Legacy and Control: How to Begin Understanding Your Parents’ Aging Journey

I just spoke with my neighbor, who’s in his late 70s, about his new electric car. When I asked why he decided to buy an electric car, he replied: “Because I have grandchildren. I want car companies to keep making them for their generation and beyond. I want to do something so they have a better life.”

My neighbor was expressing one of the two fundamental developmental tasks of older adults: legacy. The other is control. Legacy and control—these are two of the most important developmental tasks in later life. They shape how older adults see themselves, make decisions, and relate to the world around them.

In my last newsletter, I wrote about the importance of preparing for our parents’ needs as they age. Older adults experience emotional, cognitive, physical, and social shifts that are profound - but often overlooked or misunderstood.

Today, I want to focus on what we, as adult children, can start doing to better understand what our parents are going through. A good place to begin is by looking at their need for control—why it matters, how it shows up, and how we can respond.

Next time, I’ll dive into the other side of the coin: the drive to create a legacy.

Hang on Tight While Letting Go: The Paradox of Older Adults

Toddlers need to cling to their parents while developing independence. Teenagers need independence while still seeking protection. Middle-aged adults feel at the peak of control and confidence, but have to juggle many demands - career, family, personal pursuits and community-building.

Older adults need to “hang on tight while also needing to let go and discover the meaning of their lives.”*

Why hang on tight? Why fight for control? Older adults are facing losses: loss of physical abilities, loss of friends, loss of feeling needed or consulted, and loss of identity, among others. Reacting to these losses, older adults try to maintain autonomy and control. This might result in statements that look like resistance:

• “No, I’m not going to stop driving”

• “I don’t want to leave my home and downsize”

• “I’m not going to the doctor to get another exam”

• “Stop bothering me about updating my will”

And how do we react as adult children? We don’t fully understand what’s driving our parents’ perceived stubbornness, because we aren’t taught about their developmental needs. When we don’t understand the why behind their resistance, we often struggle to connect and communicate.

Often (and I include myself here), we keep pushing harder to get the result we want - to get them to do the thing we think is in their best interest: sell their home, move to an assisted living facility, accept help at home, give up the car keys. When that doesn’t work, we may give up, temporarily or longer. We try to meet control with control, and the results are rarely satisfactory for us or our parents.

So what can we do differently? Here are three ways to shift your approach and better support your parent’s need for control:

1. Notice and listen: Where have there been areas of conflict between you and your parent? What are the one or two things that repeatedly create conflict - where you want them to do X, and they respond by saying “no,” or ignoring your ask?

2. Ask whether a feeling of “loss of control” is behind your parent’s resistance: Why might they be resisting? What would they be giving up or losing if they did what you wanted? What might their preference be?

3. Give them space - and give control back: Let your parent take the lead and express their views. Get curious about why they’re pushing back, and where there’s an appropriate way for them to make decisions (health and safety, considering). E.g., “Mom, I’m hearing you don’t want to have a carer come to support you a few days a week. I won’t press the issue anymore. Can you talk me through how you’re thinking of doing the cooking and bathing by yourself?”

*As brilliantly described by David Solie, MS, PA in his book, “How to Say It to Seniors: Closing the Communication Gap with Our Elders.” I’m indebted to his work on communicating with older adults, and thanks to Maggie Miller Coaching & Consulting for recommending it!