The One Thing to Let Go for a Happier Life: My Lessons Learned

I had just turned 21 and was about to leave my home country of 21 years to move to a much bigger one, to a place many dreamed of:

The South of France.

I had just landed my second job as a Secretary to the General Manager of a small NATO agency building tactical helicopters. I dropped out of my Bachelor's to start working and providing for myself by taking a job at the Ministry of Defence. Within one year, I moved on to a bigger organization when the opportunity arose.

So here I was, a college dropout surrounded by scientists, geniuses, masters, PhDs, and a long list of abbreviations I had no idea what they meant.

All I knew, and all I felt, was that I was never going to feel good enough in this environment because I lacked the credentials. And I dropped out of college, so I definitely felt like a loser!

I learned quite a lot about office politics, self-worth, and the need we have to be desperately connected to a title, job, accolades, and degrees. Although we were a tight working family and got along well, the hierarchy and power distance were real. The B or A grade before your title made the difference in what you received as compensation and how you treated others.

What ultimately depended on how good of a relationship you developed with others was based on someone's character, not their title.

I worked for two General Managers during that time, the big bosses. They were more humble than the secretary or engineer from department X because of their character, not their title.

Climbing the Ladder and Facing The Ilussions

Fast forward 13 years, I found myself working for NATO in Brussels. Now, I have two degrees: a Bachelor's in Communications from a university in the Netherlands and a Master's in International Relations from the University of Cambridge.

Now I must feel good enough, you would think?

Nope. I thought these degrees would help me land a promotion so I could move out of being seen as just ‘support staff’ or a ‘secretary,’ as I was working at the same level as an A-grade. I was just not paid the same.

After several failed applications and job interviews, I thought, let's try the NATO Executive Development Program. Even though I did not match the entry requirements, that did not stop me.

When I set my mind to something, I won't stop until I get it.

That is a blessing and a curse at the same time, by the way! Sometimes, you need to call it a day and just stop. Not give up, but redirect, as obviously the direction you are headed is screaming at you: THIS IS NOT WORKING!

Fast forward two years, now I was the first B-grade in NATO to have done the NATO executive development program. Surely, now I must be enough?!

Nope, now I needed my promotion.

I love reaching for the stars, so I went for a high-level position which at that time in my career was a dream job.

I got to work with senior leadership and help shape NATO's digital agenda. I got butterflies just thinking about what it would be like to be a Senior Executive Stakeholder Coordinator.

So I went for it, and after ups and downs, rejection just to be redirected and standing up for myself, I got the job!

Now, after 15 years, I was no longer a B-grade but an A-grade. I was no longer underpaid, but I was paid worth my performance.

Now I must be good enough, right?

Nope!

I spent the following years proving to myself and others that I was worth the promotion, the title, and the job function. Many did not like the fact that a former secretary was promoted to a senior stakeholder position, and they made no secret about it. Many wanted my job and tried everything in their power to sabotage me so I could fail and they could feel better.

Schadenfreude is real, unfortunately.

But many also were inspired and supported me, like the team I worked with. It was probably the most amazing team to work with in my entire career.

Finding True Worth afters years of Feeling Unworthy

Until all the years of trying to prove to myself that I am enough without titles, accolades, and degrees, came back to bite me in my behind.

Burnout.

Burnout is not something that happens all of a sudden or overnight. It is an accumulation of years of both visible and invisible stress. And often we address the visible stress factor, but not the invisible stress factors.

The ones that are fueled by not feeling good enough in a society where we constantly need to prove ourselves. Or at least, we feel like we have to.

I remember the day I handed in my resignation, people were in shock.

"Nadja, people would kill for your job!"

"Nadja, what will you do with your son?"

"Nadja, it is not safe out there. You are used to the bubble!"

My answer to the first comment was how sad, and I hope they don't because it is not worth it.

My answer to the second one was that I was pretty sure people kept their offspring once they left NATO.

It was the third question, though, that did instil fear in me, a lot of it.

Who was I if I was not working at NATO?

Would people take me seriously without my title and function?

Would people still be around?

Fast forward five years, I learned the answers the hard way.

I had lost my identity for a while, trying to figure out how to rebuild myself outside a hierarchical institution that was home to me for nearly two decades.

And yes, when you lose your title and status, a lot of people who were sucking up to you find someone new to suck up to, and you are no longer a person of interest.

Only a few, with character, had stayed in touch.

As I am writing this today, I am grateful for all these experiences because they taught me so much.

They helped me heal one of the most common societal diseases in today's age:

Not feeling good enough.

I am good enough with or without my titles, degrees, and accolades.

You are good enough with or without your titles, degrees, and accolades.

‘But Nadja, are you saying that all my years of hard work, my well-earned awards and degree don't count? That I can be lazy and do nothing, and feel good enough, and that's ok? I don't think so!’

I get it, and that's not what I am saying.

Self-actualization is at the heart of our human potential and our ability to feel happy, to feel fulfilled, and to feel that we are contributing to a better and happier human experience.

Self-actualization refers to the process of realizing and fulfilling one's potential and capabilities. It involves personal growth, self-discovery, and achieving one's goals and aspirations, leading to a sense of purpose, fulfillment, and true happiness.

But here is the pitfall.

When you self-actualize from a place of lack, not feeling good enough, you are going to feel miserable in the long run and build up a capital of negative emotions which are not going to make you feel happier, feel fulfilled, or feel good enough.

But when you self-actualize from a place of wholeness, from a place of self-love and love for others, from a place of curiosity and love for learning, that's a whole different life experience. You are building positive emotions capital, capital you need to manage the challenges of life's ebb so you can live more in life's flow.

That's why correlating your identity with your function, job, title, or awards is going to give you a dopamine hit in the short term, but make you feel miserable in the long run.

As it will never be enough IF you feel worthy only when you have those things.

But IF you feel worthy, regardless, then those achievements, titles, and awards are a reflection of your journey of self-actualization.

A journey which is not defined by limits, but by infinite potential as you are no longer holding yourself back. You are no longer putting yourself in a box of what you are supposed to do, who you are supposed to be, and how you are supposed to show up.

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A journey that is not defined by your mask, but driven by your heart. You do more of the things that make you feel alive and light that burning flame within you.

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A journey where you no longer see life in dichotomy that if you have job X, you can't experiment with skillset or hobby Y. You see yourself as limitless and you enjoy the process of discovering what you are capable of, what brings you joy, and what gives you meaning.

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But most importantly of all, in this journey, you are no longer dependent on external validation.

You have learned that true validation is the permission you give yourself to live your life to the fullest, to love to the fullest, and to be you as there is only one person like you.

The main reason we fear being judged or we fear failure is because we can't handle the emotional embarrassment that comes with it.

The reason we can't handle the emotional embarrassment is because we don't feel enough.

We feel as if something is missing in us and that we will be exposed for the failures that we are.

That is your ego talking, not your heart and not your soul.

So what if people laugh? So what if you are judged? And so what if you fail?

As long as you have two legs, you get up, dust yourself off, learn the lessons, and try again.

As long as you feel enough, you love yourself, the people laughing at you are laughing away their own regret for not risking a life above their potential.

As long as you stop judging yourself, people's judgment holds no power over you.

And remember, everyone is on their own journey and no one is beneath or above you. We are just at different timelines in our lives.

Respect that and wish them well.

Stop comparing your journey with other people's journey, as that robs you of your own energy to focus on living a full life, a life where you feel fulfilled and where you are able to embrace and handle the full human experience of our limited time on this planet.

Love, Nadja 💙 💜 💗

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