Peer Pressure and Parenting.

 The world of a teenager is  a world that is occupied by a hundred thousand things at the same time. The world is magical, full of change and fearful at the sametime. 

Children are bridging the gap to adulthood, finding themselves at conflict with everyone and everything.They feel that they are being criticised for everything. Their hormones are raging and their brain is adjusting to the changes. The world seems to be unsure of how to treat them. Are they grown up or are they still babies? They themselves seem to be unsure of how the world needs to treat them. 

Peer pressure is maximum at this stage. The world of the teenager  is the world of friends. As a parent to two and having spent  almost two decades, I have been witness to so many young lives. 

Friends define their world. Movies, parties night outs ...name the activity, they want to do it with their friends. 

As parents a thousand doubts run through our minds

Who are these friends? Are they safe with them? Will the parties have drinks? Will there be drugs? Will there be boys and girls together at the night outs? The world is so dangerous now that safety of children has become the biggest worry for parents. This anxiety leads to strict rules and at times outright nays for any activity. 

The paradox of today is that we want our children to be independent and strong but at the same time they have to be docile and  totally obedient to the parent. As a generation that has experienced more freedom and more options than our parents, we have been there and done it all. We know what can go wrong as we have wronged and have learnt the consequences. Learn from our experience we tell them.  We want you to be ambitious, yet modest. We want you to take risks, yet stay safe. We want you to be popular , yet old fashioned.We want them to trust our experience, yet we don't want to trust theirs. 

The key to  managing the turbulent teens -peer pressure in summer , winter or autumn- is communication. As long as communication is open between you and your child, conflict management can be handled better. Teenagers can actually teach a thing about negotiation if you really are open to it. 

Instead of 'It's my way or the highway' try a discussion. Give them the freedom to choose what activity they want to do. Let them choose their friends but keep a tab on who their friends are. Discuss what happens when their friends meet. But DON'T be judgemental. Nothing can be more damaging to a child than a parent taking a judgemental stand on his or her friends. If you find there is a certain friend is bothering you, be clear to say what in that friend is upsetting. May be that child is struggling with issues of his/her own that his/her parent is unaware of!

Talk to them as much as possible, without becoming  a nag.The only way to do so is to let them speak. Teenagers need someone who can hear them with an open mind and heart. They respond to love and care. They  care for those who care for them and trust them. And they hurt real bad when they see that the first person to distrust them is a parent. They infact expect unconditional trust from you. 

That is something you can offer but you can keep your antenna up .  Trust their choices. Guide them through the journey. Accept that all their endeavours will not succeed. But it's ok. Let them learn that life is not all about success. Let them know that  you may not approve of what their friends are doing but you trust them that they will keep your faith in them intact. The pressure of keeping the faith of someone who trusts you is far more than peer pressure. If you doubt them of wrong -doing when they are not doing it, they will use it as  a valid reason to go ahead and 'prove ' your doubt correct. 

This is also the age when the focus on academics is very high. Board exams, entrance test and the lot rule their lives. In all that when you find them wanting to party or watch a movie, don't blow your top. A movie here or there, a party once in a month will not take them off track. If they play music or enjoy some other hobby, let them continue with it. Such deviations from the beaten track will help them come back to their studies with renewed vigour while hobbies will help them relax and keep their minds fresh. 

And YES! they trust actions and not words. If you say something and do something else, they will do the same to you. So let your actions speak before you demand theirs! 

The terrible teens can actually be the terrific teens if we, as parents decide to create that world for them. It has a lot to do with our parenting!  We need to avoid falling into the trap of peer pressure to ensure that our children don't.  Chopra's son may be the engineer MBA, Iyer's daughter may be the doctor. But remember he/she is your child and unique to you- not to Chopra or Iyer.