Leaving "Home"

At the age of 39, I realized that I was still a child emotionally and trapped in a cycle that tied me to my home and parents. My upbringing affected my emotional development, leaving me emotionally at the age of 4 or 5 years old; even though my biological age is that of a mature adult. 

To get a clearer picture, I matured to be a successful business owner, a leader, and a mentor, travelled around the world, married and divorced, yet emotionally, I was a child who hadn't left home psychologically. Approaching my 40s I was still regarding home; where my parents live and where I grew up, as the source of my security.

Handicapping Love

Our parents - who are mostly oblivious to what I am about to say and operating from a very loving heart - unwittingly handicap our personalities by deprivation of physical touch, conditional love, and the constant pressure of high expectations, achievements, and being perfect. When that happens we don't develop normally because our prime need; to feel safe and secure is at stake. 

I will not be seen, loved, respected, accepted, etc.. unless I behave and eventually become what my parents regard as good, right, and loved!

Since as children we regard our parents as gods and our security is defined by them, instead of exploring the world safely, we retreat to whatever our childhood mind defined as safe and secure; our parents, and eventually other figures of authority, views of the world.

Re-mothering Process

To develop emotionally, I have been through what is called a “re-mothering process”;  meaning taking on the role of the parent for myself to mother myself to mature emotionally and eventually reach what Carl Jung called “individuation”. 

During this process, I needed to remove layers and facets that I have mastered masking myself with over the years to be whom I thought others believed to be a success. I also started learning who I truly am under these layers.

To give you an example, about the extent I buried my own “self”, I was once defined as the extrovert in the group, yet during my journey, I spent around 3 months mostly alone. I realized I am an introvert; I charge my energy by being alone. Can you imagine the amount of strain I put myself under just to feel accepted or to fit in?

I started learning about my role as an adult. I am the one responsible for me not only taking full charge of my livelihood responsibilities but also, my physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual health. I thought being financially independent is what made me a separate individual from my parents! Well, it is one thing, but not all! To stop expecting my parents to behave in a certain way, to validate my emotions or my choices, to carry on personal chores on my behalf, or to feel responsible for them or their emotions or to put them before me. In short, stop dealing with them as parents!

Adulthood vs Parenthood

Once we reach adulthood, their role as father and mother has ended and a new dynamic gets in play. We become separate adults with dreams and ambitions and a way of living that doesn't necessarily have to follow what we have been brought upon.  

We become friends, who respect each other’s boundaries and enjoy each other's company. Friends who are there for each other out of love, not an obligation.  Friends who can speak the truth about themselves and what they feel and believe with the safety of knowing that they will not be judged, mocked, or reproached; we will all be respected and loved for who we chose to be.  

Leaving home; “emotional-partum”

A very big milestone for me is to leave home. It's not about the physical move as much as it is about the emotional weaning. I had attempted this before, but I was unconscious and not aware of how to process and validate my emotions.

The first time I experienced depression was when I left home to pursue my master's in the US. The second time was an attempt to move out a year after I had returned and lo and behold in less than a month, I fell into my second cycle of depression. Then finally I got married and fell again into the third and hopefully the final cycle.

Yes, there were other reasons for each time that I attributed depression to; I have seasonal depression and I learned about it in the US when I couldn't handle the lack of sun. Yes, I was under great stress and eventually reached a state of burnout during my 2nd and 3rd cycles of depression. But, the only common denominator to all of them; the root cause that I had never addressed was my “emotional-partum”. 

Why can't I leave home? 

There are lots of reasons related to my childhood and feeling of safety and security that contribute to this. But there is one that I related to the most. Maybe because I was mentally more aware and started feeling the discomfort even though I never understood it and hence never validated it; my teenage phase.

Unfortunately, our culture promotes emotional handicapping. We are raised to believe that our parents maintain their role and authority over us till the day one of us parts life. That is devastating to our maturity and overall wellbeing.

During teenage years we learn how to be individuals, separate from our parents. We are getting ready for adulthood, i.e. being fully independent. At the same time, parents need to learn how to retreat and empower their teens to lead their own lives away from them. It is a very difficult time for both the teenager and the parent. 

When this process is not done properly and the parents discourage the attempts and insist on carrying the responsibilities of the basic needs of the teenager, the adult version doesn’t grow or become mutated or handicapped like mine! I matured dramatically on the professional front and remained a child emotionally. This eventually took its toll on me professionally and injured my relationships, but mainly harmed my relationship with myself.  

Conscious Adulthood

With therapy and total focus on my mental health and dedicating the majority of my time to my healing process,  I am finally leaving home. 

I am leaving consciously; it feels as if I am being uprooted from the ground; it is scary and painful but also liberating. I am weaning myself from an unhealthy attachment and learning how to be an adult.

During my healing process and understanding mentally that I needed to leave home for my maturity, I was focused on the logistics; where I will live, the lifestyle, how I will finance it, etc... I was stuck on the logistics and hence I didn’t move and had to struggle and learn my 1st big lesson about the concept of home! 

Feeling “home”

My home, my safety, and my security are all within me. When I am whole; child, parent, and adult, I can make anywhere home. The specific location is secondary. Yes, it is important but is not the key to my feeling “home”.

When that lesson was learned, everything else fell into place! I decided I want to live in nature and I wanted to avoid the intensity of Cairo. I also wanted as an adult to be part of a community that fulfills my need for connection and belonging. So, I landed on Gouna as a more familiar option for now. I am going to explore it for a year. 

Actually, I will explore how I am maturing in a new place, where I need to take full ownership of myself and my social life. You see, part of my emotional immaturity is not being able to build healthy relationships. Also, I can easily exist on my own and shy away from putting myself out there, even though I need to get out of my comfort zone for my well-being and process. 

So, here I am taking my newfound home; me, to Gouna. It is a great warm and loving home, I hope Gouna is kind to it and me! I am looking forward to a new phase, a new beginning, and new connections.

If you are reading this and find it in you to relate without judgment and live in Gouna or you are visiting, drop me a line, I would love to connect.