Issue 38 | Bloom with Ruth Penfold

Hellooooo my fabulous friends ✨

Once my brain put this together and I saw this, I couldn’t unsee it—and I bet you’ll feel the same too.

I’m talking about the tangled web we weave as employers and leaders in the employment relationship.

It’s a cycle I see over and over again in organisations and the humans within them: the quiet, insidious dance of codependency.

Hear me out.

You might have heard people talking about codependency in the context of personal relationships, but I would suggest it’s how many employers ‘retain’ their staff and keep a workforce of compliant humans. Sometimes a whole company can operate in this energy.

So, what exactly is codependency?

Codependency is a pattern of behaviour where one person enables another’s dysfunctional behaviour, often to the detriment of their own wellbeing. In the personal relationship world, it looks like one partner constantly sacrificing their needs to fulfil the needs of the other, often feeling responsible for the other person’s happiness or success.

It’s rooted in the inability to recognise and set healthy boundaries, and the constant need for validation and approval from the other person. I understand it deeply, because I have lived experience of it.

Now, let’s bring this idea into the workplace.

In the professional setting, codependency happens when leaders give juuuuuuuust enough recognition, praise, or acknowledgment to keep you hooked, but follow it up with subtle undermining or gaslighting.

This can look like:

→ Getting just enough praise to make you feel validated, but never quite enough to feel secure.

→ Being told you’re doing well, but then receiving vague feedback or constantly being asked to do more without a clear understanding of why.

→ The toxic cycle of validation and withdrawal, where you feel like you’re chasing after approval or that next step but never quite getting it.

It’s this gaslighting game that makes you question your own value: Am I enough? Am I worthy? Is this really what I signed up for?

The abuse cycle typically follows this pattern:

1. Idealisation: The abusive partner showers the other with love, attention, and praise, making them feel special → in the workplace, think about the interview processes that get you excited that lead to the jobs that don't
2. Devaluation: They begin to subtly criticise, undermine, or gaslight, making the other feel insecure or inadequate → in the workplace, think about how performance is handled, or even just the insidious comments in meetings that hurt
3. Discard: The partner withdraws affection or withholds validation, often making the other person feel like they are no longer enough or that they’ve done something wrong → in the workplace, that can mean you work super hard, burnout, and become ready to quit
4. Reconciliation: The cycle starts over, with the abusive partner offering just enough to pull the person back in → in the workplace, that might be a false promise to pull you back in

This cycle isn't confined to romantic relationships.

Leaders may provide praise and validation just enough to keep employees hooked, but follow it with behaviour that undermines their value. Over time, employees begin to question their worth and whether they are truly valued.

This is NOT healthy leadership. Quite the opposite.

And it’s exhausting. Both for the person being manipulated and for the leader, who remains stuck in the dynamic of control and dependency. Both sides are codependent, and often, the one 'in control' is following orders that come from elsewhere.

So, how do we break free from this cycle?

We invoke our super power as humans: leadership energy.

#1 If we are the manipulator slash controller, we need to stop using power dynamics to manipulate behaviour, and instead start empowering others.

Leadership isn’t about controlling people—it’s about empowering them, being ruthlessly honest about what’s working, owning your stuff when it shows up, and offering feedback that helps people grow, not just survive.

Sometimes, growth looks like pushing back, saying no, and choosing to create a path that is in greater integrity.

#2 If we are the manipulated slash controlled, there are FOUR ways to embrace leadership energy and create healthier relational dynamics at work:

1. Lead with discernment | Stop bending over backwards for validation or waiting for someone to tell you that you’re enough. Discernment is your superpower. It’s about knowing what to say yes to—and just as importantly, knowing when to say no.
2. Set boundaries with ruthless compassion | Boundaries aren’t just about protecting yourself from others—they’re about creating space for true connection. When you stop over-giving, you make room for the people around you to take responsibility for their own actions.
3. Stop trying to fix everything | True leadership is about letting go of control and trusting your team to figure things out. Empower them to solve problems, give them the autonomy they need, and you’ll free up your energy for what really matters.
4. Stop people-pleaser listening | This when you over perform listening, but you’re not really present. You’re doing it to avoid conflict, to fit in, or to be liked. The problem? You stop hearing yourself. It creates a power dynamic where you are silencing your voice to make someone else feel bigger.

Okay, I better wrap up or I'll riff on this forever gang... but know this:

It is SO easy to fall back into old habits—over-giving, seeking approval, or trying to control everything and everyone.

But there’s a kind of leadership that is rooted in love, integrity, and a commitment to growing together.

It starts with self leadership. Owning your stuff, and your shadow side as much as the side of yourself you are most proud of.

And we are all MORE than capable of that.

Big love and have a beautiful month ✨

Ruth

Ps. Bloom for teams is how I help teams reconnect, build trust, and create stronger, more meaningful relationships. Hit reply if you want to discuss.

1. Women Who Lead, the program, is HERE!

The next cohort of Women Who Lead is officially OPEN

If you're ready to claim your leadership, step into your power, and create the career you’ve always dreamed of, then this program is for you. We start in June and I can't wait to guide you every step of the way. If you want to find out more book a call with me here.

2. Women Who Lead, the podcast, is BACK!

What's even better is that you can WATCH or LISTEN, depending on your vibe. 

Episode 2 was the phenomenal Clarissa Sowemimo-Coker—CEO, strategic leader and cultural architect—to explore what it really means to lead with strength, softness, and strategy.

In the latest episode of Women Who Lead, I sit down with the brilliant Charmain Manning—CEO, strategic operator, and calm force for change—to explore what it really means to lead with resilience, clarity, and care.

That's it gang, until next time!