putting your past to work

We have all heard about people:

• Losing everything when their uninsured home burns down

• Insuring newly acquired personal valuables after the older, uninsured ones disappeared

• Taking out long-term care insurance later in life, when it’s more costly, after watching a family go through much of their resources while taking care of a sick relative

We cannot take out insurance on our marriage. However, we can take a closer look at ourselves, get a better understanding of why we chose that particular partner and why it did not turn out as we would have wished.

Statistics show that about 50% of first marriages end in divorce but that percentage increases for second marriages. Why is that?

Because people often repeat the same mistakes. They choose a new partner for the same wrong reasons that they may have chosen the previous one.

If you are willing to be honest with yourself and understand why you did what you did, you will have a better chance the second time around.

Here are just a few examples of questions you may want to ask yourself:

• Were there any underlying issues that I rationalized in order to convince myself this was the right person?

• Was I looking for someone else to make me happy because I was not happy with myself?

• Was I dealing with unresolved issues about myself?

• Was I trying to escape my family situation?

• Was I just interested in material things, financial security, a nice home, a fancy lifestyle?

• Did I accept that the other person was lacking many characteristics that were important to me because I thought I could make him/her change?

• Was I untruthful and did I paint the wrong portrait of myself in order to look more desirable?

If you have been in similar situations, please feel free to share some of the ways you convinced yourself to justify your marriage. It just may help other readers who find themselves in the same boat.