THE FOUR TRAITS OF TOXIC PEOPLE

 “There are six things the Lord hates, seven that are detestable to him: haughty eyes, a lying tongue, hands that shed innocent blood, a heart that devises wicked schemes, feet that are quick to rush into evil, a false witness who pours out lies and a person who stirs up conflict in the community.”

– Proverbs 6: 16-19

Dani in Panajachel, Guatemala, Summer 2013

Do you have a loved who never seems to understand your point of view, no matter what you say or how you say it? Are you in an intimate relationship in which you feel as though your partner mistreats you, but they seem to always blame you for any problems that arise? Ever feel like no matter how nice you are, there’s always at least one person who wants to ruin your day? Is there someone in your life who gives you anxiety anytime you interact with them because their moods are so unpredictable and, afterward, you just feel drained to the point of exhaustion?

Growing up, I believed so much of what people said about me: I was ungrateful. I was disrespectful. I never listened or paid attention. I was stupid, gullible, or only “book smart.” As an adult, I attracted similar drama that seemed to only confirm what family members and a few bad friends beat into my head for years. I encountered supervisors, romantic “partners,” and a few more “friends” who I thought saw my true, bad nature– something I clearly couldn’t see for myself. I thought they were looking out for my best interests. Over time, I accepted their comments and I believed what they had to say about me over my own inner voice. Even when I didn’t know I was living out the qualities they projected onto me, I continued to unconsciously say to myself what they had said about me. It wasn’t until last year, 2018, and the beginning of my 28th year of life that I realized just how wrong those individuals truly were. 

Embarking upon my own journey of healing and self-discovery– “individuation” I guess it’s called, according to psychologist Carl Jung– I learned something important about how I grew up: I am the product of a narcissistic extended family. My background is Black, American, and lower to mid-middle class, so there’s no shortage of painful experiences, hardship, and other historical factors that brought about my kin’s personalities. Until recently, I lived a lot of my life as a codependent, naively hopeful, people-pleaser, and I never truly got to know myself. I'd also developed behaviors that edged on narcissism myself. I wondered for years why my wisdom teeth only started breaking through at age 22, and I’ve still got two more to go! (It’s okay to laugh– that was a little joke, but it’s totally true.) I suppose my body was responding to years of narcissistic treatment I had repressed for so long.

While I don’t think every problem individual in our world is a narcissist, I do believe that toxic people have far too much power. For some reason, it seems that our society and much of the world is being driven and led by narcissists and other toxic people. To be honest, I blame capitalism, but that’s a discussion for an entirely different time. Toxic people exist (they hardly “live” and actually enjoy life) with wounds deep within their being that cause them to hurt others, usually for no reason at all. Well, maybe not for no reason– these people are damaged and broken and desperately want to hide their pain from the world. It may be difficult to see it that way because they usually hide behind a tough exterior and may be extremely defensive and even passive aggressive. But their manipulation, isolation, and gaslighting are tools of the weak, or should only be used in times of war. If someone is using these tactics in your home, workplace, school, etc., they are literally projecting the psychological war zone inside their head onto you.

Toxic people are master manipulators and convincing liars, but only in the moment. Once you take some time to reflect on things they say, their actions, or just quietly observe, you begin to see the inconsistencies. A toxic person may be abusive, not supportive, or emotionally unhealthy in other ways, and an encounter with them typically leaves you feeling drained and immediately climbing into bed. Toxic people will also condition you to depend on them for their opinions about your life, and then use that relationship to take things from you– time, attention, energy, resources– or to punish you for failing to please, agree with, or simply telling them “no.” These are the people who likely only see your worth whenever you start to walk out of their lives. They target “nice” people or individuals with their own wounds or blind spots that they can exploit. They continuously blame others for all of their problems, and, when they’re finished with any of their victims, they will simply discard you and move on. Or they make you feel as though they’re no longer interested so that you beg, chase, bargain with, or fall into a depressing stupor just to get them to notice you. They want to know that you feel as though your life would end without them, their lousy opinions, and their toxic abuse.

Toxic people don’t apologize. They seek to isolate you from healthy, balanced information and relationships, and especially from those who may see how they really are or criticize them. If you don’t behave or do what they want, a toxic person may lash out or create a scene to humiliate or embarrass you so that you make a “better” decision in the future. They badmouth their victims to anyone who will listen so that others second-guess anything you might say about them. They want to be unpredictable and respond in surprising ways to the same situations just to “keep you on your toes.” They will unfairly judge, test, and toy with those around them. Chaos is the name of their game, and the winner gets all the power and control. They need to be the winner. Author and therapist Shannon Thomas: 

“Toxic people have the ability to affect all areas of our lives, and we are often blind to this. We make excuses for them. We believe and internalize the lies they feed us. And, in turn, that affects how we view ourselves and our worth. Toxic people receive pleasure from taking joy away from the things we once loved, such as work, friendships, hobbies, and even our love for ourselves.”

Just think of a cloud of manipulative depression in walking, human form and you can easily spot one of these ruthless, toxic people. 

Last year, I made a promise to myself that, for the rest of my life and no matter what, I would never again directly or indirectly enable a toxic person’s bad behavior. I don’t care who they are, what they look like, or how much money they can access– it will never happen again. While doing some research into child abuse, I developed a list of what I call the “Four Toxic Traits” that I use to notice and strategically work around the confusing ways of toxic people. 

Though I don’t offer any suggestions here for how one should deal with these personalities, I do believe that it’s important to impart knowledge upon others. We all need help to understand the effects of toxic individuals on their lives. Sometimes, no matter how hard you try, you just cannot get through to a toxic person. And if you stick around too long, a toxic person can literally make you sick, or kill you. Our bodies are only meant to withstand small doses of stress, and even that causes headaches, upset stomach, high blood pressure, chest pain, and sleeping issues. Long term, constant stress can lead to chronic fatigue and inflammation, a compromised immune system, and even organ failure.

By the time you encounter them, their unhealed wounds of the past have fully taken hold, and no combination of conversation, crying, pleading, or even leaving will change a toxic person. The only one who can change them is them. With regard to children, I believe that toxic people are the most likely to abuse little ones, whether they brought them into the world or not. It’s also likely that the toxic people in your life became that way during their own stressful childhood or after an extremely traumatic experience. No matter when they were scarred or how the scars got there, the four traits I describe below seem to allow toxic people to justify their own bad behavior. They feel as though they are above reproach, which keeps them from reflecting and from making better decisions in the future. In my experience, toxic people exhibit one or more of these traits. Below, I connect the four traits of toxic people to risk factors that are red flags for abuse.

The Four Toxic Traits

ONE. Bored

A bored individual likely feels incomplete or lacks personal direction and drive in life. Their sense of self is fractured (they may not know who they are, which includes their own passions and preferences) and they often live life just to go through the motions– work, kids, home, sex, repeat. They do things not because they want to but because society makes them feel as if they should, but they do not enjoy these tasks. They may create or instigate dramatic situations that do not benefit them in any way, just for their own entertainment. They are also unconcerned with how that drama affects anyone else.

People who are bored and exhibit toxic behaviors as part of boredom are likely characterized by:

• Drug or alcohol addiction or dependency (way beyond recreational or occasional use).
• Poor physical health (inactivity, poor eating habits, etc.) or mental health, including depression, anxiety, or PTSD.
• Poor parent-child relationships (their children do not “entertain” or “please” them, and they may have “bored” their own parents).

TWO. Insecure

Asking for help can be challenging, especially if doing so in the past has led to emotional injury or physical harm. An insecure person may feel as though they should have all the answers and be able to juggle everything in life on their own, so they may use bravado to conceal what they don’t know rather than accepting it and learning something new. They may feel as though their lives are one step away from falling apart and that everyone else can clearly see it. Their goal is to hide the fact that they are unsure of themselves from others. They may over-explain, offer odd or unrelated information meant to confuse or distract others, isolate loved ones from other people for fear of “losing” them, or hide significant details about their lives.

Insecure people likely deal with the following:

• Mental health issues, including low self-confidence, feelings of incompetence, or shame.
• Lack an understanding of basic childhood development; they expect children to complete tasks before they’re developmentally ready or without adequate training and guidance.
• Lack parenting skills to help cope with the realities of raising a child.

THREE. Frustrated

A frustrated individual may feel as though nothing ever goes their way, whether or not they work hard to reach their goals. They may act entitled or feel they deserve certain things or opportunities despite whether or not they’ve put in the effort it takes to get or maintain them. They just can’t understand why they are in their current situation, and they struggle to find anything positive about their lives (even if there’s plenty). They may compare only their struggles to other people’s entire lives and fail to see why they have not accomplished as much as another person. Their frustration keeps them from actually understanding the circumstances other people face– and their own. Instead, they make quick judgements that others do not deserve the opportunities they have or the lives they lead. These “privileged” people may even be the reason why a frustrated person just can’t succeed, even if, for example, they work in entirely different industries. Frustrated people may make specific individuals or institutions out to be the target or “cause” of their issues. They fail to realize the ways in which they can improve their own lives.

A frustrated person likely deals with:

• Socioeconomic stress from financial issues and unemployment (especially due to generational poverty), or medical problems.
• Lack of support from family members, friends, neighbors, or their community.
• Caring for a child with intellectual or physical disabilities, which can be challenging.

FOUR. Hurt

Hurt individuals live while carrying the unhealed wounds of their past with them every single day. The most common example of a hurt person is the big bully who bothers everyone in certain realms of their life, but also gets bullied each day when they return home. They’ve likely worked very hard at something in the past– love, attention, achievements in school or at work– and another broken or distracted person slighted, overlooked, or injured them in some way. Hurt people have likely been actual victims in the past, and they promised to never be victimized again. Instead of navigating around toxic individuals, they become the aggressor. They prefer to avoid feeling any pain, even if it makes their lives more difficult in the long run. These people are the most likely to devolve into a tumultuous or violent rage without warning (triggered) or whenever they face challenges for which they feel unequipped or unable to overcome.

A hurt individual may have faced some of the most difficult life circumstances and chose to be “strong” by refusing to admit the impact of these experiences on their lives. These circumstances include: 

• Extreme poverty.
• History of child abuse or neglect during their own childhood.
• Experiences with sexual assault and trauma, especially within their family or trusted community, and especially if they informed someone who did not believe them. 
• Family stress or crisis caused by domestic violence, relationship turmoil, separation, or divorce.
• War, strife, brutality, forced migration, or some other hardship linked to geopolitical issues. 

El Fin

Because a toxic person may have been abused in the past themselves or have valid reasons for why they’re hurt, frustrated, insecure, or bored, that does not mean you should suffer through their pain with them. Misery does seem to love company, but we have better things to do. Challenges in someone’s past do not condone a person’s bad behavior or abuse in the present. While it can be easy to make excuses for a toxic person when you know details about their background, it is important to protect yourself, to maintain very strict boundaries, and to completely walk away from an individual who could ruin some of the best parts of who you are. You have your own life to live and challenges to face, and toxic people aren’t alleviating any of those for you. If anything, they pile on even more. Don't appease or stick by toxic folks who refuse to change. Love them from afar if you must, and make it known to them and anyone else that your identity is complete and your boundaries are set in stone. Make it known that no one will ever convince you to change who you are just for their twisted benefit. 

Beware, toxic people: We see you. And even if we empathize with your past, we won't take your bait anymore.