team Effort

Matt describes small talk not as a tennis match (where you're being tested with every response) but as a game of hacky sack (Oops! 😳🤔 What’s this about ?), where the goal is to keep the conversation going together.

This shift, from performance to participation, was liberating for me.

It reminded me that I didn’t have to “win” the room with charisma. I just had to engage and be present.

🧠 “Be Interested, Not Interesting”

He shares a mantra from matchmaker-academic Rachel Greenwald:

“Your goal is to be interested, not interesting.”

This resonated deeply. As an introvert, I often overprepared to sound impressive. But in reality, curiosity connects better than complexity. Asking meaningful questions and listening attentively creates deeper relationships, especially in boardrooms, networking events, or team settings.

🕒 Slowing Down = Speaking Better

One key takeaway for me was the power of pausing. Many of us rush to speak, thinking speed shows competence. But real clarity comes from slowing down.

Matt recommends paraphrasing, not to echo, but to distill what was said:

• It validates the speaker.

• It gives you time to reflect.

• And it increases the fidelity of the conversation.

This technique is now something I consciously practice in client meetings, leadership coaching, and even mentoring sessions.

🗣️ “Tell Me More”: A Lifeline for Introverts

When you’re unsure what to say next, just say:

“Tell me more.”

This one phrase became my go-to in spontaneous interactions. It opens the door for the other person to share, while giving you time to find your next thought. It’s deceptively simple, and incredibly effective.

🧭 Structure Creates Freedom

Ironically, the best way to sound spontaneous is to have a structure. Matt introduces the classic:

What ? → So What? → Now What ?

It’s a tool I now use in everything, from explaining strategy to leading discussions:

This gives my communication more flow, and it eases the internal pressure that used to accompany unplanned conversations.

🏁 How to Exit Gracefully

Ending conversations used to be awkward for me, often relying on excuses. But Matt’s White Flag technique taught me a better way:

“I need to get going shortly, but before I do, I’d love to hear more about…”

It’s respectful and leaves the door open for future engagement, critical in leadership, where relationships are long games, not one-offs.

🌱 From Introvert to Ambivert: A Journey, Not a Switch

I’m still on this journey. I haven't "overcome" introversion, I’ve learned to expand my range.

I now view ambiversion as a superpower, especially in governance, cybersecurity, and digital trust, where we must listen deeply and speak clearly. It’s a blend of authenticity and adaptability.

So to my fellow introverts out there, especially those in technical or policy-driven roles, know this:

You don’t have to be loud to lead. But you can learn to lean into spontaneity. And small talk might just be your biggest untapped asset.

🙏 Deep appreciation to Matt Abrahams for his frameworks and mindset-shifting ideas. His book “Think Faster, Talk Smarter” and his podcast of the same name are resources I highly recommend to any professional working to enhance their communication presence.

📣 I’d love to hear from others on this journey: ➡️ Are you an introvert learning to lead through better communication? ➡️ What helped you embrace small talk or impromptu engagement? Let’s learn and grow together.