Hi, I’m not what I think I was.

This article is going to be different and very personal. I have asked around if I should post this or not, out of fear of what people would think. But I wouldn’t stay true to myself if I didn’t. I want to get my story out, because I believe my story - or parts of it - will be someone else's story too.

It’s been roughly two years since I wrote my first LinkedIn article (Hi, I'm not what you think I am.) where I preached about putting more people with technical skills in leadership positions and providing technical leadership paths for them to further grow. Most of the content was based on personal experience combined with some insights of books I’ve read.

But since that article I have been really silent because my world got turned upside down. I lost my job because I had an opinion which fiercely fed the depression I had been battling for a long time. And just as things couldn’t get any worse we were greeted with a pandemic.

After taking some months off, applying for career guidance and looking around for some opportunities I landed a new position that allowed me to combine my technical skills with hiring and business development. After 1 month I was put on economic leave and 1 month later I was unemployed again.

Driven by the frustration and disappointment I started looking for something new again and decided I would focus on a pure development job to get the most out of my available energy. After some weeks it became clear I made the right decision. The team I landed in was wonderful, the challenge was great and coding all day long felt like coming home. But something was lingering and my depression was ever so present.

Sitting in the chair at the next follow-up with my doctor I completely collapsed. Normally after years and countless hours of therapy and conversations, a person should be able to rationalize the reasons for depression. But I was struggling hard with that and that’s when the suggestion came to do a full screening on ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder).

I couldn’t believe my ears and felt a lot of emotions at the same time. Anger, sadness, disappointment because this was suggested to me. Relieve, hope, calmt because maybe this would be the thing that could help me. What is ASD you say? It’s a combination of characteristics as described in DSM-5, which stands for Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth edition released in 2013. When a combination of characteristics is met, a diagnosis is made.

So a journey started with lots of questionnaires for myself and the people around me, interviews, tests, …

This sequence of events led me to not wanting to be here anymore. My depression was hitting extremely hard and I was willing to give up. I was emotionally exhausted and was unable to do the most basic task without feeling like I’d just run a marathon. I couldn’t lift my kids, barely made it up the stairs and disappointed everyone around me, because they and I couldn’t understand what was happening.

The WHO created a very good explanatory video about depression in 2012.

At its worst, depression can be a frightening, debilitating condition. Millions of people around the world live with depression. Many of these individuals and their families are afraid to talk about their struggles, and don't know where to turn for help. However, depression is largely preventable and treatable. Recognizing depression and seeking help is the first and most critical towards recovery. 

At the beginning of this year I ended up with 3 months of sick leave and went away on my own for 10 days because everything was just too much. Those 10 days were by far the worst of my life. Being solitary is hard and it gives room for all kinds of thoughts to race through your head and then I haven’t mentioned the fact that a few hours before leaving on these 10 days I received the results of the ASD screening which had - surprise - a positive outcome. My type of ASD is the invisible one which is barely noticeable for the people around me, but delivers a lot of load to the brain which results in psychological suffering. Yeah, that one was a very tough pill to swallow, but would later on be a very welcome surprise.

Relapse

During these 3 months I mainly focused on rest, getting my head straight and being able to function again. But time had another relapse up his sleeve and that’s when I had enough, something clicked and I promised myself to do whatever it takes to deal with this and try to bend all negative things into positive ones.

• I came to peace with my diagnosis and accepted the situation.
• I informed myself about what ASD is and how it influences my life and partly controls my depression. I read online articles, ordered some books and tried to pinpoint what affected my behaviour throughout the day and how I can counteract it. Currently I’m eagerly waiting for the book ‘Aut of the box’ by Magali De Reu.

• I set myself a challenge to do a 30 minute bike ride during the course of 30 days. Some numbers: 403,37 km with an average speed of 25,4 km/h. Those 30 days were hard, but it had a major impact on both my mental health and physical strength. You should try it!

• I started to open up to the people around me about my story and started noticing a lot of sympathy from their end. Multiple friends asked: what can we do to make you feel at ease? That one hit right in the feels. So hat tip: sincere listening and asking what you can do works wonders!
• I started talking openly about ASD, mental health and the struggles on Twitter, because this is really a topic that deserves a lot more attention. Whenever you want to judge someone, always remember that you don’t know their full story.
• I accepted the fact that every single day can potentially start horrible and can only get better. To keep track of my days and detect changes or patterns I use the app Daylio. It's a free to use application which stores all the data on your device (with the ability to sync or export).
• I finally found the energy to start a pet project again called Speelpleingids Deinze. My pet project even made the local news.

Superpowers

So yeah, I’m not what I think I was. Clearly I’m someone with super powers!

Because ASD provides me the following aspects:

• I’m organized,
• I’m accurate,
• I’m precise and detail orientated,
• I think and learn in a visual way,
• I’m exceptionally honest and reliable,
• I have an excellent sense of direction,
• I have a strong adherence to rules, schedules and routines,
• I’m able to concentrate for long periods of time when motivated,
• I have a drive for perfection and order,
• I have a capability for alternate problem solving,
• and a rare freshness and sense of wonderment.

This is my story and I’m sure my story - or parts of it - will be someone else's story too. For all the others, take care of your fellow humans. You never know what lies beneath the surface. And for all you employers out there: take care of your employees and embrace everyone for who they are. They could be the real game changers who spice up your organisation.

If you’d have any questions after reading this, feel free to drop me a line.

Resources

Books in image:

• Maar je ziet er helemaal niet autistisch uit by Bianca Toeps
• Autismespectrumstoornissen bij volwassenen by Annelies Spek

Book I’m waiting for: ‘Aut of the box’ by Magali De Reu.

Vlaamse Vereniging Autisme

Daylio: Self-Care Bullet Journal with Goals, Mood Diary & Happiness Tracker