"There is more that connects us than we know": Navigating IVF and leadership in the workplace
Please note, the experience below is not my own. I am sharing this article on behalf of a colleague as part of a series of articles about women’s reproductive health and why it is a workplace issue, which I outlined here.
The article shares a personal experience of pregnancy loss and IVF, which may be triggering.
Navigating IVF and leadership in the workplace
I am 1 in 4 women who have had a miscarriage. I am also 1 in 8 women who have experienced infertility – difficulty becoming and/or staying pregnant. I am also 1 in 100 women who have experienced repeat/recurrent pregnancy loss. I have experienced 4 miscarriages and have been through 4 ultimately unsuccessful rounds of IVF.
The reality of bringing those stats into work
These stats have hit me hardest across the last 3 years of my life, and, as a woman in my early 40s, that has also meant that I (as with others in my situation) have been navigating these issues around and inside work – not as one-off events which are difficult enough in and of themselves, but as a recurrent part of the definition of who I am – that unfortunate element to my identity that simply isn’t going away. For those going through IVF, every ‘round’ hides an ongoing often un-noticed cycle of mini-events, milestones, periods of stress and high anxiety: the impact of meds and additional hormones on my weight, mood and energy, myriad doctor’s appointments that are not local, multiple scans, sedation and procedures, and then the waiting games. Will I get enough eggs? Will they fertilise? Will they stay alive so I get to transfer? And then, will that transfer lead to a positive pregnancy test? And then…will I stay pregnant? There are endless scans, multiple shots and dozens of tablets to manage every day.
For those who suffer repeat pregnancy loss those periods of stress and waiting never relent; for those of my newly discovered ‘tribe’ who have successfully then become and stayed pregnant, that worry never goes away. Not until the day they give birth. For those of us who are unsuccessful, the process simply repeats over and over again.
Enabling authenticity with IVF at work – what we need from our leaders
In and amongst those periods of worry and bombshells that have been a consistent feature in my life for the last 2 years, I have had work. I find humour in the memes from those that I follow online in similar situations – my favourite is from @recurrent_loss_psychologist who had a reel of herself with crazy hair and make-up-streaked face with the overlay text “navigating full time work and IVF
Support from my own line managers has been vital – and I have seen the difference that differing levels of support can make. From some who have been understanding yet praising how I ‘carry on’ in spite, resulting in me feeling understood on the one hand yet feeling like I should work through unconscionable circumstances, through to those who have openly empathised and enabled me to show up truly authentically at work, at least to them. There have been days where I have hit a wall and have had to call up my manager and say: nope, not today. And being met with complete non-judgement and empathetic understanding, with no impact on the perception of my overall job performance or capability, has been a breath of fresh air. And I realise how many women (and men who are feeling the impact of IVF/infertility) do not have that support. When you’re dealing with an issue that’s both common and not talked about, you have to feel confident enough in your workplace environment to ask for what you need – even when you’re not sure what that is. It’s our leaders that can create this comfort and psychological safety.
Leading with empathy
Leading a team adds another layer of complexity. I struggled for a while with this – how do I remain authentic, which is one of my pillars of my identity as a leader and manager, while hiding this side of myself? But equally I felt that when we were going through immense periods of change, as many organisations were during Covid, that I needed to be a stable base for my team. I didn’t want them to worry about the fact that I felt less stable in myself, but also that I was clearly trying to get pregnant – and in the early days I thought surely this will work soon, and then I’ll be on maternity leave – and I don’t want them to worry that I’m about to leave. After two years of IVF that felt like much less of a concern.
It was at the end of last year that I decided to share my experience with my team. And I did so because I recognised that not only was it important for me to share that human side of myself for my own sake, it was also important for them to understand that there were times when I wasn’t going to be my best. And that this was okay. And it didn’t mean that I have been anything less than a fully active, productive and important member of my work team. But there also needs to be an acknowledgement that you bring your life to work, and work into your life, now more than ever. That vulnerability has not only helped me manage and balance my own situation and decrease the isolation that women in my position often feel, but it’s also helped me to understand and navigate my own team’s issues with more empathy. I have learned that if I encourage my team to work passionately when they’re feeling great, and create space for themselves when they’re not, that they perform better overall, and are more loyal to their team and to the business. And we build a culture based on vulnerability, trust, and empathy.
And most importantly, even outside my team, speaking up about my experience has allowed other women in other teams around me to feel comfortable enough to come to me for support or a conversation around their own personal experiences around miscarriage and loss. Being able as a leader to talk openly and with empathy around the life issues that your colleagues and team members bring to work is so important and lets others in similar positions to me know they’re not alone, either at work or outside of it.
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2yEmpathy and awareness on the subject of infertility and miscarriage is vital in the workplace. I was very fortunate that my previous employer was very understanding when we lost our baby very late on. But it's also vitally important that more people speak about it so that the huge stresses and emotional upheaval that people can be going through are met without ignorance and with empathy.