THE EMPEROR IS STARK BOLLOCK NAKED!

I was inoculated at the age of six. Not from mumps, smallpox or measles but from bullshit. My mother was exactly the same. And her mother before that. My great grandmother bought the beautiful book I have in front of me, and I have treasured it ever since my bedtime story days: a 1930 edition of Hans Andersen’s Fairy Tales, illustrated by none other than Heath Robinson. (Published by Boots, incidentally. Back in the day Boots published children’s books, especially beautifully illustrated ones like this made for the Christmas market). In turn, I read it to my children and will certainly read it to my grandson when he’s old enough. More urgently than perhaps the rest of his lineage, he will need to be inoculated asap.

For a child of six The Emperor’s New Clothes is not an easy read, and I remember asking my mother to reread specific paragraphs so that I could revel in the ridiculousness of it all. I loved visualising the imaginary fine threads and giggled at the thought of everyone in raptures over something that was entirely fictitious,…because, as you may well remember, if they couldn’t see the fine fabrics then they were clearly ‘unfit for their office’ or worse, ‘a simpleton!’ 

The lesson is an obvious one but none the less valid for that. In short, no matter what everyone else says, especially those of a higher authority, make sure you speak the truth. And in a world where truth has become as fluid and flexible as gender itself, it’s a lesson we all need right now. Obfuscated by highly charged emotion we routinely hear of ‘my truth’ as if truth is nothing but a Sainsbury’s plastic bag blowing in the breeze, left then right, never to settle at all.

Just as I believe that under hypnosis nobody actually likes sushi I propose we conduct a series of nationwide focus groups under hypnosis, asking the most pertinent questions of the day. That way, unlike the hilariously unreliable polls, we can really build a picture of what the nation truly believes. To get things going we could start with easy ones, for example:

Do you believe the media tells the truth most of the time?

Do you still maintain that the NHS is world class?

After that we could get a little more political with questions such as:

Did you truly believe Biden was ‘as sharp as a pin’ and genuinely in charge of the USA?

Followed perhaps by: Did you actually understand anything Kamala Harris said?

To mix my metaphors, now that our guinea pigs are singing like canaries we could move onto some modern day classics:

Do you still believe Covid originated from the wet markets?

Do you believe the vaccines were safe and effective?

Things are really rocking now in the truth department so it feels like it’s the perfect time to unleash a few of the unspeakables:

Do you believe that diversity is our strength?

Would you agree that Climate Change is our single biggest threat?

Do you believe Net Zero should be one of our top priorities?

On the whole would you say that the government is on your side?

Do you believe Ed Miliband is completely sane?

Should the words ‘free speech’ actually mean free speech?

Do you believe the G7 and COP30 are trying to improve your life?

Following through with:

Would you say DEI has improved your company’s performance?

Like Google and the BBC, do you maintain that there are limitless genders?

Do you believe that human beings can really change sex?

Would you say that, on balance, mass immigration has brought us net benefits?

Finally, I might hit them with:

Do you believe a new building really can be built sustainably? (You know, constructed from all that imported steel and glass we won’t make anymore)

Ending on the clincher:

Do you really believe Katy Perry went to space?

As you can see, the sessions wouldn’t take long. Stripped of social etiquette and virtue signalling I’d say that within twenty minutes or so my Hypnopoll would give us a much clearer idea of the true views of the nation. The Achilles heel, of course (and maybe this should be one of the questions) is that we all know our clever leaders don’t really want to know what we think. 

We live, it seems, in a web of lies. A web woven not so much from wickedness and deceit, but from politeness. A web so fine, so delicate, many people cannot see it at all.

Howard Saunders is a writer, speaker, the Retail Futurist…and a professional contrarian

howard@22and5.com