Grief and Leadership: Navigating Success While Surviving Loss

As we go through our 40s and 50s – the so-called middle age – many of us find ourselves at the peak of our careers. We've worked hard to reach this point, building our expertise and leadership capabilities. Yet, at the same time, we are also faced with the reality that loss becomes more prevalent in our lives. For some, it’s the death of a parent or sibling. For others, it’s the sudden or gradual onset of serious health issues that force us to redefine our identity. In some cases, it’s the ending of a marriage or the ending of a close friendship that no longer serves you. All types of grief, though different, can have equally profound effects on our ability to show up in the workplace.

I know this reality all too well. At 35, I lost my father just as I was starting my own company. I had no choice but to immerse myself in work, avoiding the emotional toll of that loss. But even as I continued to push forward, I didn’t realize the impact it had on my ability to process grief, let alone how it affected my leadership style. When I look back, I now realize how impatient I often was.

A decade later, at 45, I faced another devastating loss — the death of my older brother during the COVID pandemic. This loss was tragic in every way possible. I had to bury him without my mother and sister because they were also sick with COVID. I took time off, but the emotional and psychological toll lingered for months. Looking back now, I know that it affected my ability to be patient, to be present, and to lead with empathy during that time. The toll was not only emotional but also biological, affecting my energy and focus. I was always exhausted.

Yet, throughout each loss, the expectations remained: I was expected to continue performing, managing, and delivering, as if nothing had changed. The reality is that even though I took a few weeks off to grieve, the support I received from my employer and others dissipated, and I was left to navigate the aftermath of loss largely on my own. If I am honest, at the time, I was not aware of the incredible toll it had on me.

Grief in Different Forms: A Broader Understanding of Loss

While the loss of a loved one is the most common form of grief, it is important to acknowledge that grief also manifests in other ways. When I was 42, I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. Though it was caught early and I am in full remission now, to have to spend 5 years doing constant follow ups with a fear of a recurrence, forced me to face the limitations of my body, along with a deep understanding of my own mortality.

At 47, I also had to undergo major back surgery, which left me with nerve damage and the inability to feel certain parts of my leg and foot. I’m still recovering from the surgery, and while I’ve had to accept the limitations this has placed on my body— the loss of physical ability, the need to redefine what strength means, and the challenge of adjusting to a new reality – it meant that I also had to process another form of grief.

None of these health issues involved the loss of a loved one, but rather, they represented a loss of a part of myself — the identity I had built around health and vitality. I had to accept a new image of myself in relation to my body.

I think the most difficult part of all of this was navigating so much grief during the peak years of my career. While the loss of a loved one is what is most often connected to grief, I have learned that grief also shows up with the slow, steady process of redefining who you are as you navigate life altering health challenges. To go through all of this, while having to show up for your team, deliver at excellence and continue to achieve at the rate expected of you, takes a toll – a toll that is often paid in solitude.  

The Biochemical and Psychological Impact of Grief

It is important to fully recognize that grief is not just an emotional experience; it is also biological and psychological. When we lose someone close to us or face a health crisis or any loss for the matter, our bodies and minds go into survival mode. Biologically, this manifests in increased cortisol levels — the body’s stress hormone. It can lead to exhaustion, disrupted sleep, and a weakened immune system. From a psychological perspective, grief can cause significant emotional numbness, irritability, and difficulty in maintaining focus.

Post the loss of my brother, I noticed the impact of grief on my ability to concentrate. Decision-making, once a strength of mine, became clouded with doubt and hesitation. Simple tasks felt more difficult. The grief wasn’t just in my heart — it was in my body, making everything feel heavy. And even as I continued to manage my team, I often found myself withdrawing from social interactions, unable to muster the energy for the small talk or the patience required to manage the day-to-day demands of leadership.

Leadership During Grief: A Struggle for Balance

As a manager, you’re expected to be a source of strength, decisiveness, and empathy. But when you’re grieving – these qualities can be hard to maintain. Grief clouds judgment, and it’s difficult to offer the same level of engagement and energy that you once did. Those in senior positions, may feel they have to compartmentalize their grief, masking it to fulfill their roles, but this often leads to burnout and emotional exhaustion.

In my experience, grief created a silent barrier between who I was and the person I was expected to be in the workplace. I wanted to be there for my team, but my own emotional and physical struggles often made that incredibly taxing, leading to burnout. The weight of grief affects everything, from decision-making to interpersonal dynamics, and it can be isolating when there’s little acknowledgment or understanding of what you’re going through.

A Final Thought: The Hidden Price of Success

Success at any stage, often comes at a cost. We push ourselves, striving to achieve, to show up, and do more. But what happens when life hits us with loss, with a life changing health diagnosis, or with a challenge that we didn’t see coming? The expectation to continue performing, to keep showing up, doesn’t pause. Neither does the grief.

In my own journey, I've faced the loss of loved ones and life-altering health issues that forced me to redefine who I am multiple times over – almost all in my 40s. Each experience has reminded me that grief isn’t just about mourning — it’s about transformation. It’s about navigating a new reality and learning to understand who you now are within that new reality. Loss is not necessarily something we get over or move on from. It is something we need to integrate into our very being. It is often a sadness that will continue to exist with us, even as we find our way back to joy again.

Yet, the workplace often doesn’t accommodate this transformation. There's little room for the person who is grieving, who is healing, or who is redefining their very identity, to take the necessary time required to in fact health and evolve. The systems remain silent, and the expectations don’t change.

But we can — and we must — change that. We can create spaces where people are allowed to grieve, to heal, to evolve. Where empathy and compassion become more than just a buzzword, but rather a practice. Where success is measured not by how much we produce, but by the well-being and strength of those doing the work and the extent to which we evolve as humans.

While the workplace may not always offer the kind of grace required as we navigate the complexities of middle age success, juxtaposed by middle age loss, it is important that we grant ourselves that grace – give ourselves permission to pause when we need to and when ready, take the next step forward, and then the next.

To those who have been through a life altering form of loss, while also advancing in your career: it’s okay to not be okay. It’s okay to need time, to pause, to seek support, to redefine what success looks like for you and to redefine who you are. You are not alone. There are many of us out there going through the same process. We just need to talk about it more.

And to organizations: it’s time to listen. It’s time to adapt. It’s time to provide the space for people to navigate grief, to heal, and to emerge stronger. When we allow people to process their pain, we allow them to contribute even more meaningfully — not just to their work, but to the world around them.