The 'Mom Costume': What Authenticity Looks Like for Working Moms

Book Excerpt!

I am back writing my book which feels great after a long break to focus on family, continue to heal from my accident and surgery, and serve our customers as their CISO. I have enjoyed looking back at my Mother’s Day posts on LinkedIn each year. As a “Working Mom” for over 23 years now I have been reflecting on my “Mom” costume and how a quick phone call with another mom about our boys going Trick-or- Treating revealed just how different I was at home than in the conference room at work.

So, here we go. Happy Mother’s Day 2024!

Men wear a lot of “hats” in their careers. I heard this often when they were juggling different duties at work. As I explore the journey throughout my IT career, something donned on me as I sit here writing this book as a wife, mother, daughter, sister, aunt, team member, subordinate, leader, and Chief Information Security Officer (CISO). Women assume a full costume, not just a hat. From my experience, men seem to be the same person whether they are at work in their office or on the field coaching their kids’ sports teams. For me and the women I’ve known in Corporate America, (especially in the 90’s), we put on our “work suits” (working woman costume) and worked our tails off to be rewarded with recognition, a raise, or even a promotion. We held our tongue and made sure not to rock the boat or look “hysterical” or “hormonal” if we were frustrated or upset.  After a long day of work, as soon as I got into the car, I would rip off my panty hose, take a deep breath, and try to decompress before arriving home. Once I darkened the door, I had to quickly switch gears and change into my “mom jeans.” The “mom jean” costume included smiles, happy claps and big hugs, cooking a great dinner, and getting my golden couple of hours with the kids before the dreaded bedtime routine. (Oh, and then back on an 11:00pm call with the team in India).

It was around 2014, that I discovered how different my mom costume looked (and sounded) from my “IT Manager” costume. I was riding in the car with two other coworkers moving some servers from our mill in Seguin, Texas, back to our Dallas-based headquarters. It was Halloween and I had to make a call to another mom about our Trick-or-Treat plans in the neighborhood. When I ended the call, my coworkers were both staring at me with their mouths gaping open. I said, “what’s wrong?” and they said, “We have never heard you use that voice.” The most shocking thing about this comment was that one coworker was also one of my best friends. Hadn’t she heard my "mom" voice?

Fast forward ten years later, and now I am speaking publicly about Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion (DEI), authenticity, and opportunities for diversity in the field of cybersecurity.  I often wonder if “being authentic” ever crossed one of my male coworkers’ minds. Do they prepare to enter a conference room and speak their “truth?” Do they do a quick self-assurance moment with their inner voice that says, “You got this!”? 

I also wonder: Is it now safer for women in Corporate America to be themselves and even vulnerable sometimes? The thought of the word vulnerable and work being in the same sentence still gives me heart palpitations. Aren’t we still supposed to “maintain” so we don’t look overly “passionate,” “aggressive,” “bossy,” “bit**y,” or “hysterical?”

My Mother’s Day post last year included an interview with my children on what they experienced with me being a working mom and a proud member of the bourbon drinking, “what did you grill over the weekend,” and, “how about them Cowboys?!” club. That was my IT Manager/CISO costume. I was comfortable in it. In fact, I found out in 2019, when I was invited to speak on a panel for a Women in Technology conference, I felt like I had to go buy a “Woman in Tech” costume. I didn’t own one. It was truly uncomfortable to talk about my journey in IT, where often, I was the only woman in the room. Panel discussions, coaching and mentoring, and writing about these challenges can still be uncomfortable, but I have found it necessary and powerful to do so.

Can you be authentic at work? In many work cultures I think you can, but I still wouldn’t use my mom voice (that I used when my kids were still little) in a conference room. Is it because I would fear being seen as weak? No, because I think we working moms are quite strong and resourceful. Rather, it is because my CISO costume only fits when I am being a CISO. Conversely, my kids don’t want to experience my CISO costume at home; they want “Mom.”

Do Millennials and Gen Z’ers worry about costume changes between work and motherhood? I hope not. As always, I’m encouraged to see the changes happening and the playing field leveling. We have more work to do to come together for a mutual understanding and a safe space to operate authentically and not worry if we are wearing the right costume.

Until then, I’ll ask: Why are we “Working Moms” but our husbands aren’t “Working Dads?”

Happy Mothers’ Day!