How to Ask for Feedback Without Feeling Defensive

Let’s face it: Asking for feedback is tough. It’s like inviting someone to critique your work, decisions, or leadership style—basically opening the door for vulnerability. And even when you know feedback is good for you, it’s hard not to feel that little sting of defensiveness when someone points out what could be better.

However, feedback is the fastest path to growth. The entrepreneurs and executives who excel don’t just tolerate feedback—they actively seek it. They’ve learned how to hear it, use it, and not take it personally.

So how do you ask for feedback and keep defensiveness at bay? Let’s break it down step by step.

Step 1: Start With the Right Mindset

Before you even ask for feedback, get your head in the right place. Remind yourself of this simple truth: Feedback is not about you—it’s about the work.

Defensiveness happens when we see feedback as a judgment of who we are instead of a tool to improve what we do.

Try this reframe:

• Instead of: “They’re going to tell me I’m not good enough.”
• Think: “They’re helping me get better—faster.”

Your mindset sets the tone. When you see feedback as a gift, you’re less likely to react defensively.

Step 2: Be Specific About What You Want Feedback On

Ambiguous requests like, “What do you think?” can leave room for vague or overly critical feedback. Instead, direct the conversation by asking for feedback on a specific area. This focuses the person’s response and gives you actionable insights.

Try asking:

• “What’s one thing I could improve about my presentation to make it clearer?”
• “How did the team respond to my leadership on this project? Is there something I could do differently?”
• “Was there any part of my pitch that didn’t land as strongly as it could have?”

Pro Tip: When you get specific, you signal that you’re open to growth and looking for actionable suggestions—not random critiques.

Step 3: Listen to Understand, Not Respond

When you hear feedback, your brain might immediately jump to defensiveness or explanations. Instead, practice active listening:

1. Pause: Let the feedback land before you react.
2. Clarify: If something isn’t clear, ask for specifics. Example: “Can you share an example of what you mean?”
3. Summarize: Repeat back what you heard to confirm understanding. Example: “So you’re saying my communication could be more direct in meetings?”

Mindset Shift: Feedback isn’t a debate. You don’t have to justify your actions—you just have to listen, reflect, and decide what to do with it.

Step 4: Use the “Feedforward” Technique

If hearing past mistakes triggers defensiveness, shift the conversation to the future. Instead of focusing on what went wrong, ask for suggestions on how to improve moving forward.

For example:

• Instead of: “What did I do wrong on this project?”
• Ask: “What could I do differently next time to make this project even better?”

This technique, called “feedforward,” keeps the conversation positive and solutions-focused. You’re not reliving mistakes—you’re building a better game plan for next time.

Step 5: Thank Them and Reflect Later

Feedback isn’t always easy to hear, even when it’s helpful. Instead of responding defensively in the moment, close the conversation on a positive note.

Say:

• “Thank you—I really appreciate your insights.”
• “This gives me a lot to think about, and I’m looking forward to using it to improve.”

Then, take time later to reflect:

• What part of the feedback resonates most?
• What’s one small, actionable step I can take to improve?

Pro Tip: If the feedback feels unfair or off-base, sit with it for 24 hours before dismissing it. Sometimes the most uncomfortable feedback holds the biggest opportunities for growth.

Why This Works

When you ask for feedback with the right mindset and strategy, two powerful things happen:

1. You disarm defensiveness: Specific requests and active listening keep emotions in check.
2. You create a culture of growth: People will see you as coachable and committed to improving—and they’ll be more likely to offer honest, helpful feedback in the future.

Remember, feedback isn’t an attack. It’s a shortcut to the next level of your success.

Your Action Step for Today

Think of one area where you’d like feedback—something that matters to you professionally.

1. Choose a trusted colleague, mentor, or team member.
2. Ask for feedback using a specific question: “What’s one thing I could improve to make my next presentation more engaging?” “How can I better support the team in our next sprint?”

Then, listen, reflect, and thank them for their insight. You don’t have to act on everything—but by seeking feedback, you’ve already won.

What’s Next?

Getting better starts with asking better questions. What’s one area where you’re ready to seek feedback? Drop it in the comments—I’d love to hear how you’re opening the door to growth!

This post was originally posted on ozmerchant.com on December 16, 2024. View here.