Most of our heartbreak doesn’t come from what people do—it comes from what we expect them to do

This week, I want to have a very real conversation—one that comes from lived experience as a woman in her 40s. At this stage of life, we’re balancing multiple roles—partner, daughter, daughter-in-law, parent, relative, friend, professional. And often, the web of expectations from all sides can feel suffocating.

But here’s the truth: the peace you’re seeking in relationships may not come from getting more—more love, more care, more support—but from expecting less of the wrong things.

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I’ve been there—feeling drained when my loved ones don't read my unspoken needs, frustrated when my parents or in-laws don’t understand my choices, overwhelmed by relatives’ constant opinions, or heartbroken when my child doesn’t express gratitude the way I hoped.

For years, I tied my emotional stability to how others behaved. But the lesson life taught me is this: if you want emotional freedom, you must redefine what not to expect. I’ve come to realize that while we are constantly told what to expect in relationships, very few conversations happen about what not to expect. And yet, those “not-to’s” are what protect our peace, help us stay emotionally detached where necessary, and preserve our mental well-being.

We live in a culture that celebrates sacrifice in relationships, especially for women. But what if we reframed our role? Instead of being the endless giver who silently waits for reciprocity, what if we became the conscious witness—choosing love but releasing attachment to outcomes?

This shift doesn’t make you cold or detached—it makes you whole. It allows you to love fully without losing yourself.

Expectations are natural—we all carry them. They come from the love we give, the energy we invest, and the sacrifices we make. But too often, they turn into invisible contracts we silently sign with the people around us. And when they don’t live up to those contracts, we feel hurt, unvalued, and even resentful.

Why do we have expectations?

Expectations are deeply human. We create them because they give us a sense of security and balance in our relationships. We want our partner to care, our parents to understand, our in-laws to appreciate, our child to respect. These desires stem from our need for love, validation, and belonging. When these expectations go unmet, it shakes the foundation of that emotional security—and that’s why the sadness cuts so deep.

What not to expect in relationships

Here are a few things I’ve learned (sometimes the hard way):

• Don’t expect people to read your mind—communicate openly.

• Don’t expect constant appreciation—it often comes quietly, in ways you may not notice.

• Don’t expect others to change just because you want them to—it’s their journey, not yours.

• Don’t expect your sacrifices to always be acknowledged—you do them because you chose to, not because the world owes you recognition.

• Don’t expect relationships to be perfect—they are meant to grow, stumble, and evolve.

What not to expect in relationships (from different roles)

1. From Your Partner: Don’t expect them to fulfill every emotional gap you feel. They can love you, but they cannot replace your own inner work.

2. From Parents: Don’t expect them to suddenly become different from who they’ve always been. They carry their conditioning just as we carry ours. Acceptance can be more healing than resistance.

3. From In-Laws: Don’t expect them to always validate or understand your choices. Protecting your peace sometimes means lowering the need for their approval.

4. From Relatives: Don’t expect them to stop having opinions. People will always talk. The choice is yours—whether you let it wound you or let it pass like background noise.

5. From Your Child: Don’t expect gratitude or acknowledgment in the exact way you desire. Children express love differently—and often much later. Trust that the seeds you’re planting are enough.

For all women in their 40s, many of us stand at the intersection of responsibilities and rediscovering ourselves. Protecting our mental and emotional well-being doesn’t need to be complicated. Here are some simple practices:

• Take 15 minutes of “silent time” daily just for yourself—no phone, no demands.

• Journal your emotions instead of bottling them up.

• Practice gentle detachment—love deeply, but don’t lose yourself.

• Reconnect with your body through walks, stretches, or mindful breathing.

• Say “NO” more often—it’s an act of self-respect, not selfishness.

This week, take a quiet moment with yourself and ask:

👉 “Where am I expecting too much, and how is it draining me?”

👉 “Can I replace expectation with acceptance in just one relationship?”

Let go of one unhelpful expectation. Not for them—for you.

For your sanity, your heart, and your freedom.

With love & joy,

Madhurima

(Soulful Living Coach)