Performance Reviews: What Really Happens Behind Closed Doors

In Part 1, I shared my early experiences with performance reviews—how I learned the hard way that these discussions can shape your career trajectory and why preparation is key. But writing a strong self-assessment is only half the battle. The real challenge? The face-to-face meeting.

For many, the performance review conversation can feel like walking into an exam where you don’t know the questions in advance. You sit across from your manager, heart pounding, hoping your hard work has been recognised. But what really happens behind the scenes before that meeting? And how can you steer the discussion to your advantage?

Before you read any further, a reminder that The Career Framework webinar is happening on Thursday 6th Feb at 7pm GMT. If you want to strategically manage your career or help others to do the same, this is for you! Sign up here: https://us02web.zoom.us/meeting/register/jymjPIS3QsatjP7K4v_gNA

The Prep Work You Don’t See

Most employees don’t realise that long before you step into that room, key decisions about your rating and progression have already been made.

In my corporate days, I saw how performance reviews worked from both sides—the employee eager for recognition and the manager juggling multiple evaluations. Here’s what typically happens behind closed doors:

1. Ratings Are Often Decided in Advance

Managers usually meet with leadership weeks before your review to discuss ratings. In many organisations, there’s a process called ‘calibration’—where department heads debate ratings to ensure consistency across teams. This often means:

• Your manager may need to justify why you deserve a high rating, and if they can’t back it up with data, you could be marked down.

• Ratings may be influenced by company-wide distribution rules (e.g., only 10% of employees can receive the top rating, regardless of actual performance).

• A strong advocate can make all the difference in how you’re rated—managers who fight for their team members often see better results.

I’ve sat in these calibration meetings where leaders openly debated ratings. One instance stands out: a leader pushed for a top rating for one of her team members. There was no doubt she delivered results, but the way she treated colleagues wasn’t as strong. She was well-liked by clients and her inner circle, but with others, she was difficult to deal with. At least three of us challenged the recommendation, arguing that leadership is about more than just performance—it’s also about how you interact with those around you. That conversation reinforced for me how subjective the process can be, how important it is to have advocates in the room, and the importance of how you show up at work.

2. Your Manager May Not Remember Everything You Did

Even the best-intentioned managers struggle to recall each team member’s contributions over 12 months, especially if they manage multiple direct reports.

• If you haven’t been vocal about your achievements throughout the year, you’re at risk of being overlooked.

• Managers rely heavily on notes (if they take them) and what stood out in their memory—big wins, major failures, or the most recent projects.

Before I joined the senior leadership team, I experienced firsthand how a rating can be out of your hands. Someone in my team was marked down, not based on their actual performance compared to their goals, but because they were unfavorably compared to others. The feedback came from direct interactions my manager had, yet my manager refused to have the conversation with my team member about it. This left me in a tough spot, trying to relay vague reasoning that I didn’t fully understand myself. It made me realize just how much of the performance review process happens outside the individual’s control—and why it’s critical to document your wins and have strong relationships with decision-makers.

3. Feedback from Others Plays a Big Role

Your rating may be influenced by peer feedback, leadership perceptions, and even informal ‘hallway conversations.’

• If you’ve worked cross-functionally, your contributions might be assessed based on what others say about you.

• Some companies formally gather 360-degree feedback, while others rely on managers to collect insights informally.

• If you sense a disconnect between how you see your performance and how others do, proactively ask for feedback throughout the year to ensure alignment.

There was one year when I dreaded my performance review. I had a boss I really didn’t get along with, and I was convinced he had it in for me. I fully expected a low rating, given our tense working relationship. But when I walked into the meeting, I was completely taken aback—he gave me a high performance rating. It turned out that, instead of basing his review solely on his own perception, he had sought feedback from clients and colleagues, and their responses told a very different story. Their input highlighted my contributions and impact, which overrode whatever personal biases he might have had. This experience taught me a valuable lesson: even if your relationship with your manager isn’t great, strong peer and client feedback can be a game-changer. It reinforced why maintaining good relationships across the business matters—sometimes, the people you least expect will be the ones who advocate for you when it counts.

How to Take Control of the Face-to-Face Discussion

Now that you know what happens behind the scenes, let’s talk about what you can do to steer the performance review meeting in your favour.

1. Have a Strategy

Think of your review like a negotiation—it’s not just a one-way conversation where you sit and listen. Prepare a structured way to present your case:

• Summarise your key achievements upfront.

• Align your contributions with business goals. 

• Anticipate objections.

2. Ask Direct Questions

If you’re not happy with your rating or feedback, don’t just accept it—dig deeper.

• ‘Can you help me understand what prevented me from receiving a higher rating?’ This shifts the focus from disappointment to actionable feedback.

• ‘What would it take for me to be considered for a promotion next year?’ This signals your ambition and encourages your manager to outline a clear path forward.

• ‘How do you see my role evolving in the next 12 months?’ This opens up a conversation about career progression and future opportunities.

3. Manage Emotional Reactions

Performance reviews can be frustrating—especially if you feel unfairly rated or undervalued. But reacting emotionally in the moment can hurt your case.

• Pause before responding. If feedback catches you off guard, take a deep breath and respond with curiosity rather than defensiveness.

• Reframe negative feedback as a learning opportunity. Instead of shutting down, ask follow-up questions: ‘Can you give me an example?’ or ‘How can I improve in this area?’

• If needed, request a follow-up conversation. If you need time to process your review, say, ‘I’d like to reflect on this feedback and come back with some thoughts—can we schedule another conversation?’

Back to the scene I mentioned earlier, I had to deliver the disappointing rating to my team member, and understandably, she was upset. She asked about the implications, and I had to confirm that the rating would directly impact her pay rise—meaning she would miss out on earning more money. It was difficult to relay this information, knowing how hard she had worked, yet having no power to change the outcome.

Her reaction was completely understandable—when your compensation and career progression are tied to a number on a form, it can feel deeply personal. In the moment, she became emotional, which is a natural response to bad news. But as hard as it was to witness, I realised that there were other ways she could have handled the conversation to protect her own position. Instead of reacting immediately, she could have asked for a short break to process the news, allowing her to regain composure before discussing next steps. Alternatively, she could have requested a follow-up conversation once she had time to absorb the feedback, giving her the chance to come back with questions and a plan of action.

This experience reinforced how crucial it is to be prepared for all possible outcomes in a performance review. While emotions can’t always be controlled, stepping back and giving yourself time to respond thoughtfully can make a significant difference in how the situation unfolds. Whether it’s pausing to take a deep breath, asking for a break, or scheduling a follow-up discussion, these small strategies can help ensure that disappointment doesn’t derail future opportunities.

4. Advocate for Yourself with Confidence

Many employees—especially women—struggle with self-promotion. But if you don’t champion your work, who will?

• Speak about your impact in clear, confident terms. Avoid saying, ‘I think I did a good job.’ Instead, say, ‘I successfully led X project, which resulted in Y outcome.’

• Use data and storytelling. Numbers make your case stronger, but anecdotes make it memorable. ‘Our client satisfaction score rose by 15%, and a customer personally told me that our service was the best they’d experienced.’

• Don’t be afraid to challenge unfair ratings. If you believe your score is lower than it should be, present your evidence and respectfully ask your manager to reconsider.

I once saw a male colleague successfully push back on his performance review and get all his ratings changed to 5s. He argued that he should start at the highest rating and only be marked down if there was a compelling reason. What shocked me was that this approach actually worked. Meanwhile, I had accepted my ratings without question, not realising that advocating for myself was even an option. Had I known the long-term impact that ratings had on pay increases and promotions, I would have approached the conversation very differently. This was a pivotal learning moment—sometimes, the system isn’t as rigid as it seems, and advocating for yourself can make all the difference.

5. End with a Clear Next Step

No matter how your review goes, leave the meeting with a sense of direction.

• If you receive positive feedback, ask how you can build on it. ‘I appreciate the recognition—what are the next steps for my growth?’

• If your review is mixed, request a plan for improvement. ‘Can we set up a check-in to track my progress on these specific areas?’

• If your rating is disappointing, document the conversation and explore next steps. You might need to follow up later with HR or start preparing for your next move.

Performance reviews aren’t just about receiving feedback—they’re a chance to advocate for yourself, shape your career trajectory, and set yourself up for success. Understanding what happens behind the scenes helps you approach these discussions strategically.

Remember, the goal isn’t just to survive the meeting—it’s to leave it with clarity, confidence, and a clear plan for what’s next.

Have you ever had a surprising or frustrating performance review? Share your experiences in the comments—I’d love to hear how you navigated them!

About the Author

Aoife O'Brien founded Happier at Work in 2019 to help organisations create thriving workplace cultures that prioritise employee wellbeing, career growth, and meaningful impact. Using her research-backed Happier at Work framework, she partners with Global Talent & HR Leaders to improve engagement and retention. She has worked with global organisations like Meta, MSD, Ciena, AbbVie, Logitech, and HubSpot. She has been featured in major media outlets and has delivered 100+ podcast guest appearances. Her award-winning podcast, Happier at Work®, has a global audience of over 125k listeners. In January 2024, she received the coveted LinkedIn Top Voice badge.

Follow Aoife for more insights on workplace culture, career development, and employee engagement.