A Head and A Heart for Relationships

No doubt, there are trade-offs in life but when it comes to certain relationships like work or business, would you trade your heart for your head?

First, the Head - Why Knowledge Matters

Relationships, like anything worth mastering, take understanding. Knowing someone’s personality, their experiences, their quirks... helps us relate better. This understanding doesn't come naturally. It has to be learnt. If you've read books like Why You Act the Way You Do and How to Win Friends and Influence People you can appreciate the difference getting general relationship wisdom through books makes.

Sometimes, a little insight or fresh perspective is all we need to navigate a tricky relationship.

A significant part of this learning is self-awareness. If we fail to understand who we are, our emotional triggers, blind spots and life lens, we have no basis for understanding or empathising with others.

Understanding others is a journey that begins with knowing you.

I realised that my understanding of others grew with my self-awareness. Because in the final analysis, we are all alike in several ways.

The Heart and what Love has got to do with It

Love is a toolkit. It is certainly not just an emotion. Love translated as kindness, consideration, patience, duty of care, support... does the heavy lifting in subtle ways. In my career, I have been blessed with Managers who listen and hear especially what's unsaid but pressing. You can't imagine how this energises me to go the extra mile in delivering my assignments.

“Love is an everyday toolkit for building trust, resilience, and connection.”

Love can go a long way in shaping and influencing our relationships by driving action, commitment, trust and loyalty. It provides the ambience for openness, vulnerability, authenticity and productivity as efforts are channelled appropriately. With love, it's easy to breeze-through tedious tasks.

On the flip side, relationships that lack similar considerations can throw a spanner in the works of our progress. Like me, have you ever found yourself sweating at certain tasks because there was no love lost between you and those you were working with?

Love builds bonds and strengthens relationships in ways that brings out the best in us. It's the reason we feel seen, listened to, heard and valued.

Nurturing relationships with Head and Heart

No doubt, when you need salt, sugar won't do. You can't be overflowing with care, but lack the structure to support it. Neither extreme works. You need both head and heart to build and enjoy meaningful relationships.

The head knows the facts. The heart hears the story. Like a mathematical equation, the head is always trying to even things out. Whereas the heart says there are more variables to be considered in any equation.

That's where empathy and emotional intelligence comes into the equation. Allowing us to step out from ourselves and take a stroll down the path of others, wearing their shoes. So, while we are aware of the facts based on knowledge, we can respond in kind consideration. In the end, the focus is not about balancing the equation but achieving meaningful results.

The head says who cares? The heart says because I care.

The head defaults to appraising others based on their outward appearance, vocal strength or performance. The heart knows there's certainly more to everyone than what meets the eyes.

The head hears only what's said. The heart decodes what's unsaid.

The head is the common sense. The heart is the uncommon sense.

The point is, what you need knowledge for can't be replaced with good intentions or unfounded assumptions. Yet, no amount of knowledge can make up for lack of empathy, emotional wisdom or numbness in picking up signals.

In a nutshell, it's the practical case of "people don't care how much you know, until they know how much you care". But my friend, you've got to know something nonetheless :).

My charge to you going forward is to use both head and heart in tending your relationships like a garden. 

Water your relationships with the right mindset (and headset), attitude, words and actions.

Don't take anyone for granted or fall prey to familiarity. Get knowledge and make effort to understand yourself and others.

Every relationship will go through different seasons. Understand what's applicable for each phase.

Beware of unintentional consequences of your words or actions that like weed can take over your relationships. Weed them out. Say sorry. Acknowledge your mistakes. Cause correct your wrong. Own your outcomes.

Make each contact refreshing; sometimes you sow, other times you water, weed or prune. Be present and sensitive to know which to do per time.

Looking back, I've had relationships that have remained refreshing over the years. With every contact, however infrequent, they add to me. They reset my focus, remind me of who I am, validate my aspirations, build my faith, strengthen my trust in God, fine tune my understanding, challenge my bias, question my assumptions, snap me out of foolishness or borrow me timely sense. I'm learning to ensure I am doing same. Else the relationship will be left to chance and would naturally wither away with time.

Wishing you a rewarding and refreshing life!

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