"I Don’t Understand What He Sees in Her": Unpacking the Layers of Judgment in Relationships

We’ve all heard it—perhaps muttered over coffee, or in the dark corner of a bar where beer is flowing freely - whispered in frustration, or even boldly declared: “I don’t understand what he sees in her. She must have money or be good in bed.”

While it’s a statement that may feel offhand or tongue-in-cheek, it inadvertently reveals something  about the speaker, more than about the couple being gossiped about.  And your response?  As the recipient of this messaging, your response will disclose much about you too.   It may be that you also don’t like the ‘her’ in this story, and so it’s easy to descend into deepening gossip and ultimately damaging your relationship  with the friend who’s in the relationship with ‘her’.  And the person who said this to: Your response will influence how THEY see you too.  It will also shape your relationship with them.

What prompts someone to say something like this? And more importantly, how do we respond?  

Herewith my theory on what drives such comments.

Projection of Values At its core, the statement reflects the speaker's values. If wealth or physical attraction are the attributes they focus on, they may struggle to see the deeper qualities others find meaningful. This comment often projects what the speaker believes matters in relationships, rather than understanding what the person in question values.

1. Envy or Insecurity Sometimes, these remarks stem from feelings of jealousy or insecurity. The speaker may wonder why their own qualities didn’t garner the same attention or feel threatened by someone they perceive as “less deserving.”

2. Perceived Betrayal of Expectations When a friend or family member chooses a partner who doesn’t align with what others envision for them, it can feel like a personal affront. Statements like this can be an attempt to rationalize their disappointment or confusion.

3. Social Biases and Stereotypes These comments often reduce people to shallow, one-dimensional tropes—assuming that relationships are transactional or purely physical. Such assumptions reflect societal biases rather than the subtle and  often confusing reality of human connection.

I’m writing about this because of what I see as the underlying harm

This kind of statement isn’t just dismissive; it’s dehumanizing. It reduces someone’s worth to their relative wealth, physical attributes, or ability to fulfill a narrow role. It also disregards the agency and complexity of the person who made the choice—implying that their decision is somehow flawed or superficial. That they lack judgment.

My thoughts on how to respond

It’s an opportunity to influence your relationship with the speaker and to demonstrate your true character.   All sorts of possibilities come to mind.

·      You could agree that it is a poor match and share your misgivings and stories about how awful ‘she’ is.You could agree that it is a poor match and share your misgivings and stories about how awful ‘she’ is.

·      The two of you could conspire how to undermine the relationship between your friend/relative and the ‘she’, so that you could claim your friend back and be rid of her.

·       You could distance yourself from, the statement in a variety of ways.

Much will depend on your own values, your courage, your sense of self vs. perhaps your need for approval.  We’re all fallible. We’re all capable of learning from our mistakes.  Sometimes we even find food for thought in articles here on LinkedIn.  My take on this is certainly shaped by my own failure of courage at times, my witnessing the harm that gossip causes and my years of living on this planet. So this is offered humbly, not as bespoke expert on such matters.  It is shaped by my experience as a mediator, learning how to help people overcome toxicity at work and at home.  It is an ongoing journey. 

I hope you’ll join me on this path stepping back and thinking before acting or concurring for the wrong reasons.

Here are some thoughts on possible responses that you may find helpful:

Encourage Reflection

* “That’s an interesting take. What makes you say that?”

* “Have you spent much time getting to know her? There’s often more to people than we see at first glance.”

These questions gently nudge the speaker to think about their assumptions and whether they’re fair or based on deeper understanding.

1. Shift the Perspective

* “He seems really happy. Maybe there’s something about their connection we don’t see from the outside.”

This approach redirects the focus to the relationship itself, emphasizing the importance of respecting personal choices.

1. Set Boundaries When Necessary

* “I’m not comfortable making assumptions about someone’s relationship like that.”

If the comment crosses into disrespect, it’s okay to assert your values and draw a line.

1. Promote Empathy

* “Imagine how she might feel if she overheard a comment like that. We all want to be understood for who we are, not reduced to stereotypes.”

Encouraging empathy can help reframe the discussion and foster a more compassionate approach.

The Broader Lesson

Statements like “I don’t understand what he sees in her” reveal more about the speaker than about the couple they’re judging.  Such statements  underscore how easily we fall into the trap of viewing relationships through our own limited lenses.

We know love and connection are deeply personal, often thriving on qualities invisible to outsiders. So how can we possibly fully know, and is it any of our business, what the true connection is in such a pairing?

 Once we know to step back and reflect before responding, we are presented with an opportunity to challenge our own biases as much as those of others. How often do we, too, make snap judgments about people or relationships that don’t align with our expectations or values?

 The beauty of human connection lies in its unpredictability and complexity. And while we may not always understand what someone sees in their partner, it’s worth remembering that love isn’t about meeting someone else’s criteria. It’s about meeting the criteria that matter to the people involved.

 So enough from me!  What are your thoughts on navigating judgments in relationships? Let’s discuss this in the comments.