Nice Isn’t Always Effective: Leadership Lessons for People Pleasers

Is People Pleasing holding you back as a Leader?

"Meet Chloe, a high-performing leader who never says no. She skips lunch to fix others' mistakes, avoids hard conversations to ‘keep the peace,’ and takes on extra work to ‘help out.’ She loves being a go-to person. But her team don't actually seem that happy, she struggles to complete tasks of her own, and she’s burning out. What went wrong?”

Yep, you guessed it, that was me. And what went wrong was the inherent need to please others, above myself.

But what happens when the desire to be liked or to avoid conflict starts to cloud your judgment? When the need to please others takes precedence over your own values and well-being?

This is the challenge many leaders face: the balancing act between empathy and authority, between being approachable and being assertive.

The Trap of People-Pleasing

Being a people-pleaser in leadership is pretty common, I see it a lot with my coachees. Because often as a leader we strive to be empathetic, and have a genuine desire to help others, we also like to get things done. However, when this isn't managed, it can lead to:

• Decision-making paralysis: Fear of disappointing others can delay taking action
• Burnout: Overcommitting to please everyone leaves little energy for yourself.
• Eroded trust: Perhaps unexpected but if you are seen to be overly accommodating, it can cause a reduction in trust. Your team might notn take you seriously, they may think there is a lack of direction.

Recognising your tendency to please is the first step.

So how do you move from over pleasing to leading?

Here's the key steps:

• Embracing self-awareness: Understand what your triggers and motivations are to please. When the people-pleasing gremlin pops its head up is there a trend? Perhaps it takes a personality? What story is it telling you?
• Setting clear boundaries: Communicate what you will and won't accept, and what you can and can't do. Do so respectfully but firmly.
• Prioritising authenticity: Lead in a way that aligns with what you value most. Can you even remember what this is or are you focusing too much on others? How can you start to peel back the layers>

Remember, leadership isn't about being liked by everyone; and we can't control that anyway! The aim is to be respected, trusted and to lead in a sustainable way... not needing those holidays to recover.

But what can you actually do?

Here are some actionable steps to help you lead without compromising your integrity:

1. Pause Before Responding: When faced with a request, take a moment to assess your capacity and priorities.
2. Practice Saying "No": It's a skill that can be developed. Start with small, low-stakes situations like in a shop (remembering to be nice to service people)
3. Seek Feedback: Regularly ask your team and peers for input on your leadership style and areas for improvement.
4. Invest in Yourself: Consider coaching or workshops that focus on building confidence and emotional intelligence.
5. Check in with Yourself: Start taking notice of when you feel taken advantage of, when you feel frustrated, and when you feel happy.

Final Thoughts - Look for inspiration and don't lose heart

Leadership and self awareness is about continuous growth and learning from experiences, it's not likely to be a quick fix. Be kind to yourself and as a reminder ask yourself "What Would Brené do?"

1. Brené Brown – Researcher, Author, and Leadership Thinker

Brené Brown has openly described herself as a former people-pleaser and perfectionist. In her leadership work, especially in Dare to Lead, she explores how people-pleasing is often a form of self-protection—a way to manage how others perceive us.“Trying to win over everyone’s approval is not leadership—it’s fear wearing a mask.”

2. Jacinda Ardern – Former Prime Minister of New Zealand

Known for her empathetic leadership style, Ardern openly spoke about the tension between caring deeply and making tough decisions. In her memoir A Different Kind of Power, she explores how she had to shift from being a “fixer” to being a leader who empowers others—and that meant letting go of trying to please everyone.

She stepped down as Prime Minister in 2023, citing burnout and the importance of recognising when it’s time to stop giving beyond your limits—a powerful statement on boundaries and self-awareness.

3. Kwame Christian – Negotiation Expert & Author

Kwame Christian describes himself as a recovering people-pleaser. As a lawyer and mediator, he found that avoiding conflict made him less effective. He now teaches others how to navigate difficult conversations with confidence.

In his Forbes article From People Pleaser to Power Negotiator, he talks about how learning to speak up, say no, and prioritise long-term trust over short-term approval changed everything.

A few book recommendations for more on this topic:

1. Dare to Lead by Brené Brown
2. Radical Candor by Kim Scott
3. The Motive by Patrick Lencioni
4. From People Pleaser to Power Negotiator by Kwame Christian (article + podcast)
5. Please Yourself by Emma Reed Turrell

If you're ready to explore this further, let's chat.

How you can work with me currently:

• I have some space to work 1:1 either in person (close to Sheffield) or online. The cost to do this is typically £1150 over a 6month period. You can find out more here.
• I am building a cohort for group coaching for micro business owners / leaders in Sheffield. The group will be no bigger than 6 people. The cost to join this is typically £600 to sign up for an initial 6 months. You can find out more here.