Leadership Grows When Your Ego 'Shell' Shrinks

I’m sure, like me, somewhere in your leadership journey, you’ve experienced a leader who seemed wrapped up in validating their own sense of self-worth rather than creating the conditions for you to realize your value?

Maybe they would:

• Correct you in meetings

• Insist on being the smartest voice in the room

• React defensively to questions

• Ask for feedback and then negate it

If you’ve ever experienced that, you’ll remember the feeling well.

But do you ever catch yourself replicating that behaviour? Creating the same feelings in others as you experienced yourself?

Instead of coming across as a grounded, secure leader, you show up as fragile and insecure.

It’s a contradiction at the heart of leadership. You want to prove your worth, when helping others realize theirs is the real goal.

The Brittle Ego Shell

Ego is like a brittle shell that breaks when challenged. It’s a shell that confines the leader’s growth.

Maybe the shell prevents you from admitting you don’t know. Or spurs you to cling to being the expert.

Perhaps the shell has become more brittle the higher you climb. And now you’re consulting fewer diverse voices and creating an echo chamber within the confines of that fragile shell.

Emotionally intelligent leadership – the type of leadership that welcomes contrasting perspectives, displays vulnerability, and voices known limitations – signals a readiness to grow and support the growth of others.

But ego silences this.

The Cost of a Swollen Ego

Ego communicates, ‘I already know.’

Emotionally intelligent leadership says, ‘Help me understand.’

You’ve probably experienced the cost of a swollen ego:

• No one thinks it’s worth the effort to speak up – or worse, no one feels brave enough to voice their thoughts

• No one feels comfortable disagreeing with the leader’s thoughts, or thought process

• No one feels there is space to learn and evolve – they feel stuck in stagnating waters

But it doesn’t have to be that way. You can change.

What Happens When Ego Shrinks?

The need to shrink your ego can be a tough lesson to learn. Hopefully, it’s a lesson learnt and applied without the need to suffer a major humiliation or failure.

Maybe a colleague walks them through the costs of their ego-driven leadership, or reality dawns when team members leave in droves, or a leader they respect provides a picture of the unvarnished reality.

And they start modelling ego-free leadership, where:

• They invite other voices without sharing their own

• Seek guidance from others rather than claiming to know it all

• Acknowledge uncertainties rather than declaring all is fine.

What Signals An Ego in the Ascendant?

If you’re unsure whether your ego is growing to an unhealthy size, notice if you:

• Feel anxious when others challenge your view.

• Interrupt people to make your point.

• Feel threatened by others’ expertise.

If you’re keen to grow your EQ, you can:

• Practice saying: I’d welcome your thoughts here as I’m not sure

• Invite people to share a different view in team meetings

• Reflect on feedback with curiosity an an open mind – not defensiveness and judgment

• Ask yourself: Is this about being right – or doing the right thing?

Of course, in showing your vulnerability, you need to exercise EQ and know that this is in fact a safe space to do that.

The most powerful leaders aren’t the ones with the biggest egos, they’re the ones who have learned to outgrow them.

Andrea Stone is an Executive and Team Coach and Global Leadership Educator, working with leaders and leadership teams to improve self-awareness, self-management and self-leadership – with the purpose of creating environments where people can more fully realize their potential and achieve greater success.

© Andrea Stone, Stone Leadership