The Questions Never Asked

A high performing female director at a consulting firm was recently making the rounds  to state her case for promotion to partner.   She was dismayed by conversations she had with two male partners in her immediate group who told her virtually the same story ---that he and his wife had discussed  how challenging it would be for him make partner and that they had collectively agreed that his wife would give up working to enable him to focus completely on his partner career.    Both partners cautioned this high performing female director about the demands of partnership and asked whether she was truly prepared to do what was required to be successful.  She was dumfounded. Neither partner seemed to have any clue about how she would perceive their comments and what they insinuated.  She was tempted to go to HR, but in the end took the other, more well-trodden path of “what’s the point”?  While she felt there clearly was something here that needed to be called out, what was less clear was whether any action would be taken as a result, or, if in fact it would jeopardise her partnership aspirations. 

This director’s experience is not an exception.  The majority  of my female colleagues have heard male partners tell variations of this same story repeatedly over the past few decades.  This includes men who are Gen X and even some Millennials. Men who are in charge of D&I drives.  Leading the charge to hire more senior women into the firm because we aren’t able to retain our women.  However, their personal lives continue to follow traditional, 20th century, post-war gendered male/female roles. 

Some questions raised by what seems to be a pretty fundamental contradiction between stated commitments to diversity and these traditional choices:

• How does it impact how senior men perceive women who aspire to the same title, roles as them?
• How big a factor is this in driving “unconscious bias” when it comes to women promotion discussions?
• How does this contribute to the  “boy’s club” culture that many of us feel is so impenetrable?
• Is it one of the root causes of the high female drop-out rate on the path to partner? As so many women feel that the gap between the choices they make vs. male colleagues is so great that it is like we live on different planets?
• How do firms reconcile the disconnect between a push for more senior women vs. a partner track that seems to be so onerous that it requires 50% of couple—with women in the vast majority-- to give up working?

In a career spanning 30+ years, I would estimate fewer than 10% of my male colleagues have had partners who have worked. In all the hours I’ve spent over these 30+ years in task forces, round tables, training programmes, taking surveys related to women in the work place,  I have never seen this topic tabled for discussion. Why?

Not seen as an issue? Too controversial? It makes people uncomfortable? Likely all of the above.   However, this isn’t about challenging men's personal choices.  Everyone is entitled to live their life as they see fit.  But it IS about how personal choices can be brought into the workplace in a way that influences perceptions and creates biases that disadvantage women who have opted to take what might be perceived as a “non-traditional” path.   Over the past few decades, the dial has moved very little beyond the average 20-30% of women partners in consulting firms.  If we are really serious about diversity and making a break-through, isn’t it time we finally get these questions on the table?

I am very keen to hear your views and experiences on this topic.  Please message me or email me  @ jpenneyfrohling@gmail.com