Finding my own balance ...

I recently had the opportunity to share my personal experience learning to balance career and family responsibilities for an internal Women in Tech newsletter. Humbled by the response I received, I’m sharing this story here in the hopes of offering support, encouragement, and inspiration to anyone who might be struggling with something similar.

My mom and my aunt both got married when they were around 16. My grandfather, who was ill at the time, wanted to ensure their futures were secure, and back then in India - security meant marriage. Despite having married at such an early age, they both still went to college and got full-time jobs after; my aunt went on to get her Masters, MBA, and Ph.D. Watching these two strong women navigate both the home and work front with such love, grace, determination, and diligence was very inspirational for me. In their own way, they showed me how to approach “having it all” that fits one's circumstances and constraints, and that gave me the confidence to strive for a great career without fear of compromising my family life.

But it wasn’t easy. When I had my first child, the moment I started holding him in my arms, after the initial feeling of overwhelming joy, a sudden gush of anxiety kicked in. Being responsible for another life felt like a lot. As I was navigating my role as a new parent, I started to worry about balancing family and work. While my husband is a fantastic partner on the home front and is always ready to go the extra mile, without the strong support system we had growing up in India, everything felt so much more stressful here in America. I told myself that I’d cut down my hours when my son started school, maybe something part-time. But every time that thought kicked in, I kept postponing that decision. I was really passionate about my career and it was starting to become a big part of my identity.

When my son was 2, I had my daughter. By this time I had stepped into a management role at work. Between our careers, a toddler, and an infant at home, things were starting to get tight. My daughter had eczema and required constant care in terms of medication and diet. At night, I would hold her hand to prevent her from scratching herself in her sleep. One night I was so tired that I dozed off into a deep sleep. When I woke up, there were bloodstains on her sheets from how intensely she had scratched herself that night. 

I just broke down. 

I should have been more attentive.

I shouldn’t have fallen asleep. 

That morning I felt so stressed. As I drove into work I kept asking myself if I can really pursue a career while still providing necessary time and attention to my kids. I didn’t think I could do it. I thought I was going to quit that day. But then I got to the office, got into conversations with my team, meetings kicked in...and I just fell right into the flow of things. It was like I forgot the incident had even happened. 

That’s when I began to ask myself what it was I really wanted. I loved my job - I cared about the work I did and I was in a position where I had the autonomy, influence, and opportunity to make an impact. I earned my “seat at the table” and I felt a responsibility to use it to make a difference. So, I stopped thinking about if or when I should start slowing down my career and started thinking, “how do I make this work”. 

I was a huge victim of “working mom guilt”. I felt like I was being unfair to my children because work consumed so much of my thoughts - product ideas, things I wanted to learn, systems I wanted to build, people I wanted to coach, it was like this constant thread I couldn’t fully shut off. I spent many nights worrying I wasn’t a good mother because I was so engaged with my work. I was jealous of my husband because he was able to compartmentalize home and work so well. He never lets either one of them collide. 

Eventually, I came to the conclusion that I would never be able to do that, and instead, I learned to integrate work and home - and for me, that seems to scale better. I want my kids to understand what I do at work and why I’m passionate about it. I don’t want them to think, “oh mom is busy”. I want them to know why I’m busy. As long as my career continues to be a big part of my life, I want my family to be included in it. My family knows what my job involves and the products I build. My kids have been to many 'bring your kids to work' days. They know when I’m organizing an all-hands, doing performance reviews, or launching something new. They know when I have a great day at work and when I’m dealing with something tough. In fact, they know many of my co-workers by their first name.

Some work is always going to come home with me, and some home is always going to work with me, and I’ve come to peace with that. Instead of separating the two completely, I set boundaries. I make sure there are limits to how much time I spend on work and that there’s visibility on both ends. Last year when I flew cross country to visit my team in NY, my daughter sent me an audio clip of a song she played on her guitar for me. I was so proud of her and missed her so much, and remember playing it during our team meeting in NY. Similarly, when one of my coworkers was coming back from medical leave my daughter created a really thoughtful “Welcome back” artwork, which still sits on my coworker’s desk.

Instead of worrying about not getting adequate quality time with family, I try to find meaningful touchpoints between work and home, where this is quality on both fronts, but the balance is more sustainable in the long term. It requires accepting that you can’t do it all, learning to let go of a couple of things, feeling unashamed to ask for help, and setting boundaries to create intentional buffers. 

I don’t think you can ever be fully prepared to be a parent - no matter how much advice you get or how many books you read. When it happens to you it’s going to be a new and unique experience. I grew up surrounded by such strong role models, and I had so much respect for how my mom both took care of our family and kicked ass at work, but the times were also very different back then. The boundaries between work and home for her were very clear and they’ve blurred together for me. I had to learn how to adapt to my own situation, and for me, that drive to figure it out came from loving what I do. If you have a passion for what you do, appreciate the people you work with, and are able to have an impact, it motivates you to find your own balance. Otherwise, it’s natural to feel like it’s not a worthy trade-off. I’ve felt tired, I’ve felt overwhelmed, I’ve felt guilty, but I’ve never felt like it wasn’t worth it.

Huge thanks to Michelle Ling whose prompt made me introspect into this journey and HT to her storytelling chops that helped craft this narrative.