Just another day at the office in Kabul

May 8th, 2019

Today, there was an explosion close to our office and ruined my mood. Again. 

It took me a while to gather some gem; motivation. Motivation is like a gem in Afghanistan. You keep looking for it for a very long time, knowing that you only have very, very little chance of getting your hands in a tiny bit of it, and suddenly, BOOM!! It takes all that hustle away from you in a blink of an eye! 

You shake. Stand up. Wander around to figure out where did it hit this time. You can see the smoke from the window of your office. Take some photos. Of course. 

You start thinking. Thinking of the people you know in that area. The first people that come to your mind are the closest ones to you. You see their faces, and you feel the lack of each one of them separately in your life. You get your phone and start calling them. The telecom's service has shitty quality; it cannot handle the rush of calls during an explosion. People are either unreachable or busy. Or gives an error. The pictures in your mind get more clear to you as well as the fear. Eventually, you get the news that they are fine. Or injured. Or even dead. You never know. But you still keep waiting for any information, even days after an explosion happens. 

However, it takes you a while to come back to your senses. Actually, the time it takes you to get back to your senses keeps reducing each time another explosion or attack happens. It is ironic how actually a heart does turn to stone. I can feel it changing shape. I am not the only one. There are tens. No, hundreds. No, thousands. Who am I kidding?! There are millions of us. Not just in Afghanistan. They are everywhere now. If the evolution continues in this track with this speed, soon it will be the Stone Age. Again! 

Maybe that is a good thing?! I don't know! 

So, you sit in your chair. Scroll down to Facebook feed. Then you go and take a look at Twitter. You keep reading the news and see the photos of the incident everyone posting from different angles. You keep digging to find pictures that show more details.

You keep trying to see the victims' faces, zooming in and out, and pan around each photo. But the images taken from the newly-built high-rise buildings around Shahr-e-Naw give better views. It is so fascinating when you see these photos, and out of nowhere, it reminds you of a time when you couldn't even imagine witnessing these views of Kabul from such heights. Photos taken from inside the apartments of those buildings. We could only see relatively modern apartments in Indian, Bollywood movies and English movies, Hollywood. It feels so strange when I say "Bollywood" and "Hollywood." No idea why! Let's forget that. So, you wander around in your thoughts when you were a kid in Ghazni, during the Taliban's time. A Talib cut my hair in front of my friends. I wasn't afraid, so I didn't run. I was young and careless, so he took out his pocket scissors and trimmed my hair. It was an experience. A lot more bitter and worse than that experience had happened during the Taliban's time.

Here, you almost forget about the blast and look around and find yourself back in "today."

Now you are just sitting and listening to music. Forcing your sorrows down and start thinking about tomorrow.

Nowadays, you cannot take the risk of letting your sorrows overcome your feelings. Because there are many things you must do, and you cannot take the risk of jeopardizing your "tomorrow." Life in Afghanistan has become so fragile that, no matter what, nothing guarantees your tomorrow. You must fight for every moment of the "today" you have to secure your "tomorrow."

This is a personal war going on inside every one of those millions of hearts!

This is the war that no one is willing to lose. So, what do we do!? We fight!

We fight and keep fighting.

Soon, we will turn to stone!

Then we will turn to dust.

That horribly feels so realistic. We witness what the world is turning to every day.

Well. Here I am, standing in front of the bookshelf.

I take a deep breath. Looking at the books, and thinking.

Thinking which book should I read now. Hmm!

I don't know. Damn!

I'm just gonna watch a comedy show to change my mind.

Problem solved.

Life is good!