Empathy: The secret sauce for de-escalating conflict

Many years ago, I was the communications manager for a water corporation delivering a $200 million world-first wastewater treatment and recycling system.

It was a vital project with significant benefits for the community, but it wasn’t popular with everyone. Partially funded through water tariffs, it contributed to residential water bills doubling over five years. Add to that the encroachment of pipes through farmland, and emotions were running high.

One community meeting in particular stands out. It was with affected landholders, and the atmosphere was charged. Even before the meeting started, you could feel the weight of frustration in the room - arms crossed, jaws clenched, quiet mutterings between neighbours. The energy was tense.

Then, the facilitator walked out and did something simple yet incredibly powerful. They acknowledged the emotion in the room.

They said something like this:

“Ok folks, we’re here tonight to discuss this project, but before we do, I want to acknowledge that there’s a lot of feeling in the room. Some of you are angry, concerned, and upset, and that’s ok. I’m here to hear those concerns and hopefully allay them. But for us to have a productive discussion, I ask that we treat each other with respect. And what respect looks like to me is:

• If you have a question, please pop your hand up.
• There’s no need to yell or swear—let’s keep it polite.
• I want to hear from everyone, so if you ask a question, I’ll then go to others in the room before coming back to you for another go.

Again, I appreciate there are strong feelings in the room, but that doesn’t mean we can’t have this conversation in a constructive and positive way.”

And you could see it - right in front of your eyes – people de-escalating. They didn’t have to keep proving they were angry because someone had already acknowledged it. The air in the room shifted, and what could have been a chaotic shouting match turned into a conversation. Still heated, yes, but constructive.

This is the power of empathy. When you acknowledge emotions upfront and set some simple ground rules, you de-escalate tension before it spirals.

The common mistake that fuels conflict 

Unfortunately, I’ve also seen leaders take the exact opposite approach. They see an angry crowd and, instead of leaning in with empathy, they armour up.

They stride onto the stage as if heading into battle, launching straight into the facts of the project while completely ignoring the emotion in the room.

And here’s what happens: The frustration escalates.

Because people’s feelings haven’t been acknowledged, they feel the need to prove them. The shouting starts. Someone yells, “What’s the point?” Another follows up with, “This is rubbish!” Before long, the speaker is playing a frantic game of whack-a-mole, trying to keep control as anger boils over. 

Ignoring the emotion doesn’t make it go away - it amplifies it.

If you want to connect with your audience and have a productive conversation (even in a high-pressure, high-emotion environment), empathy is the secret sauce that will help you do that.

Empathy doesn’t mean agreeing with people. It doesn’t mean rolling over. It means recognising and respecting the fact that feelings are in play. And when people feel seen and heard, they’re far more likely to engage with you - rather than against you.

So next time you’re walking into a tough conversation, try it. Address the elephant in the room, acknowledge emotions, and set the tone for a respectful discussion.

You might just be surprised at how much smoother things go.

Leah Mether is a communication and human skills speaker and trainer, obsessed with making the “people part” of leadership and work life easier. She is the author of two books, “Soft is the New Hard: How to Communicate Effectively Under Pressure” and “Steer Through the Storm: How to Communicate and Lead Courageously Through Change” (Ingram Spark, $25.00). Leah delivers practical, straight-shooting workplace training programs to leaders and teams across Australia and the world.