Be More Interested, Than Interesting

When it comes to communication, many coaches, trainers, and leaders will often say things like "you have to listen to your clients or associates." Or, they will say "you need to build rapport before selling." Or, how about this one..."you have to ask great questions and listen to your customer's needs." Well...duh...we sort of know all that right? Right!

Now, there's nothing wrong with the advice above...in fact, it's 100% right. The challenge is that those that often give advice, don't spend the time to teach us exactly how to do what they're telling us. It's often the outcome they tell us about and not how to get there. Can you relate?

So, how do we listen more, build rapport better, or simply be more interested, than interesting?

A long time ago, a coach of mine, took some time to explain to me a strategy that I've used for years now. It's the perfect strategy no matter who you are trying to build rapport with, whether it be your associates, clients, or your personal relationships.

The thing he told me was, "Nima, you just have to be more interested, than interesting". I didn't quite understand what he meant, so he broke it down for me.

He explained that since we have a deep desire as humans to connect to one another, we will often jump the gun and begin saying things like "oh yea...that's happened to me too", or "oh I know what you mean, every time I experience what you're saying I feel the same way too."

We're not bad people for doing this, it's how we relate to each other, and create the level of understanding that we think "builds rapport". The challenge is that we have the right idea, but we're just not implementing it the right way and at the right time. Thus, we create a moment where we shutdown those we're communicating with rather than encouraging them to share more with us.

Here is the rule he gave me. He said, "Alright Nima, when you first ask a question, you must ask 3 more questions that relate to the topic that the person is speaking about, before you start to share your thoughts...be more interested, than interesting."

So, if you're showing up Monday morning and popping the famous "How was your weekend?" question, then you must ask 3 additional questions that relate to what the person is replying with.

What does this look or sound like? Let's try it out so you can see...here goes!

Me: How was your weekend Lori?

Lori: It was good. We didn't do a whole lot, just went to the movies.

Me: Oh cool...what movie did you watch? (Question #1)

Lori: We watched Black Panther. I thought it was really good!

Me: Really? Would you recommend watching it? (Question 2)

Lori: Oh yea...if you're into super hero movies, then you'll love this one.

Me: I'll have to make time to watch it then. Where did you go to watch it...what location? (Question 3)

Lori: We ended up going to the movie theatre that opened up right by our house in Frisco. It's super nice and it's got the cool reclining chairs.

Me: I love those new theaters with those reclining chairs, it really feels like you're watching a movie at home when you're just reclining back like you're at home.

Note: (Once you've asked at least 3 questions, it's ok to start relating at this point.)

There is one more tiny little trick you can do to help remind you to stay present, listen, and don't speak until you ask your 3 questions.

You ready for it?

Here goes...you will put the tip of your tongue at the roof of your mouth and that will be the signal you give to your brain and mouth that you will not speak, and instead, you will listen and get ready to ask your 1st question.

Why do we need this little trick? Well, as people are speaking, your mind is already starting to form thoughts like, "hey...wait...I've wanted to do that too...or, I really want to tell you about my experience when I did that". To fight those thoughts and for staying true to being interested versus interesting, just keep the tip of your tongue at the roof of your mouth and listen.

Remember, we all want to relate and be better communicators, leaders and friends. The way we do it, is to be more interested, than interesting. Take some time this week and practice this, and let me know how it goes for you!

Be more interested, than interesting.