The Myth of More: Why You Already Have All the Confidence You Want

Confidence. It’s that alluring quality that gives some people, brimming with it, a magnetic pull. They enchant the audience they speak to, are elevated by their peers, and irresistible to the potential soulmate they’re on a date with. Their self-assured presence catches our attention, and quietly we think, “Wow, they really have it all together. I wish I had that kind of confidence.”

Truth be told, while many of us possess some level of confidence, most of us want to be more confident.

Experts in the personal development industry often recommend specific techniques, such as reciting daily affirmations, envisioning success, and activating NLP anchors to boost your self-confidence.

But what if I told you that it’s not more confidence you need – it’s something else. Because you already are as confident as you want to be – even though you may not think so.

Intrigued? Stick with me.

You see you’re not alone in this quest to enhance your confidence. From our earliest days, we’re conditioned to aspire to be confident. We’re given countless opportunities to cultivate a healthy sense of self-assurance, whether in the classroom, on the sports field, or with our parents.

By the time we’re young adults, most of us have developed a certain level of confidence.

This confidence serves as a cornerstone for our success later in life, whether we’re climbing the corporate ladder or starting our own businesses.

Being confident we’re more likely to make decisions that align with our values, take risks, and embrace new experiences, leading to broader horizons and personal growth. And radiating real confidence inspires those around us for what’s possible in their life, creating a positive ripple effect.

There’s no denying confidence is a vital quality impacting many facets of our life and plays a pivotal role in our journey to success.

Now while success is a multi-faceted and subjective concept that can differ from one person to another, confidence consistently emerges as a critical factor in many success stories.

Interestingly, I’ve worked with countless clients who, despite being very capable and successful, confessed to me, “I want to be more confident. I don’t believe I’m confident enough.” I intimately understood their desire and despair because I’ve been there myself – believing I was not confident enough and searching for ways to increase my confidence.

In my teenage years, I admired extroverted schoolmates who effortlessly exuded confidence, and I desperately wanted to emulate them. I thought, “They must know something or have something I don’t.” I tried to mimic their behavior, but it felt fake, and it wasn’t me.

In those pre-Internet days, my only option was to turn to books, hoping to uncover a magic formula to boost my self-confidence. While some of these practices improved my communication skills, the nagging thought of ‘I’m not confident enough.’ persisted.

Even though I received numerous accolades at school and assumed leadership positions at university, I still felt that true confidence eluded me. It was only after intense self-analysis and deep inner work, I cracked the confidence code, and it gave me what I always wanted: to naturally exude a high level of confidence in any situation, at any time, with anyone.

From this transformative journey, I gleaned insights and strategies to help innumerable clients consistently maintain a state of natural confidence effortlessly. But to fully appreciate these insights, it's vital to briefly delve into the very essence of what ‘wanting to be more confident’ really means before I reveal why you already have all the confidence you want.

Confidence, derived from the Latin word ‘confidere,’ means ‘to confide’ or ‘to trust.’ In essence, confidence equals trusting yourself and your abilities.

In my private practice I would ask clients who knew they were capable and successful, “Do you trust yourself and your abilities?” They’d say, “Yes, of course, otherwise, I wouldn’t have achieved what I have.” I’d respond, “Exactly! So, you know you are confident.” They’d agree. I’d press further and say, “So, what makes you believe you aren’t confident enough?”

Their answers were illuminating. To mention a few:

Speaking in Public

My client presents his ideas at a conference and thinks: “When John speaks in front of a crowd of 100 or more, everyone hangs on his every word, and he seems so at ease. If I could muster that kind of confidence, maybe I’d get the same reactions. I need to be more confident because right now, I don’t command the same attention as John does.”

Difficult Conversations in Relationships

Watching a close friend tackle tough conversations with their significant other with grace and conviction, my client reflected: “Jane just navigated a difficult conversation with her partner so effortlessly. They both left feeling understood and respected. I hesitate and fear confronting my partner on serious topics. I need to be more confident because clearly, my lack of it prevents me from fostering the same open communication that Jane has.”

Romantic Pursuits

After witnessing a colleague gracefully handle a declined date invitation, my client said: “Mike just asked Sarah out, and even though she said no, he smiled, thanked her, and walked away with his head held high. If that were me, I would’ve been devastated and embarrassed. I need to be more confident because my resilience doesn’t compare to Mike’s.”

Sharing Personal Achievements

Observing a friend recounting their recent accomplishments at a gathering, my client recalls: “Tom shared his recent successes, and everyone was genuinely happy for him and interested. I’ve had similar achievements, but when I mention them, it feels like they fall on deaf ears. I need to be more confident because I don’t seem to capture the same enthusiasm and attention as Tom does.”

I pointed out to my clients, “The reality is you are confident. However, your confidence is situation specific. You want to become more confident because, in certain situations, it’s not as strong as you’d like it to be. Is that correct?” They nodded, ‘Yes, that’s exactly it.’

Often, we believe ‘I need to be more confident’ because we compare our presence, our charisma and the attention and response we garner against those of others. Consequently, we reach a conclusion similar to this:

“I’m not getting the same level of attention, I don’t have a similar appeal, I don’t receive as much recognition because I’m not as confident as they are.”

We believe our level of confidence is not of equal calibre, hence it’s not ‘enough’.

In addition, when we are nervous, feel uneasy or uncomfortable in certain situations, we often assume we have these feelings because we’re not confident ‘enough’.

Yet, what I’ve seen with so many clients is that in 95% of cases the underlying issue has got nothing to do with confidence. Nothing. Nada. Nil.

When you dig deeper, you’ll notice something interesting.

You think you may have a ‘not confident enough’ issue but the core issue has less to do with confidence, and more to do with: Not being comfortable in your own skin.

Confidence is born from being comfortable with yourself, where you’re at ease with yourself, you’re comfortable being yourself and express yourself effortlessly. This ease comes from feeling worthy, accepting yourself and knowing yourself.

In essence, the triad of self-worth, self-esteem and self-awareness equates to being comfortable with yourself.

Now when you’re comfortable within yourself, you trust yourself and your abilities, and confidence naturally follows.

You don’t need to ‘build’, ‘increase’, or ‘improve’ your confidence; you just need to be comfortable with yourself.

What we need to remember is: It’s a natural state of being. It’s how you were born. Look at any baby and you see the ease, peace, and effortlessness with which it naturally expresses itself.

When you reside in this inner comfort, you’re genuine, calm, and communicate effortlessly. Most people perceive (and misinterpret) this state to be confidence.

Now you may wonder: What causes us to disconnect from this natural state? Conditioning, socialization, our mind and ego, and unresolved past experiences play their roles.

What’s important to note is: This inner comfort, peace and ease is always within you and accessible.

To reconnect with your natural state of ease, become comfortable with yourself, and express your true nature you must address any limiting beliefs you carry about yourself, as well as unexpressed emotions, and unresolved issues from your past.

These ‘layers of mud’, as I refer to them, need to be removed.

You see your soul is like a bright, shiny diamond but its light and true radiance cannot shine forth fully because these ‘layers of mud’ cover it.

The good news is when you hire a seasoned expert who uses a proven and effective method you can remove these layers – easily and permanently – and uncover your natural state of inner ease and comfort.

Once you reside in this natural state, you’ll find that you already have enough confidence, even in situations where it previously felt lacking because strong confidence is already within you and always accessible.

You’ll notice the inner tranquility you now possess makes addressing large crowds and groups a breeze. Even conversing with unfamiliar faces feels as if you’ve been acquainted for ages.

Advancing in your professional realm becomes noticeably simpler. When faced with unfamiliar tasks, you approach them with a newfound ease.

Should you need to engage in a challenging dialogue with your partner, your demeanour remains composed, and your newfound confidence helps you defuse situations that might have escalated into arguments previously.

Contemplating asking that special someone on a date? It feels far less daunting now. You see, when you’re comfortable with yourself, you can approach this conversation with a more laid-back attitude of “Let's see where this leads.” You remain relaxed and light about it. Even if things don’t go as planned, you’re undeterred, and your confidence remains unshaken.

You’re. Still. Ok. With. Yourself. 

You see, when you’re comfortable with yourself, it matters less what others think of you, and more how you feel about yourself.

So, instead of chasing more confidence, reconnect with your inner comfort, and watch your confidence soar naturally.

When you’re ready to remove those ‘layers’ holding you back, take a look at how we can work together and step into the ease, peace, and comfort that’s already within you.