Neurodivergent Masking Isn’t Defiance-It’s Survival

You’d think by now we’d know how to disagree without combusting.

But no. We’re still flinging foam bricks at each other like toddlers in a soft play centre. “I’m right, you’re wrong.” Every time.

And the worst part? Most people don’t even realise they’re doing it.

This isn’t about facts. Or values. It’s about comfort. More specifically, the discomfort that shows up when someone sees the world differently. Especially if that someone is neurodivergent.

When Different Feels Dangerous

We like to believe our way of thinking is the neutral one. The baseline. So when someone shows up with a different lens, it pokes a hole in that illusion.

Cue discomfort. Cue defensiveness. Cue a LinkedIn rant, probably.

But what if disagreement didn’t mean danger?

Opinions Aren’t Attacks

Just because someone thinks differently doesn’t mean they’re rejecting you.

Not everyone communicates in bullet points. Not everyone processes things in a straight line. Not everyone sees what you see when they walk into a room.

You’d think this would be obvious. But it’s not. Especially when neurodivergent people are involved.

Why Neurodivergence Feels Personal (To Other People)

If you’ve ever said “I don’t do well in noisy meetings” or “I think better when I pace,” you’ll know what I mean.

You’re not criticising anyone. You’re naming a need. But suddenly someone bristles. “It’s not that loud.” “Well I prefer when people sit still.”

As if your wiring is a personal review of their behaviour.

Masking Isn’t Drama. It’s Safety.

Neurodivergent masking means hiding how your brain works to avoid judgement, conflict, or rejection. Not because you want to. Because you feel like you have to.

It’s draining. And it chips away at your confidence.

Over time, you stop trusting your own view. You forget what your real opinion even was.

The Problem With Being "Tolerated"

Even in spaces that claim to be inclusive, the message is often:

Be different, but don’t make us uncomfortable about it.

That’s not inclusion. That’s surface-level tolerance.

Real inclusion means making space for friction. For ideas that challenge yours. For styles of communication that don’t match what you expect.

Without slapping a label like “difficult” or “dramatic” on someone who doesn’t blend in.

So, What Helps?

You can’t fix polarisation overnight. But you can stop feeding it.

Start here:

• Notice when someone’s view makes you uncomfortable

• Ask yourself why. Is it really them, or is it your own certainty being shaken?

• Let go of being right

• Confidence isn’t about convincing people. It’s about standing your ground without pushing others to stand with you

• Don’t confuse disagreement with disrespect

• Dismissiveness is the problem. Not difference

If You’re Someone Who Masks

You don’t need to argue to be valid. You don’t need to explain yourself to deserve space.

Stay grounded in your truth. Even if it confuses people. Especially then.

🧩 Further Reading

If any of this sounds familiar, you’ll want to check out this post on ADHD and autism masking. It dives deeper into why we do it and what it costs us.

🙋 Need Support That Actually Fits?

I work with late-diagnosed neurodivergent adults who are done masking and ready to build a life that works for how they think and feel.

Burnout. Boundaries. Brain fog. We go there. Without the fluff.

I also support partners, friends, and colleagues who want to get it. Because sometimes the hardest part isn’t being neurodivergent. It’s being misunderstood.

👉 Learn more at adhdaptive.org

Photo ID:A sad cartoon lightbulb character with a blue bow and big eyes stands beside bold text that reads “When your views aren’t respected.” This image represents the emotional impact of neurodivergent masking, hiding your true self to avoid judgement or conflict. Branded with the ADHDaptive logo.