The Referral Trap (and Why We’re All Kinda Stuck)

Hey Untraditional Builder,

Let’s talk.

We all hear it: “Referrals are the best way to grow your business.” And yes, referrals do bring good clients. But lately, I’ve been wondering if this advice is quietly keeping us stuck. Myself included.

What no one tells you about referrals

Here’s the pattern I’ve seen in my own work:

You do good work for one person. They refer you to someone in their circle. Then that person sends someone else your way.

Three projects in, and you’re still solving the same problems at the same price point, for the same type of client.

It’s not bad. In fact, it’s how many of us stay afloat. But let’s be honest, it's not growth either.

What I’m learning (and unlearning)

I used to say, “I prefer referrals,” and I meant it. But if I’m being real, part of that came from not wanting to show up too much. Not wanting to “sell.” Not wanting to feel exposed.

It’s easier to let someone else talk about your work. It’s safer to wait for the next intro, the next DM, the next “Hey, I know someone who needs you.”

But when your growth depends entirely on other people’s timing? You can’t predict your revenue. You can’t plan your pipeline. You’re constantly adjusting instead of leading.

And worst of all? You never quite learn how to stand in your own value and say: "This is what I do. This is how I help. This is who I want to work with."

I’m working through this too. I get decent referrals. I’m grateful. But I also see people in my space growing faster - not necessarily because they’re better, but because they’re bolder. More consistent. More intentional about their visibility.

They’re not just doing good work. They’re showing up and talking about it.

Meanwhile, I catch myself wondering: “Will people think I’m pushing too hard?” “Is it too much to say this out loud?”

Maybe you’ve asked yourself those same questions.

Here’s what I’m sitting with this week

• Why do I feel more confident when someone else talks about my work than when I do it myself?
• How many people are silently struggling with problems I already know how to solve, because I’m not being visible enough to reach them?
• What if showing up isn’t “marketing”… but service?

These questions are uncomfortable. But they’re necessary.

What I’m experimenting with

Lately, I’ve been testing softer, more intentional ways to show up. Not “look at me” content but real, useful content.

]Things I’ve learned. Things I’ve seen work. Ideas that might save someone else time or stress.

Some posts land. Some don’t. But I’m building my voice. And slowly, my audience.

You too?

If you’ve been feeling stuck in the referral loop, maybe this sounds familiar:

• You’re getting by, but you want to grow faster
• You hesitate to talk about your work because it feels “too much”
• You know you’re good at what you do but marketing still feels awkward
• You’ve seen others build visibility and wonder, “How did they get so confident?”

If any of that is you, you're not alone. And you're not behind.

What I’m working on next

I’m putting together a few thoughts and examples of lead generation that doesn’t feel icky. Real strategies. Calm energy. Clear voice. Stuff that helps you grow without having to become someone you’re not.

If you want a peek as I piece it together, reply and let me know. I might turn this into a deeper piece or maybe a few interviews with founders who’ve figured it out.

Try this small shift

This week, share one thing you know that could help someone. Not a quote. Not a retweet. Not another repackaged idea. Something from your own experience.

Someone out there is looking for it.

Until then, stay untraditional. Build anyway.

– Alice Arimoro 🖤

P.S. I made a positioning clarity checklist, simple but powerful. It’s the same one I use with clients. Want it? Just reply with CLARITY and I’ll send it your way.

Know someone who’s stuck in the referral loop? Share this to them. They’ll thank you.