From Reaction to Connection: My Wake-Up Call

It was a regular Tuesday morning, and I was already on my third cup of coffee when I received an unexpected message from a colleague: “Can we talk? I felt dismissed during the meeting yesterday.”

My first instinct? Defend myself. “That wasn’t my intent.” “You’re overthinking it.” “I was just being direct.”

But something made me pause.

Not long ago, I would’ve reacted with irritation—after all, I didn’t mean any harm. But this time, I closed my laptop, took a breath, and really thought about it. Maybe it wasn’t about what I intended. Maybe it was about how I made them feel.

Reactions Are Relationship Moments

I started thinking back—how many times had I let my knee-jerk reactions affect the people I care about? A snappy comment with my partner. A defensive email at work. An eye roll in a tense conversation.

The truth hit me hard: it’s not what happens, it’s how we respond that builds or breaks trust. And I’d been responding on autopilot.

We’re Not Bad People, Just Reactive

It’s not that I (or you) lack emotional intelligence. It’s that we’re human. We react out of habit, ego, fear, or fatigue. We:

• Feel misunderstood and snap.

• Feel stressed and shut down.

• Feel threatened and fight back.

But none of those reactions serve the relationship. They serve the moment. And then? We’re left cleaning up what our words—or silence—did to someone else.

A New Habit: Pause, Reflect, Choose

I’ve been learning to follow a different process now. I call it my 3-second rule:

1. Pause – Instead of reacting instantly, I take a moment.

2. Reflect – I ask myself, “What’s the outcome I really want here?”

3. Choose – I try to respond in a way that reflects who I want to be, not just how I feel.

Sounds simple, right? It’s not. But it’s powerful.

That conversation with my colleague? I didn’t defend. I listened. I apologized for how they felt. I explained my intent without invalidating theirs. And we left the conversation with more trust than we had before.

What People Remember

Here’s what I’ve come to believe: People won’t always remember what you said. But they will never forget how you made them feel.

And your reaction—especially in difficult moments—is often what leaves the deepest impression.

So Ask Yourself...

The next time you're triggered, tense, or tempted to speak without thinking, try asking:

• Do I want to be right, or do I want to stay connected?

• Do I want to win this moment, or strengthen the relationship?

Because in the end, it’s not the words, the titles, or even the actions that build lasting trust. It’s how we make people feel safe when it’s hardest to do so.

And that starts with our reactions.