“I Don’t Want to Be a Burden” - The Greatest Fear of Aging

We asked women in their midlife why health was important to them as part of our research on Women and Healthy Aging. The phrase that came up in every interview was:

“I don’t want to be a burden.”

Spoken apologetically, so as to not upset the “Gods” or the “Universe”, but always with fear, shame, and stigma that they couldn’t quite hide. Beneath those few words sat deeply ingrained beliefs about what it means to need help.

For many women, the thought of depending on others, emotionally, or physically feels unbearable. Not because they fear decline itself, but because they’ve spent a lifetime giving. Holding families together. Caring for parents, children, partners, communities. Their value has often been measured by how much they can offer. So when the roles reverse, when they are the ones who might need care, the internal alarm bells ring: “Don’t be a burden.”

The Fear of Becoming a Burden: What It Really Means

This fear isn’t just about physical dependence or aging bodies. It’s something deeper, a fear of losing autonomy, of becoming “too much,” of tipping the balance from giver to taker in a society that always celebrates self-sacrifice in women. The supermom, the devoted wife, the caring daughter.

Globally over 75% of all unpaid caregiving is done by women*. When extra care is needed within families it is usually the woman who steps up, putting in extra hours giving up on leisure, wellbeing, or even their career.

But if they are providing all this caregiving why are the so afraid of needing care?

Perhaps, although on the surface the women seem happy to take on this role, deep down the burden of caring for others is weighing them down and leading them to resentment. Resenting society or culture for forcing them into this, resenting the people they have to care for, often with little to no reward. That may explain why they never want the roles reversed. They don’t want anyone to feel that resentment towards them.

The Intergenerational Mirror

What We Learn from Our Mothers and Pass on to Our Daughters

Many of the women I interviewed didn’t develop this fear in isolation. They watched it unfold in real time. They saw their own mothers give endlessly, to children, spouses, aging parents, often without acknowledgment or reward. Many didn’t want to fall into that trap so they pursued a career, something they felt would prevent the self-erasure their mothers went through. But somehow, having a career did not reduce the unpaid caregiving they were obliged to do, especially after getting married and having children. Many of their daughters now avoid the idea of getting married and would prefer to delay having children until much later in life.

Why is this Fear Gendered?

While both men and women may fear dependence, the shape of that fear is different.

Men often fear irrelevance, the loss of status or physical capacity. However, since traditionally men have been financially rewarded for their roles, they can “bank” some of that for when they are older. They will usually have higher pensions and bigger savings that would guarantee them a better life as they grow older. Women cannot “bank” caregiving, even if it takes up most of their life.

Time for a New Model

So where does this leave us?

We are living longer than ever before, a triumph of modern medicine and improved living standards. However, fertility rates are declining. Many women are choosing to have less or no children, often due to financial pressures, career goals or simply not wanting to take on the primary caregiving roles they’ve seen wear others down.

This means the dependency ratio, (the number of children and elderly relative to people aged between 15 to 64) is rising. Currently it is at 53% globally, meaning there are 2 “productive adults” for every child or elderly person**. This ratio is predicted to increase every year due to there being more old people in the population. And the care requirements for the elderly are far more complex and long-term that those of children.

Who will take on the extra care? Women are turning away from this, and men are not socialized or supported to step in.

If we do not rethink how we approach caregiving we may risk sliding into extremes. A future of AI robots tending to our elderly in sterile efficiency, of course only for those who can afford it. For everyone else, policies such as “Assisted Dying Bills”, that quietly nudge people towards ending their life when they need “too much" care to live - which is already happening in some countries.

Final Reflection

If you've ever felt the fear of becoming a burden as you age, know that you're not alone. It's a fear shared by many women that has been shaped by a system that overvalues output and undervalues care.

But it’s also something we need to change, Because someone, maybe a daughter, a colleague, or your younger self, is watching. And they are learning what it means to give, to receive, and how that changes as we age. The decisions these women make, will shape our society going forward. So if we want our communities, societies and future generations to thrive, we must create a world where women are supported, appreciated and valued for all their work.

What kind of example do you want to set? What societal changes do you need to help you set that example? How can we work together to ensure a more humane and sustainable future for all of us.

If we want a society that lasts, we have to build one that cares, for everyone.

*Source: Fair share for health and care: gender and the undervaluation of health and care work - https://www.who.int/publications/i/item/9789240082854

**Source: https://ourworldindata.org/grapher/age-dependency-ratio-projected-to-2100